She loves me not

[MrBond]

"It's what I wanted to hear so I stayed."

Wrong reaction. You don't stay because of something you want to hear. You stay because she has proven herself to you. You are going to say that she did by being honest, etc. But let's face it, she wasn't. You had to drag the truth out from her.

At that point, you should have asked her "why"? Something like "why would you want me to stay?" "I need to feel that you are someone I can trust and you haven't been open about things. Why should I believe you now?" And then let her respond. Her answer would have given you an idea of how she would make things right.

"It was the sting of her saying I had my own part in the A."

I can't stress this enough...NEVER EVER TAKE THE BLAME OR HAVE SOMEONE BLAME YOU FOR THEIR OWN AFFAIR! There are other, healthier ways of dealing with issues in a M. But an Affair is the most selfish thing another person could do. It breaks all kinds of boundaries and is not justifiable by any means. Don't ever have someone pin the blame on you.

[MrBond]

TSquared2,

I would suggest you start your own thread so others can follow you and assist your needs. Good luck to you.

[pulpwood]

Mr. Bond,

I hear you, and thank you.

I agree that I did not make the choice of A. But, I have not been meeting her emotional needs. Even if by pure ignorance on how to do it. The difference in male and female...whatever you call it.

It is quite eyeopening as most of the literature I have been reading (DR, Mars - Venus, How to improve your M w/o talking, this site) describe the sitch as text-book. I was oblivious and she has checked out. Her love tank empty.

Should I revisit the issue IYHO?

I am on the no side of the fence for now. I do not like it. But I can NOT control the A.

[TSquared2]

What other things can you start or restart regarding GAL? Any hobbies you've let drop off over the years that you used to love?

I started tying flies and leather working again...W once said that seeing me do that was "sexy"...

Biking to work except in winter.

REI has weekly free events (I am into outdoor/back country sports).

I can't quite get back to music/songwriting yet emotionally...like the world needs another lost lover song...

Since you are at home atm...why not get Julia Childs French Cooking book and become your own chef? I have yet to run into a woman who minds a man that can cook...

Books, books, books (and not all self-help, R books either, get some good sci-fi/fantasy/literature)...thrift store gets me a bag o' books for a quarter (W usually gets these for me actually).

Heck, even model building...why not? Adults need play time too.

I needed to find inexpensive/free things and they are out there, even in my mid-sized town. You can too.

[TSquared2]

I asked W for all the things she found lacking in our R that she felt were my fault...and in front of her I wrote down what she said. I went through list and found what I could/would be responsible for fixing/180/changing.

I check in with myself and the list weekly to make sure I am keeping on track, changing, and keeping the changes going. And I like the man I see in the mirror now (and it shows to others too, btw).

Those things we are responsible for, not our W's choice to have A...I didn't choose to have an A during W's times she couldn't meet my needs through our M, or during her A, or mlc...I have been tempted many times, but then I wouldn't be the man/person I want to be, would I?

[MrBond]

"I was oblivious and she has checked out. Her love tank empty."

Let's face it. She was oblivious too. She could just have spent the same amount of energy trying to strengthen her relationship with you rather potentially having an A. So don't beat yourself over who's to blame.

"Should I revisit the issue IYHO?"

I'm not sure what issue you're referring to. You said she was open and talked to you about it and you seem content with that. There's going to have to come a time when you stop obsessing about the EA. If she is really open to healing things, then she needs to see to your insecurities that SHE caused. If you need to feel the trust with her again, tell her that you need transparency. That you can check her phone when you respectfully ask for it. That she does not contact the other guy. Again, state these needs clearly and confidently.

[TSquared2]

Apologies if I hijacked the thread, I only meant to comment on the co-incidence of your advice to pulpwood and how that matched up with what I was thinking about.

[pulpwood]

T^2,

No apology needed. I greatly appreciate your insight. I am new and it sounds like you have years of experience.

I too am an outdoorsman. Hunting (mostly archery), fishing, floating the river and watch the world go by.

I should try hiking as I'm in a new area that has many trails within a 2hr drive.

Like MrBond, I would like to know your story. I also think it would help you to express it.

Thanks to you all. I have much to learn.

[pulpwood]

Oh, BTW.

My confrontation about OM was 16 days ago.

Wish I had MrBonds advice beforehand. You are wise. I did not present her with a question of how she could make things right.

[TSquared2]

I am no DB expert by any means.

I did not realize what really was going on the first time around (A). A got stopped but....looking back on everything said/done then, past history (childhood, adolescence, and so forth), then interval between then and current crisis...IC and I pretty much have it as MLC (along with peri/menopause, empty nest, etc).

I made quite a few changes the first time around, but I let them slip...so phase 2 of MLC, as has been documented here, came back, with a vengeance.

So I got the ILYBNILWY speech, cyber/emotional affairs (like sandi2's sitch, and maybe PA now) in Sept last year .... but there was a nice little break in between, but now I see that the under currents were growing during that break.

I am reluctant to post sitch, as I think W may read here (thanks amaz history of recent purchases, but I should have known better) and the details would most likely clue her in...but I am seriously thinking about posting it anyway.

So I am here as a beginning mind, and this forum has saved me (mostly from myself)

For me, getting in the mountains and away centers and grounds me, but any outdoor activity definitely contributes to maintaining PMA. Try to do as much as you can!

(Archery...another GAL...I am old school recurve guy myself)