Glad to hear that you're making positive progress, Val. It sux letting go of someone who meant so much to you, but it sounds to me like you realize that you put too much of yourself into your W and your R. I did that myself, and I now find that in the wake of my W's absence, my identity is growing to replace those missing parts of me. I believe that I'm now more of an individual than I ever was when I was with W, and you may find yourself becoming the same.
Also glad to hear that your V-day went well. Friends are so very awesome.
I would suggest reading "Wherever You Go, There You Are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. You sound like you think a great deal. While that can help us figure stuff out, it can also further entrench us in pain and anger, too. I am currently reading it and am learning so much about how thoughts can often mindlessly dictate our experience.
It's been a while since I've been on here and I'm glad I was able to catch up on how your doing.
Your last few posts, wow. Do you have any idea how amazing you sound? You have grown so much in these past months it's amazing. I know this is hard, but you are handling yourself very well.
The fact that you are in so much pain yourself but give such thoughtful advice and support to others speaks volumes about you and your character.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
So, did you talk to her or did she call again and leave no message? If she doesn't leave a message I would ignore it as if it never happened.
You know there once was a time before cell phones and answering machines when if you weren't home and someone called, you never knew it until they called back when you were home. So ignore it.
If on the other hand, she left a message, you should probably return the call and get it over with, then you can go back to ultra darkness.
Just my opinion of course.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Awhile back in another thread on this board my conception of self focus was challenged. Not overtly, rather the posters response caused some introspection.
The thought was if I am dark for me, GAL for me, changing for me then isn’t all the focus on self counterproductive to focusing on the relationship. My truth in my sitch is the relationship no longer exists. It died months before the bomb, and the antagonistic run up to the bomb served only my partners justifications for her decision.
Her delays in moving forward were IMO representative of her fear of change. The anger and venom she spewed represented that fear serving to further justify her decision in her mind. Her delays were also a gift of time to me. Not to rescue the relationship, rather to rescue self. Of course I held out hope that each delay represented an opportunity to say or do just the right thing. These were false hopes and wasted energy so bent to her course was she.
What I am attempting to say is if you are 70 to 80 percent sure you have done what you could and remained true to yourself and your directions then go forward without regret. Focus on you and what brings you bliss. Keep on keeping on, to borrow a phrase.
She will act as she has; she will spew what she spews for it is all part of her path that she must walk as she does. She cannot be controlled she cannot be rescued. This is her part, her role in this drama until she decides to change.
None of us will perceive a brighter future if we are focusing upon the past. Face forward, lean in, move, your future is ahead of you.
((((Val))))
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I ended up calling my w on Tuesday, we finally touched based on Wednesday.
@2 - She did leave a message both times. So I decided to call her back and get it over with. I knew what was coming. I braced for it.
I've sat on it for a few days so I'm sure the conversation is jumbled.
She asked me why the check was for a lesser amount than what she stated. I said it was because I was only going to pay the Cobra amount and that I wasn't going to pay the "family fee" the insurance added. She said we should split it, I said no.
She asked me about December. I said I was NOT going to pay for it. Basically reinstated that she did this illegally and although she said she didn't know, I didn't feel that I should pay for her mistake.
She asked about a bunch of different things. I did my best to keep my answers short. I did not back down.
I started alot of my sentences with "I understand that you are frustrated"
Finally she got p!ssed off enough to tell me that I was "making blanket decisions without talking to her and that what it wasn't just about me".
Oh man.. what nerve... I can't believe she said that. But I said. "Ok". I still held my ground.
I reiterated that I would sign the papers when I was ready. I reiterated about the car.
I finally said "W, I've told you these things before. Nothing has changed since our last conversation".
Her response "You act like we talk all the time, I maybe talk to you once a month".
It got to a point where she told me that I couldn't hold on forever. At one point she said something and I said.
"I know this is hard for you, but please don't talk to me that way".
Her response "I'm speaking to you the way you are to me.. you could change your tone too".
We went back and forth.. more of the same. Then she got so mad, she hung up on me.
In that moment, I should have let it go. In that moment, I should have moved forward.....
....but I didn't. I backslid. I called her back.
I apologized that she read my tone as harsh. I said that I was trying to communicate my thoughts but didn't really know how to do that other than how I was.
(urgh and bring out the 2x4s) I explained that she was frustrated and I knew that she had to pay money and wanted to move on.. but that I was moving as fast as I could... but it was a process.....
..and that even after all this and if we never spoke again, I was able to know in my heart that I did this process as loving as possible.
she thanked me for calling back. She said she didn't know how to communicate with me either. That she was trying to be patient and that the only reason she wants me to sign the papers now is because she has to pay the insurance.
My response was " I know you have been patience and I appreciate the space. I understand you have to pay $80 a month, and I'm sorry for that.. but it doesn't change my mind. I'll sign the papers when I'm ready. I need to think about me now and this is what is best for me".
She said she'll wait.. because her only other option is to take me to court and she didn't want to do that.
That was it.
** SMACK ***
I'll give myself a 2x4. Spill my guts much? Especially on deaf ears.
I said " You'll do what you have to do. We both will.
I did in my backsliding commit to taking care of everything when we did our taxes.
I explained to do it at once, get it over with, and move on. She was really silent before saying "ok" and ""well that's a date you can't back out of".
I don't know if that was smart, but I feel that's what needs to be done. She wants the D, and intellectually, I know it's what I need to.
Where my head will go, my heart will follow. This is no exception.
I have a bunch to say in my 48 hrs of processing.. but that's a 2nd post.
Thanks for listening.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Wow, I understand how hard that conversation must have been for you. You handled the call very very well and you should be proud of yourself. I know I am always looking for perfection in my conversations with H and give myself 2x4 in my own head over & over if I mess up slightly but really you just do the best you can. You are an emotional human, doing your best.
Great job
Big Hugs, Hang in there.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Val, we are here and we are listening. (((())))!! Sometimes we do not know what to say. Sometimes we are off dealing with our own drama.
You’ve done what you thought best with the information you had at the time. You’ve comported yourself as best as you could. Yes it hurts, but that is not a good reason to recriminate. There are lots of people in this world that would not have called and faced what you did. There are lots of people in this world that would have run from themselves and blamed “the crazy b!tch” for the demise of the marriage and all their short comings. You have not. Acknowledge what you have accomplished.
Change the perspective. What have you done right? List them, write them down, make the list real. Then list what you could have done better. Not wrong! Never wrong! What could I have done better? How will I make myself better?
You have examined yourself and your life. You have changed what you could immediately and continue to work on the rest. You have gained confidence. You have found joy in yourself. You have spread joy to others. You have been a friend. You reconnected with family. You’ve showed love.
What was said was said, and you needed to get it out, to get it vented. In the overall picture will it really change anything? You feel as though you backslid, so don’t do it again. Stop injuring yourself. You are better than that. You deserve better than that.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I GALed the Sh!t out of my weekend. Friday night was a bday party for a friend. We ended up at a bar that was playing 50-90s music. I really enjoy dancing. I'm getting more comfortable with being swung around. I think swing lessons are in my near future.
Saturday was jammed pack with a soccer game and basketball practice. There is a small part of me that is shy.. but it is diminishing. Overall I'm enjoying not only the physical activity but meeting new people.
Later I helped a g/f set up for an Oscar Party. I did some of the cooking which is a 180 for me.
Saturday Night was spent a wrap part for a feature I ADed. It was a lesbian film so there was a ton of people from my community. I wore a fantastic dress and was nominated best dress
It was quite the moral booster. Alot of "great working with you". ALOT of kisses on the cheek.
Sunday was an Oscar Party. I was dressed in a very vintage dress. I had 2 date options.. which was very flattering.
I had a close g/f who worked on "The Artist" so when it won best picture.. we gave her.. her own oscar with her name on it.....
... she almost cried.
We took lots of pictures. I smell a new FB profile pic in my near future.
Overall.. a great weekend.
Whilst at my wrap party... I received an apology text from w. She apologized for how she left the phone call, that we were both doing our best and that she understood that I needed time and that I wasn't trying to delay the process. She apologized if it came across that way.
I was very shocked to receive it. I debated about responding. What I should say or if I should say anything.
I decided to not say anything. Because although I appreciate the sentiment... I don't trust it.
If she is working on changing, then this is a step in the right direction... however she has much work ahead of her and my heart is too fragile to be any part of her journey.
So I can receive the apology.. but that's it.
Maybe that is not applauding the 1%... but I feel safer, calmer, and more positive being dark.
I respect those LBSers who can detach early and have learned to keep their heart safe whilst communicating with their spouses......
....but I have spent too much of my marriage wanting my w to be different. I have hoped to the point of creating a woman that doesn't exist.
I need to remain in reality. I need to remain true to the new me.
The old Val would have given into W about the health insurance. The old Val would have crumbled at the guilt and venom.
The Old Val would have put herself aside yet again for a woman who would not do the same for me.
The Old Val would have jumped on that apology and told her how much it meant to me... even if I didn't believe it.
But I am not her. I am proud of how I acted. Her words hurt but I know I did the right thing. I am sad that she couldn't do the same, but that will pass.
I will continue to learn the lesson that my goodness and kindness isn't for her. As long as she continues to take advantage or abuse my good heart... I cannot share it with her.
It sukks that she cannot experience me.. but that is her choice. One that she continues to make every day.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
