Horse it s#cks to be sure. Like rick said the best bit of advice is very simple. I am sorry to say but right now she does not want a future with you. Stop worrying about her having an A. Keep working on yourself and keep posting. You need to do things that you like or always wanted to do. This is for you. Hang in there
I struggled with this too. Right now she is gone. Once you embrace that simple truth you will feel much better. (by the way - that does not mean abandon all hope.)
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
Thanks for the info truegritter. I've read some information about sibling incest but not nearly enough. I'm not sure how long this went on...I do know that she feels guilty about it because she said that she didn't really try to stop him. I've attempted to get her to try to talk to me about it, but she will not (I'm certainly not going to talk about it now, though during the summer, after her first bomb drop, I did mention that because of her experience she may have difficulties with intimacy, for example sometimes we would have fantastic sex and she would act completely cold to me for days after...in fact, we had great sex a week before her second bomb drop...its been almost total ice since then...and I can't believe that, that is just a conincidence). Drug problems - mostly legal stuff...she takes pain killers like candy because of headaches. She recently tapered herself off zoloft and I know that withdrawal symptoms for that particular med can be ghastly (its funny how some of the legal stuff can be the worst for you). I'll look for some of your posts. It's hard to get on here sometimes. Mostly at work...boss has started to notice. Thanks folks.
Horse...I'm new here to but there are a lot of comparisons in our stories. If you read my posts...Need to get it out....you may see what I've seen reading through yours. You are not alone. I know how hard it is as I'm struggling as you are with aspects of it. Be strong.
Lost_in_WA: Wow...quite a few similarities. However, my W hasn't been through as much therapy as your W. The thing that worries me is the difficulty with intimacy that victims of incest suffer from. How can we help them get past that and really open up their hearts? There has been a few moments where she seemed really warm and accepting of me. But almost always there seems to be a wall between us. And that is what worries me about DB's 180s is that it seems like it will be an opportunity for her to withdraw even further. Sometimes when I practice 180s I feel like I'm being too cold to her. Anybody else feel this way? Thanks.
I've been asking myself some of the same questions. There have been times in our relationship where my W had difficulty with intimacy as well. I'm trying my best to educate myself and just ordered the book the wounded heart. I believe it's by dr adeller. It was recommended by TG I believe. I was hoping it may give me some insight. I wish I could understand more, but I'm not at that point yet. I can only offer that you are not alone and others are experiencing similar difficulties too. I'm not sure if that merits any relief, but I take comfort knowing that I may be able to seek advice on this site from people that have been here too. I've been db'n pretty consistently for the last 2 weeks or so and I have similar concerns of being to cold...but I believe that many of the good people on here provide that advice because it works. I have seen glimmers of hope and many of the db'n steps having positive results so far.
The thing that worries me is the difficulty with intimacy that victims of incest suffer from. How can we help them get past that and really open up their hearts?
You CAN'T.
That is the first thing you have to get through your head.
You didn't break her and you CAN'T fix her.
She has to decide to do it.
She may NEVER decide to do that.
When you research this you will find books to help for partners of victims of childhood sexual abuse.
You need to understand as much as you can about this so you can get to a place where you CAN be a source of strength and calm for her
IF <--------
She decides to deal with this.
This is the toughest thing you will ever endeavor to achieve in your life.
At times you will hurt so bad watching someone that you care so much about treat themselves so badly.
It is like dealing with an alcoholic or other abuser. Until they make the choice to change their life...
You can't do anything.
You have to remove yourself from the sh!tstorm that is going on inside her.
Don't try and figure out what's going on in her head because she doesn't even know.
I struggled with detaching and thought the same thoughts that doing so would create even more distance.
What you have to realize and know is it is the best thing here.
The detachment is healthy for both of you but especially for you.
You can't help her if you are both out of the boat and drowning.
There is hope as you will read in your research about this.
But it takes a while and it is totally up to them as to when.
So this is not plain vanilla walk away wife here.
It is that with nuts on top.
So... what are you prepared to do for your marriage if you have no guarantee it can be saved?
What did you mean when you said your vows?
When you said for better or worse?
Every person here has had to answer these questions and the answers are personal
And someone's timeline might not be another's.
But the process should be the same.
In the end you will have made a choice based on who you are and you will have lived that...
You will not be the victim of what some deranged idiot chose to do to your W many years ago.
You will be a survivor. And maybe...
Maybe.
Your marriage will be saved too.
So now begins the journey about YOU. What kind of man do you aspire to be?
Who are you?
I have put a bunch in here for you to digest.
Answer the questions first.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Hi, and welcome. You will get great support here as long as you post as often as you can.
My heart goes out to you and your W. I'm no professional either, but based on what you've said about your W, it seems like she really loves having sex with you, but whenever she allows herself to enjoy it....the shame factor quickly follows. It's like she shouldn't enjoy sex b/c that means she's bad. She feels shame that she didn't try harder to stop the incest. IDK, but I think that may have a lot to do with her having a wall between you and for acting cold the next day.
Seems to me that a therapist would need to council with her and with you.
Quote:
And that is what worries me about DB's 180s is that it seems like it will be an opportunity for her to withdraw even further. Sometimes when I practice 180s I feel like I'm being too cold to her. Anybody else feel this way? Thanks.
I think the majority of newcomers are leery of the 180's. So, you're not alone. Here's the main thing you need to understand about applying 180's, and that is you are not to behave in a cold manner toward your W. A lot of men have trouble understanding that "detachment" does not mean you ignore her, or shut her completely out, or act like you're mad or moody. That is not what detachment is about.
Detaching is pulling back. Stop contacting her as much as you use to do. Don 't smother her by wanting to know every move she makes. Don't hang over her when at home together.
Listen, your heart will not detach, but your actions can. LBH's are always concerned about the W thinking he's being cold. Don't worry about that. If you act nicely while stepping back....she won't think you're cold. You will be surprised how your pulling back...will actually draw her in.
A lot of what you are feeling is fear. Don't let that control you. Trust the principles that DR teaches.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I went retrograde with 180s this morning without thinking. I told my wife that we love her (referring to myself and our little D's) during a panic attack she was having this morning (we were having utility service issues and this stressful event really threw her anxiety into overdrive). How badly do you think I screwed up? Will I have to start over?
