Just sent an email with questions on setting up my first DB coaching session!
Still feeling some kind of way today. I've been on the verge of tears like 3 times. CRAZY! Maybe it is hormones!
I also took a walk with one of my co-workers today, just to get out of the office. Something I never would have done. It must have been divine intervention. Out of the blue she tells me that her husband is actually her 2nd husband, as she was divorced once before. She was the WAS. So I got a chance to hear that side of things. She said she did try to work on it and gave it what she considered her all. She told me she told her current husband that she didn't care what he did, she was not leaving no matter what. She also told me that her Dad divorced her mom, then remarried someone else, then got divorced again, and it affected her greatly, even at 25. (Something to keep in mind if I ever have to discuss SS19's possible reaction to D with H)
I told her about my situation and she encouraged me to keep going, and stay committed to my M. She also said she thought I was smart, beautiful, and talented, and H was a jacka-- for wanting to leave me. So that was encouraging. My self-esteem has taken a blow with this, so hearing that helps. Got out to enjoy this beautiful weather we are having and got some encouragement.
What a great conversation! Like I've said before, God puts the messengers in our path only when we are ready to hear it: You never took a walk with her before, but the first time that you do- she opens up about her D.... I don't believe in coincidences!
It's good to hear that she encouraged you to keep going on your commitment to the M (perhaps she felt her first H didn't 'fight' when she walked away.)
And even though I don't know you personally... I agree with your friend's assessment of you
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I was so tired tonight, I came straight home and lounged. H & I were again in separate rooms. Didn't really bother me tonight. Something interesting - H left his ipad out tonight. While it does have a code on it, I can still see if text messages are coming in. But I had no urge to snoop. Frankly I am tired of how it always send me into a tailspin. I'm just tired of everything right now. Maybe this is the start of detachment for me.
On another note, as I was going to take my shower, H says there should be a new episode of this show we like on OnDemand. I ask if he's going to watch it in the living room? He says yes. So after my shower I set up on the loveseat with my favorite throw. He comes out after his shower, and starts flipping channels and checks for the show, but doesn't play it. I ask if he's going to watch the show? He says no and shakes his head. WTH? I fold my throw, and come into the bedroom. Anyway, I'm about to watch the show myself in the bedroom. It's a wonder he can even get dressed with the fog he's in. LOL
This morning showed me why sandi's 37 rules are important. I'm also adding KEEPING MY MOUTH SHUT as my own addition. LOL
So H and I ML again this morning. First time since he got back from Vegas. Still not sure what to make of it. Not sure if boundaries are called for or not. I’m not feeling bad about it happening or getting any expectations out of it. Honestly, it just feels good to be warm blooded again. LOL
H finally decided to go to the doctor for his throat. Came into the bedroom as I was getting dressed for work to ask me to call the doctor for him. (Two weeks ago when he had the contact lens issue, it seemed he was adamant about not asking me for help. This is something I used to do, but he hasn’t asked me to do anything like it in a LONG time. I’m assuming he felt pretty horrible to ask me to call the doctor.)
I asked what was wrong, and he said his throat was still hurting and he was tired of feeling bad. So I encouraged him to go to Urgent Care instead so he could be seen quickly. So he got dressed and came to kiss me goodbye. We talked about what he would need for Urgent Care (i.e., insurance card, ID, etc.). As he is walking down the hallway I say “I love you”. (Yeah, I know, Rule #11) He stops midway the hall, turns around gives me this look as to say give me a chance will you, and says, “I wasn’t finished talking. I was making sure I had my insurance card. I love you too.”
Go ahead and say it – KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED! LOL I swear as soon as he said he wasn’t finished talking, I thought, Ro – remember sandi’s rules! Don’t force it on him. Then I thought…guess he told you! LOL Craziness in the morning.
H just called me at work and said he has strep throat. He has to take antibiotics 4 times a day, so it’s pretty bad. He can barely talk and said it even hurt to open his mouth to eat. Said he’d call me if he needed anything. Guess I’m still in my Nurse Betty role. I think I’ve been doing pretty good, but could probably do better since his care scale is WAY higher than mine. (I can thank my mother for that. This has been a topic of heated discussion before) I’ve just been leaving him alone to get some rest. But I don’t want him to think that I don’t care that he’s sick, which is how he’s felt in the past.
I am feeling less “obsessed” about the whole OW thing. I mean I know it’s happening, but I can only control me. At this point, the only thing they can do is talk on the phone, and text/email, since she doesn’t live here. My being here, living with him, following the DB principles has got to give me some kind of head start. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.
So I'm sitting in the bedroom while H is watching TV/playing Playstation in the living room. I'm trying to give him some space to rest. I told him I wasn't being anti-social, just wanted to make sure he got the rest he needed. He didn't invite me to stay (sometimes he does), so I assume he doesn't want me in there.
Now I'm tired of sitting in here in this bed watching this 21 inch TV. But I don't want to sit in there with him and it feel like I'm smothering him.
I would have planned something to do tonight but it's very windy here and supposed to storm off and on. I need a bigger house! LOL
It's supposed to be my night without the kids, but the baby had a fever and so I canceled my plans to take care of him. Now I'm sitting in the bedroom GAL by being on these boards... H is taking a shower in the hall bathroom (which shares a wall with my bedroom)... I can hear the water, but he's not in the shower- so he's probably texting some one. All I want to do is run in there and join him, but he might not appreciate that.
He's so close and yet so far away....
It's also windy here tonight, so GAL plans got modified and currently consist of my laptop, a fuzzy blanket and a glass of wine.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I can't even have a glass of wine with the Xanax. Even though I'm not taking it every day, I don't want to chance it.
So I've watched The Waltons & now I am on to Murder She Wrote. Fun times!
H is sleeping on the couch "to keep me from getting sick". While this logically makes sense, I don't want it to lead to him being back on the couch again full time. Every time I walk through the living room, he either jumps or gives me this strange look. Maybe he's texting OW...I care but I don't care. It's nothing new. He looks ridiculous fumbling all over himself. LOL
I just realized something in my interaction with H yesterday (and probably some this week). We were talking, and somehow I was doing my same old thing of interrupting him and not letting him finish his sentences. I REALLY need to watch this and work on NOT doing that. He didn't seem annoyed by it, but I don't want him to think this is the same old me either.
Changing is so hard, but I know whether we R or not, me having better listening skills will help throughout my life.
On my way to a church meeting, then to work to make up some hours. (Should give H plenty of time to talk to OW. GRRRR! Sometimes I just want to bash that iphone into the wall. Moving on...)
What I really want is to crawl into bed. Like I said H slept on the couch last night, and all I did was toss and turn in bed. How quickly we get used to things. Hopefully I'll be able to catch a nap when I get back home.
Saw the OW responded to one of my stepson's posts on FB. I SO want to say something to H when I go home...but I won't.
And before anyone says anything...I know everyone thinks the LBS should close down their FB accounts, or unfriend certain people, but I shouldn't have to stop looking at my stepson's page. I'm his stepmother NOT HER.
But I know if I say anything, it'll probably lead to an argument or disagreement of some sort, or send him running straight to the phone to call/text her, and slide us way back from where we are...wherever that is.
So the FB thing sent me into a tailspin. Had a convo with H - not about FB. Nothing new, but didn't help. Spent a lot of the afternoon and evening after work crying my eyeballs out. Pretty sure it's mostly hormonal, but sometimes the pain and hurt becomes too much and I have to let it out.
Doing lots of thinking tonight. Next steps, goals...I've got to snap out of this funk.
