Letting people live their lives and GALing...

[AntoniaB]

Ok, so I'm back for an epic rant, I guess...

I have spent nearly 3 years "alone." If you count up the time I was single when XH left me time number one, and add it to time number two which extends to now, it's nearly 3 years.

I am smart,kind, funny, entirely financially self-sufficient, take care of a 1 plus acre property on my own, take care of 8 cats on my own (used to be 10, mind you), handle EVERYTHING that comes my way on my own, and on top of that, I still keep my nails and pedicure done; I keep my hair nice; I wear makeup and look nice; and I'm charming and witty to boot. AND I AM NOT CODEPENDENT.

So.

I am single. I don't even find men to DATE.

WTF??? Do you know what everyone, I mean EVERYONE, tells me?? That I am TOO ACCOMPLISHED. TOO SMART. TOO EVERYTHING. That I "scare" men. That I have to "dumb myself down" or have no hope of a dinner out.

(frankly I can buy my own dinner out, but I digress)

Really???

So it has come to this? A woman can be nearly emotionally destroyed by the man she wanted to love the rest of her life. She can nearly commit suicide. More than once. She can spend months in a horrific PTSD limbo where she must talk herself out of doing herself in over him, only to find that when she rises above it all, NO ONE, I mean NO ONE, finds her a worthy mate?? Everyone is paired up already, and those who aren't paired up are just too scared of commitment to "settle" with someone like her?

Seriously, people, there is something really wrong with this picture. I am as "over" XH as I am gonna be. YES he will always be with me on some level, but he's really not in my peripheral vision anymore. I am ready for someone else. For another life. And there are ZERO prospects.

I will be the first to tell you. It doesn't matter how many books I write, how many presentations I give, how many times I get accolades for my "brains." It cuts me to the quick to be totally honest, that I am "alone." I look around me and despite all my numerous "single" accomplishements, which number a ton, I still feel like I have failed, because I can't get one man to want me completely.

It's sad, really. I try so hard to not care, but I do.

And that is my epic honest rant for all of you. I want so much to say that having another person to share things with doesn't matter but I can't bring myself to say it. To me, it does matter. I wish it didn't.

[AntoniaB]

And while my post above says "in a rel. with someone new" it's not the relationship I want, ultimately. It's something, but it's not what I really want, and so I don't know how long it will last.

What I am more concerned with is the fact that I look around me and it seems like 90% of people are paired up and I'm this free agent. And I don't like being a free agent. I look at people in relationships who take it all for granted and I want to shake them and say "do you know how much easier it would be on you when you have to decide to end a pet's life and you have ONE OTHER PERSON TO BE WITH THERE WITH YOU???"

It is all on me. All of it. The decisions, the pressure. The aftermath. All on me. I just feel like I will never ever get used to this. There is so much pressure, being alone.

I'm sorry for the rambling. I'm just sad and troubled.

[~ kd ~]

Hey A...

I can offer this Mars perspective...

I like a chick who has a head on her shoulders... perhaps what I've found is that many of them ladies... well... they can be a little closed... or socially awkward...

A friend of mine is going on dates now after her D, but I think she's putting the horse ahead of the cart... she finds a guy she thinks she wants to be romantic with and focuses solely on him... I suspect she's moving too fast and actually scaring the gusy away...

so I'd recommend... get some guy friends... like really, just going out with the guys if you can...

think of it this way... guys hang with guys... which means... hanging with a few guys means... you'll meet more guys... and maybe a hunky single, smart, independent one who is open to something a little more with a smart chick...

Also, beware of yourself... if you trigger in any way, even small... either towards anger or sadness... it is likely to show up even in the slightest way and guys will pick up on that and might shy away...

Just some thoughts.

[beatrice]

KD I know this lady, and she is not socially awkward!!

I am also beautiful and accomplished, Fortunately I like being alone, which frankly is just as well. I have many female friends and some guy friends [other women can be very strange about their husbands having female friends, if you haven't noticed !!]

Like Antonia, and many other attractive intelligent and together (now single) women I have spoken to, it is as if there has been a war on. There is a serious shortage of mature reasonably attractive men who are single and heterosexual. We are not all looking for George Clooney, although . . . . .

And while I take some respoinsibility for frightening them off(!!!) I see the evdience and hear the stories too often to discount them.

We women apparently set our expectations too high, are too demanding, should widen our sights and so on. But if you look at dating websites the unreal demands seem to come from guys. 55 years old wanting to date women of 40 is not uncommon

Age isn't a barrier either way, but if a 50 year old woman said 'looking for guy of 35' she would be told it isn't going to happen!

There is an imbalance here. I accept it, but I do not think it is deniable.

[WenikiTiki]

Dear AntoniaB:

I absolutly understand you. I haven't re-entered the dating world, but can see where is is going to be a problem. (And I am older than you....)

I would tell you to come over here to Hawaii and hang out with me. You can come to the gym with me and have your pick of hunky marines. There are some pretty smart, nice guys who I work out with. Several about 10 years too young for me, but looking at retiring soon..... You can retire at 20 years from the military.

Anyway, like I told my sister when she got divorced: "Fish in the right pond." She found a wonderful guy, Reservist, Academy Grad, etc. They were happily married for almost 17 years when he recently passed away.

I do see the world as paired off and am worring about that. And in reality I've been single living as a double for 18 months now. And it is getting old.

I will tell you that as a "larger-than-life" person you just need to find a fellow big personality person. I know that person is out there. I know you will find that person. Heck, you might find that person at your next high school reunion....

Aloha!

Wendy

[AntoniaB]

Kaffe, I do get what you're saying, I do.

But what bugs me is this idea that you relate at the end...the "if you trigger in any way, even small...it is likely to show up...."

This goes back to putting a relationship's success or failure ON THE WOMAN. It basically says that women have this course to go through during which they cannot do this or that but must do this thing and that thing, and IF THEY HIT EVERY MARK, they will get the guy.

I call BS.

I want to know what guy has to be THAT freaking perfect.

I think that the pressure on women is incredible. Just over the top. And you know, I don't even have kids. I think of all those who do, it must be so much harder for them.

This is where I don't get it. I see people ALL around me paired up who seem to have arrived at this point so easily. Who are fighting and being not even near perfect couples, but long-term couples nonetheless. And I think jesus, I can't even get a date??What did they do that I didn't???

I'm at a loss. Some of them, I know, dated people who were married or in committed rel. which I won't do. But still.

[AntoniaB]

YES, Beatrice....I am being hit on by men significantly older than I am who seem to think I need to be financially taken care of.

I take care of myself financially. I find the very idea of "you taking care of me" a turn-off.

I am not submissive and I make enough income. YEAH I struggle sometimes, but it is worth it.

I will never again be in a position where one man can threaten my house of cards.

[~ kd ~]

I have to say that there are at least four single, divorced women that have "caught my eye"... and I'd like to believe that I caught theirs, as well...

Truth is... I'm not worried about them... I'm worried about me...

I think what I'm really saying is, so far the available guys that you lovely ladies might be coming across are either idiots... or gun shy, themselves... for what ever reason...

I found back when I was single (and I'm no chick magnet, but have a great sense of humour to compensate... lol) is that I found more "opportunity" when I hung out lots with my girl friends... because while I wasn't interested in them and them not with me, I became "attractive" by association...

I can't explain it and I know it sounds cliche... but I always found it was easier to end up with someone, when I didn't even realize I was looking...

[AntoniaB]

I get that KD, I really do. The guy I am seeing now, I met by chance, as a friend of a friend. But the same thing happens, he's in this weird "not sure if I want a girlfriend but if I do want one, it's going to be you" land.

I wasn't looking for him, he just happened, but he didn't happen "entirely."

So I am left with ok, date others??? Wait till he gets his head together? Date no one?

But this whole idea of "I wasn't looking when it happened." That TOO smacks of some sort of game to me. Like if we can just get ourselves to that point, it "happens."

When I look at other people, I just don't see all these things going on in their periphery. It seems like the majority of people are hooked up long-term. And none of these machinations ever crossed their minds, let alone "the work" that so many of us do over the months or years, the work that makes us "better" by far to negotiate the inns and outs of a committed relationship. Nope. I talk to women and they are shrill and demanding and codependent as s*it. Not me, though. I never go codependent on a text or email or in person. Because I have a filter that says "stop."

And in the end, I AM THE ONE ALONE.

Yes, I act in accordance with who my true self is. I act like a person who really cares for the other person. My friends are calling me "the zen master of dating/texting." But I am alone. No one gets how chill I am, lol.

It's a lonely spot to be all DBing people ;-)

[~ kd ~]

Yeah, A. Honestly, I don't know if I'm a good person to give dating advice, since my last "date" didn't end up to well and I found myself on these boards... lol...

I get that it seems like a game and I guess in a way, it all IS a game... they call life... so many people posturing, or passively manipulating, or who knows... how does a person really weed through all that?

I've tried to do my best through life to not be part of that, but I guess it's just human nature.

I think if we put a DB spin on this, then do what works and stop doing what isn't.

What kind of guy are you looking for. DO check your bars aren't set higher than you are prepared to "do without". Before I met my stbX my bar was set to "must not have kids from prior". I am happy that I let that bar down, as I now have two beautiful and awesome kids in my life.

I have very clear bars and they include no alcohol or drug abuse (or risk of said).

The ladies I posted about above, two I met in two separate insurance companies (working the counters), two I met at a "spiritual" retreat.

My stbx? I met her at work, but became "involved" with her after having gone out socially with friends for a few drinks and I'd submit alcohol played a part of "opening up to" the idea of getting into a R with her. She wasn't someone I was initially interested in.

I go to coffee shops, I go to book stores... I try to strike up random conversations with people at stores, restaurants, etc...

One day... that might lead to something... but further investigation will be necessary... and I know I'll have to check myself to stay within my personal mores, yet still be open to forming friendships with people as I do some "weeding"...

But I do spend a lot of time with myself, enjoying myself... driving, hiking, whatever... so I'm not really "out there" to begin with. I want some friends... just friends... new friends and old... to break the monotony... and who knows...?

IDK... *shrug*