am i on the right track???

[zig]

ces67

thank you for all you wrote - and thanks for taking the time to read my abysmally long posts.

you're right about setting the boundaries, and i was thinking about that myself last night. in addition to the emotional upset, carrying this lie has been the most difficult part of this situation.

i recognized that months ago and had told him that i didn't want to carry the lie and so i didn't want to know when he met her and he was to arrange it so i didn't need to know.

well that doesn't really work because he has to go out of town to see her, and that means that S has to stay with me.

for each trip, he's told the family and S that he is in other places and mil and i have sort of carried the truth meanwhile and it hasn't been too difficult (except that he is SO STRESSED talking and skyping with S while he is with OW, that he has acted really really weird and so S has always been quite upset after the calls

the lie this weekend - i didn't say what it was - but it basically involved H telling S that he was in a completely different place then he actually was. then later, he must have forgotten what he said, and the story changed and we had to scramble to figure out explanations and keep holding the story

in terms of covering for him - i tried to set that boundary, but didn't really use the right strategy. unfortunately until now, if i point things like that out to him, he really loses it. so i will have to find a way to do this. any implication from me that he is not taking care of his son is met with great anger and so i need to think about how to approach him about this. (one of his big complaints was that i didn't allow him to participate in parenting S and he wants to prove that he can do it - he is very sensitive about any issue to do with S)

so if you have any thoughts on different approaches, i'd love to hear your opinion -

thanks so much
zig

[adinva]

S10s going to feel betrayed by everyone he loves if he catches you in a lie about this. Will he buy "I'm not exactly sure S10 but you can ask him about it next time you talk"?

Letting my H deal with such questions takes the burden of protecting their relationship off of me, where it is not my business, and puts it on him, whose business it is.

[labug]

Expect boundaries to upset the person being given the limitations. No one every says "Thanks so much for that!"

[ces67]

Bug's right. Putting the boundary in place will upset your H. I've been trying for far to long to figure out ways to do it without upsetting my W.

The reality is they will be upset. The other reality is, that is their choice and we don't have to take on their anger. Its theirs to deal with and we don't have to.

I've got 2 major items I have to confront W about and I'm dreading both because she will get upset. I'm working on ways to make it as minimal an issue as possible but the main thing I am doing is preparing myself mentally that any angry response is my W's to deal with and I don't have to get sucked into it.

If your H is lying to his son to cover his behavior, that is a poor way to show care. None of us are perfect. I'm sure he's doing good things too, but that doesn't mean he or anyone else gets to continue behaviors that are not helpful. He has to choose to accept, learn and grow and you can't make him do it. But you don't have to support the behavior.

This will be tough on you because your H will get upset. But you can handle it.

[zig]

thanks labug - i look forward to your replies - you always get me feeling a bit grounded again:)

you're right - there is truth to it. i was unhappy, because after moving here, i started to see little things that didn't quite fit . it made me nervous and anxious about what i had got myself into. i did come to terms with them, and was much happier later, but there was alot of frustration, because he just remained closed emotionally, always insisting he was fine when i could clearly see that he was not. that made me really unhappy, because i couldn't do anything about it because he wouldn't tell me what was not good for him - now of course (weak grin!) i get to hear about 10 yrs worth of it, all at once!!

boundaries with the family - yes - i'm realizing in this last week, that one of the 37 rules i am completely NOT following is the one of not discussing the sitch with family. i believe i have made a really gross judgement in error, doing that with mil - talking till we are blue in the face and analyzing all this. it's become a habit in a way, and especially when there are developments like this, i think we try to reassure each other that he will change his mind and come to his senses.

but lately it is getting a bit stranger where in the same conversation she will reassure me that she really thinks he is going to "see the light" and then 10 mins later is saying that maybe i am better off without him. those conversations are leaving me feeling very confused and unsettled and i am slowly realizing that they are not good for us at all

the ow - i know her sister and mother. her sis is an old friend of H's from his most favorite days during college, and the three of us have been to visit them 2 or 3 times in the last few years. none of us had met ow until he went down there in aug to visit them. one of H's dilemmas here is that if he hurts ow it's possible he may lose his friendship with her sis. he did tell me that sis and mom were quite upset when they realized what was going on and his words were, because they love you so much.

but he said that months ago, and i don't know what he's telling them now, probably something like zig is really really okay with this and everything is great.

on his second trip down there (when this first started) i had insisted that he take them gifts that i had made for them (i had no idea what was going on then) and it was a few months before i got a thank you card from their mom. but neither of them have tried to call or talk to me. if OW is anything like mom and sis, then i know the attraction - it is sweet!! in the next post i'll tell you what happened when he went ot visit after x'mas for 12 daysand you can maybe help me to see what all that meant, or if it just didn't mean anything at all

All you can do it become the best Zig you can.

you are right labug - that is really all i can and should do

[zig]

thanks for your suggestion adinva and your insight

that has been what i have been doing with S - telling him that he needs to ask his dad, or then saying i don't know and i'll find out.

i guess this time, i got thrown a bit off kilter, not expecting H to toss a weird lie like that into the mix that was in a way so unnecessary and pointless

i didn't involve myself in explanations -in fact i was very careful not to say anything because after H left on thursday, i realized that i didn't know what he had said to S and i thought that i'd just wait to see if S brought it up

then i just happened to hear S's side of the phone conversation, and then asked him what his dad had said. after that i just informed grandparents, so that they would not inadvertently slip up and say the wrong thing - the only one it would hurt was S and maybe i am overprotecting him?

i just don't know where to draw the line between just letting things happen and S putting 2 and 2 together and being really overwhelmed, or taking steps to make sure that even if H slips up, S doesn't find out about the affair.

H has said that it's not something S needs to know, and i feel that at this point S would just be devastated, let alone not even begin to understand what it all means

[zig]

i know, and in spite of knowing his reactions, i have consistently put many boundaries in place, and recently especially when he has reacted with anger when i have tried to say something.

several times when he's started to jump down my throat and instead of dealing with the issue at hand has just started going on about all the wrong i did to him for 10 yrs, i have very calmly and pleasantly said to him that i believe he needs to leave right now (when he's been at the house). it has after some more reaction on his part, made him calm down and allow us to work it through

i have to say while writing the above, i suddenly remember the early years of arguments, and realize that that was a theme in our inability to problem solve - every time we'd try to talk about something, instead of talking about that, he would always veer the conversation into what was wrong with our whole marriage (me and what i did) and totally take us away from the issue at hand.

then i would get horribly frustrated and land up getting angry and walk away

so in remembering that, i realize now that that's another 180 i've shown him - set a boundary and even pointed out to him that he's veering away from what we are supposed to be talking about, and instead of getting mad staying really calm - and then giving him the space and chance to calm down himself and deal with what needs to be dealt with

slowly inch by inch, eh?

[zig]

thanks for having the confidence that i can handle it ces67:)

i know that dread feeling when you know you just have to approach them with something that will make them fly off the handle. in those moments i feel so intimidated by the situation.

my memory of the first two months of this sitch is this non-stop daily WALL of anger that was in my face. everything gave him a reason to get really mad and i remember telling mil, that if there wasn't an immediate reason, then it felt as if he was looking for one - anything everything.

then as he saw me not reacting back with anger - consistently - he very slowly started to calm down little by little.


"If your H is lying to his son to cover his behavior, that is a poor way to show care"

the irony of it all - everyone but H realizes and sees that. the sad thing is that i have to live unauthentically, lying with my whole being to my son. i believe that that sort of negative energy gets passed to the people around us anyway, no matter how hard you try - and i really have problems with living this lie

on the one hand the relief of it being out in the open seems like it would be so good, but on the other hand will it make the situation much more difficult for S to handle?

and besides, isn't it his decision whether or not S should know?

on top of all this what i find even more curious is H's sisters criticism of his lying to S - that she can question his lying but doesn't realize that she is lying to protect him too.

MWD says in her book that it is better not to expose the affair - am i right? because it doesn't serve any good purpose, i have no intention of doing that on any level - there are certain people i have told - very close friends, whom i chose carefully knowing that they would support me but wouldn't hold anything against H later if things did work out.

but when it comes to S and the family - i have to find the right balance between protecting S emotionally (i don't think H is capable of that right now) and keeping myself sane in all this

good luck with talking to your W about those issues - i hope that you will stay strong and centered in the heated moments and not get pulled into the anger

[zig]

struggling again -

anyone got some good links to threads which talk about detachment and what has helped them?

also wanted to ask - how does one figure out if this is MLC or WAS and does it matter which one - do you do different things?

i need a knock upside the head. every time i get to a slightly better place in myself, he'll do something that will set me off and then i realize all over again how NOT detached i really am

[labug]

Google detachment and livestrong.

More here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Keep searching, you'll find the strength you need. Some days it's minute by minute.