H is leaving tomorrow morning. He was not happy with me this weekend. He didn't get affection from me and I wasn't very responsive to his conversations. (I was actually in a bad mood this morning and was grumpy with him...I apologized when he got back from a run). A couple times when things didn't go well with the kids...he swore under his breath at me. I can handle it...but it's annoying. I still think he's in such a selfish place that it's hard for him to deal with the family.
He went to look for places today. He doesn't seem to have thought through the finances yet...he seems to be in a bit of a fantasy world about us both being able to continue to live in nice places. (We live in an expensive area and I can continue to rent the house I'm in...but if he is required to pay child support...which I expect he will have to do...he can't afford an equally nice place)
I may file for separation sometime in the next couple weeks. I have some income that I want to protect. Also, it'll protect me from H spending down our money. H said that was okay with him.
I'm still really struggling with things...but, again, it's been 7 months of this crap. Also, he has plans next weekend and won't tell me what they are. From past experience, the vibe I get is that he has plans with OW. He claims it's not a vacation this time...but what's the difference if he's in her city and they are doing fun things.
Yeah, the affection from him is hard. I'm not into it anymore (just done trying to compete)...but, he can still be nice and he still says he loves me...so it can be hard not to let him give me a backrub or hug me. It is an interesting test though to try to kiss him and have him turn his head...
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
I may file for separation sometime in the next couple weeks. I have some income that I want to protect. Also, it'll protect me from H spending down our money. H said that was okay with him.
I'm still really struggling with things...but, again, it's been 7 months of this crap.
Then I would say you're about 6 months since the time you should have had some formal financial protections in place. People who are actively wayward typically demonstrate off-the-charts senses of ENTITLEMENT, as well as other addictive behaviors, and you'd be wise to protect your finances, Nb.
And if you're refusing to be his bootie call now, he may lash out financially. (He may not, but it's best for you to protect yourself).
I talked to a lawyer early on. Most of our assets are real estate or in a separate account of mine. I'm ok....but, I have a bonus payable this month that I would like to keep.
H and I make similar money and I can see his account online. It isn't out of control. H is pretty cheap and OW is rich.
I do appreciate the concern though...
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
I talked to a lawyer early on. Most of our assets are real estate or in a separate account of mine. I'm ok....but, I have a bonus payable this month that I would like to keep.
H and I make similar money and I can see his account online. It isn't out of control. H is pretty cheap and OW is rich.
MZ and Starsky, and you guys are using my affair thread to discuss grammar! I have bigger problems here! :-)
Humor is all good.
H is floundering around. He is freaking out that I'm going to talk to a lawyer about money and about him trying to buy a house right now. "That's going to put us on the path to divorce." I was in an airport today for business travel and was in a crowd of people saying things on the phone to him like, "I didn't put us on the path for divorce...your affair over the last 8 months did!" My friend I confide in about this stuff found it kind of funny.
He is saying "if we reconcile" more often...but I keep asking him if he'll try or what he wants and he can't say.
I'm still texting quite a bit with my new guy "friend". We're going out for drinks on Friday. I'm sure I should feel worse, but this guy is great support for me and I'm having fun.
I'd love to know what OW is thinking these days...H is working very long hours and I can't imagine she'd be thrilled if she knew what he was saying to me about his indecision.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
H is floundering around. He is freaking out that I'm going to talk to a lawyer about money and about him trying to buy a house right now. "That's going to put us on the path to divorce." I was in an airport today for business travel and was in a crowd of people saying things on the phone to him like, "I didn't put us on the path for divorce...your affair over the last 8 months did!" My friend I confide in about this stuff found it kind of funny.
Good "truth dart." You can't really teach a wayward, WHILE they're wayward, but you can land little "truth darts" from time to time like that, and let them sink in.
You can also tell him "I haven't decided anything yet, but I thought it would be wise, considering the state of our marriage, to better understand what my legal options and rights are right now."
Notice you DON'T reassure him ("Oh don't worry, I'm not going to do anything ..."), nor do you threaten him. Just a calm "I haven't decided anything yet," etc.
Look, you've got two VERY strong basic, human dynamics that you are putting in play on your behalf, Nb:
One is that "Men value most, what we have to pursue."
The other is that us humans are, really at the end of the day "path-of-least-resistance" creatures. The ol' "body at rest tends to remain at rest, until acted upon by an outside force" thing. It's sad, but also likely that your husband isn't going to do ANYTHING regarding a move back towards your marriage unless placed into some sort of crisis, fear-of-loss mode. Now that you have him there, be civil -- even courteous -- but don't rescue him.
Oh, and be careful with the OM stuff -- you're playing with lit matches there, kiddo.
Like playing with matches when your house is already on fire? I agree. I am thinking I need to cut it off with OM until I have more clarity on H.
Yeah, interesting and very hard to push forward...but H doesn't like his world being rocked. He seems to be fighting in all directions. He was joking with me some on text msg later in the day...seemed friendlier than the past. On the other hand, feels like he is on a date tonight...silence.
My struggle is that I need to know at some point if H and I can set mutual expectations for what we want going forward if we were to try. I know that is a premature statement...but goes back to me not being sure I would take him.
The huge thing my OM friendship is giving me is some strength and more understanding of H. I know that is a bit demented.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
