Rick - H likes to share info about his bowel movements a lot. So today when he told me again, I told him that he's just full of s**t. (and I meant it...lol)
ces - yes, I do think it's a mix of emotions that he's going through. Honestly, I don't know how to respond. I am trying to be polite, but after I told him that I'm not ok with what he's doing and can't move forward until he breaks off contact w/ OW, which he still won't do...what do I do? I can't pretend I'm ok with it, and he knows I'm not.
Purg - it was a little funny how H followed me around like a puppy and was literally inspecting my hair.
mr mr - I was basically telling him that I can't go on like this. If he's going to get stuck in the past and won't make any effort towards forgiveness, then he needs to move on. Maybe letting him know that I'm close to throw in the towel is making him nervous, because he doesn't completely want to let go of me yet, but he also doesn't want to let go of OW either. What a confused creature he is.
Another funny thing he said tonight: He asked whether we should just go and teach in Korea. That was one of our dreams that we wanted to do when we just got out of college, but came back to the US after our semester abroad in China. My visa situation didn't allow me to be out of the country for that long without losing my status. Now that I'm a citizen, it opens up new opportunities. I just thought it was funny that he brought it up tonight.
Here's what happens -- WAS needs your pursuit. It's comforting for them to know you want them so they can come back at any time. They are motivated to keep that safety net available. When they sense you pulling away or don't know what you are doing or thinking, they get nervous and will start being nice to draw you back in.
As soon as you let your guard down they will again start to distance themselves from you, either with negligence or nasty or uncaring remarks. You must let them know you want them, but you can't come too close.
This is not sinister mustache twisting behavior, they don't know why they're doing it. Usually they are conflicted and as long as they can keep you on the line they don't have to face themselves or make any changes. The longer they can put off disappointing either you or OW the better.
Your exploding on him probably triggered this, your distance got too great and he started to worry that he was going to lose control. As soon as he is convinced you're back you can expect him to start distancing again.
If instead you keep distancing, you disrupt the push and pull dance you're locked in. You need to make him wonder what you're thinking and what you're going to do. Go out and don't tell him where and see what happens. You'll get him to pursue. Be nice to him and you'll get him to distance.
Your way out is to apply distance yourself and do not relent until OW is gone.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
newhamstermom - i was in the book store and saw this book called.. "emotional infidelity" which i am thinking of reading.
quote about book "Take a quick check: Do you send that funny e-mail to your friends at work-but not to your spouse? Do you chew over all the problems on the job so thoroughly with your colleagues that by the time you get home, you just don't feel like going into it all over again? Do you get a secret thrill out of flirting with coworkers-thinking it's safe because you know it's not going any further? If so, you're committing emotional infidelity-and you're draining your marriage of the energy it needs to be great. Learning how to break this cycle is one of eleven secrets M. Gary Neuman shares in his provocative new book."
and then i come here and read accuray's post and check out the link..
it's totally my H! and he just refuses to see it. when he had his PA years ago, it was with a chick from work. totally felt remorse.. thought we had worked through it.. now.. i think he is having an EA and may not even know it.
makes me just want to slap him upside the head and say.. read this!! of course i won't. doesn't mean i don't want to!
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
I'm guilty of this too, I needed to read his post this morning.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
It's distancing with a smile that carries the day. They need to question the assumption that they can just have you back.
It's a fine line, you think it would be best to repair the marriage, but you are done sitting around thinking about it -- you're moving on and feeling good about it.
So hard!
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
H is definitely being much nicer today. I need to make sure I don't fall for it. Acknowledge his efforts, but don't get sucked in.
I do agree that he wants to make sure that I still want him, and after our conversations during the last couple of days I let him to believe that I wasn't so sure anymore.
We both took S4 to soccer today, and then dropped him off at MIL's for a few hours. We had a chance to go have lunch just the two of us. I thought that might be nice, but as we almost got to the place he got a work related phone call and he was pretty much busy problem solving about the issue that continued well after lunch.
So my GAL activity was to go to Target for a while, and then pick up S4 from MIL's. MIL mentioned that she wanted to invite H for lunch tomorrow, but when I got home I saw an email from her telling me that she's changed her mind and is too angry w/ H about hurting me. She's been very supportive this whole time, and even though at first H was very angry that I told her about our sitch (that was before I knew about rule #6 on the 37 rules list). She is an LBS herself.....many, many years ago.
H told me about a brunch that some soccer people were having, and that he'll take S4. I guess I'm not invited. I could use the time and go to the gym...no excuses!
