thanks grmpymnky - i am working on that GAL. in the hours since i vented - decided not to say anything, not to push anything , just to stay still, and LET IT GO!
there's no point in reacting to everything he does, because the only one it keeps hurting is me.
my GAL today - get my own things going and just not care about what he's doing and who he's doing it with.
as for sis-in-law - whatever happens will that will happen, i'm not going to call her or force the issue here
anyone have any advice on wht else i can do?
thanks zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Zig what are things you have always wanted to do/try but didn't because life kept you busy?
get a hobby go to church go to the movies exercise go to an IC ride a bike walk tennis video games volunteer at a food pantry/animal shelter/school etc......get the idea
Anything that will keep your brain from thinking about your sitch.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
well - what i should do is focus completely on getting myself working and earning my own money - i think that would make me feel really good
right now i don't feel as if i could take of, because of my son - i need to be here for him.
i have been doing quite a few things - having friends over for parties, started yoga classes twice a week, reconnecting with my friends and family after five years of being out of it with the post concussion syndrome.
i have very little money right now, so can't take off on trips even though i'd like to get away, so that will have to wait.
i know all of the above sound a bit pathetic, but this is from someone who could barely walk across the room or go out a year and half ago, so they are giant steps for me.
right now - getting the work going is my top priority and i am focusing on that. every time i think of the sich i say "detach" three time - sort of like clicking my heels together...:)
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
ooh, i hurt right now - it's so difficult to get away fro these non stop circling thoughts.
what have some of you others done to stop obsessing about the sitch constantly?
this detaching is so difficult.
why is it that our minds, even though we KNOW that this in not good for us right now and we are getting NOTHING positive from this, still continue to want it?
why don't we just GET IT and move on with our lives - i don't mean give up but just move forward. why do we allow it to paralyze us the way it does?
i think it's our egos - now that we "woke up" and are getting it about what we need to do to fix things and make them great, we simply can't bear it that the spouse is not in on it with us right away!!
someone sent me this - it was about acceptance and what it really means to accept - it was long, but the first line read:
if i had to define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is.
i'm really working on that - for the few brief periods when i allow myself to fully accept what is, i feel some peace - and i imagine that when i truly get to that point, it will be really peaceful..
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Zig I am still new at this but I can tell you it takes some time. It depends on how long u have been together and many other factors. When I joined here I was a mess. Could not even do my job. Thought about all of the ifs and should haves and u know what I mean. But I tell u things start to look brighter after a while. Yes I have my bad days/weeks but they are less painful. How are you sleeping and eating? For me thinking about the future stinks. So I have to watch it. Think about what makes u sad and challenge that. Keep posting u are doing good
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
thanks so much for the kind support rick - you are being a wonderful support.
eating - same as before, taking a bit more care
sleeping - compared to a couple of years ago - great - i have a sleep disorder, and finally found the correct treatment for the first 4 mos of this sitch - my sleep was really bad - would wake up a lot during the night , i knew because of the sitch and was unable to fall asleep again, but finally stopped doing that .
i still feel that i take it to bed with me and dream about it all night, but lately i think the feeling is much less intense - i don't wake up anymore feeling like i spent the whole night going over and over it in my mind
what you describe - about the ifs and should haves- yes i still do that, and i'm still working on imagining my future life without him - though i will admit it's not quite as painful as it used to be.
one thing that has finally got through to me after 6 mos is that the emotional rises that happen DO PASS, if one can just hold onto oneself - and that is helping me more and more everyday - to know that when i start feeling really bad and despondent, that in a few hours it will pass and i will be able to focus on something again.
i don't focus very well on other stuff yet, but am working hard at it
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Zig - there are a few messages for you in red font inside of the quotation box below....
Originally Posted By: zig
ooh, i hurt right now - it's so difficult to get away fro these non stop circling thoughts.
what have some of you others done to stop obsessing about the sitch constantly?
The obsessing is what really makes dealing with the sitch the most difficult. This is why GAL is so critical. You've got to start doing things that help take your mind off things and the more physically exhausting they are, the better you will sleep in the night. Exercise, bike riding, jogging, whatever you enjoy, do more of it!
this detaching is so difficult.
why is it that our minds, even though we KNOW that this in not good for us right now and we are getting NOTHING positive from this, still continue to want it?
Because part of you has been ripped from your being. It is painful, but it is, what it is. The more you can detach emotionally from your S, the more protection you give your heart.
why don't we just GET IT and move on with our lives - i don't mean give up but just move forward. why do we allow it to paralyze us the way it does?
It is called FEAR! Acknowledge it! Embrace it! Move forward!
i think it's our egos - now that we "woke up" and are getting it about what we need to do to fix things and make them great, we simply can't bear it that the spouse is not in on it with us right away!!
It is ok to fix things, but the "things" have to be what you can control. Things within YOU, not your S, not your M, within YOU! Keep that as your focus right now.
someone sent me this - it was about acceptance and what it really means to accept - it was long, but the first line read:
if i had to define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is.
Make this ^^^ your motto! Live it! Breathe it!
i'm really working on that - for the few brief periods when i allow myself to fully accept what is, i feel some peace - and i imagine that when i truly get to that point, it will be really peaceful..
Hang in there. Keep your focus on you! Things will get better!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
thanks 2thepoint - for taking the time to write to me.
yes its the FEAR. big fears.
and in my case, even more so - i became really fearful these last few years after the 2 car accidents - and it is one of the biggest reasons why he left - my fear held me back on every level, and i also held him and my son back. it got to the point where leaving the house became a real challenge for me, because everything triggered off the muscle spasms and tremors.
i think he got exhaustedtrying to fight my fears. we had a real [censored] deal - couldn't find a doctor who could really help me, but the biggest factor i think in dealing with the situation was that he absolutely and adamantly refused to go to counseling to help him deal with the horror of what we were going through
after the first few months after the first acccident when i realized that i wasn't getting better i started asking him to please, please go talk to someone to help him cope with how this affected him - he just refused saying"you're the one who's messed up, you're the one disabled, you're the one who needs help, i'm fine"
but he wasn't fine - it affected our lives deeply - he had to take over, take so much care of me, drop his stuff to take care of me and our son - there were times when i was so helpless - it affected our sex life terribly - sex would be great but would end with me in full body spasms that were horrible and him trying to hold me down on the bed because my body was flopping all around - sometimes for up to an hour.
i kept thinking - my god, what is this doing to him - he couldn't ask for sex because he knew what i would go through, so it became always that i had to initiate it - he told me later after the breakup when we were really talking alot, that he tried to get through it as quickly as possible so the spasms would be less.
i haven't thought about this for many months now, and i find myself crying as i write this. the odds were really against us, and were exacerbated by the fact that he wouldn't go talk to a person who was skilled in helping him cope with this terribly difficult situation.
the concussion issues were huge - i was 200% overwhelmed 24 hours a day - in the weeks after the accident i couldn't remember how to do simple tasks like load the washing machine etc. so i was in a really high state of anxiety constantly. sadly he took everything personally, and later he wouldn't even try to step back and help me by staying calm , which was all i needed, but would get really angry and make things terrible. my therapist helped me alot to understand how my brain was working (fight or flight) but it took a couple of years for me to really be able to not get so overwhelmed
finally almost 2 years ago, i finally found the right treatments that really started making a difference - and over the following 8 mos really began to improve, but it seemed as if it was too late for him - he couldn't see the changes - and they were subtle and by that point it had become a complete nightmare for him.
he was so angry and fought over everything and last summer, before he left there were numerous occasions where i would just be standing there in the middle of a 10 day migraine, while he was pissing mad and all i would say is - "i don't even know what we are fighting about"
for him coming home was to find me lying on the couch in the throes of a migraine, or not knowing what he was coming home to - me having a "good day" or a terrible one.
in my own defense i could say that i tried really hard and pushed myself constantly, never giving in to not trying to find the right solution.
the trial for the first accident finally came in dec '10, and we lost - not one cent - and he said that it was the last straw for him - for 4 yrs the medical bills were piling up and he was completely overwhelmed - hoping that the money from winning the case would at least get that pressure off of hi,m.
i was totally non-participating in thefinancial and money part which put all the pressure on him through our whole marriage and i foudn out after he moved out that he had simply stopped opening the bills for almost 2 yrs
even though since last year i have been getting better and better he just couldn't see it or acknowledge it, and now for the last 6 mos. he says - look how great you are doing - you are doing so well because i left so i was right in leaving.
i point out to him calmly that he woke me up, yes, but that i had been getting better all along,in a subtle way. sadly for me when i finally woke up after the effects of the post-concussion syndrome, it was to find out that he was gone.
i know when he looks at me now, he is very confused, where is the hunched up spasming, jerking person who could sometimes not walk across the room - we had both given up on me finding the right treatment and getting better.
who is this smiling happy person, who is dancing all the time and going for walks and having parties (which he has come to), and not arguing and most of all - staying utterly calm, no matter how much he tries to push my buttons?
well 2thepoint - i guess your comments triggered off a rush of emotions and memories for me - i'm sorry this is so long.
i am going to focus on getting off my pity pot here, and follow your advice - every bit of it - this is the most challenging time of my life, ever and i've had some seriously rough spots int he past. not only do i have to figure out life on my own in this sitch with H, but i have to figure out how to live again after 5 yrs on not really being here (after i "woke up" i went through a period of being utterly horrified at how much time i had lost - so these fears - yes they are very much there, and very overwhelming
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
