Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[kat727]

You are not a family of 4 anymore, you are a family of 3. I don't think it is a good idea to encourage the "family feeling" when it isn't what is happening in you and your ex's lives.

I know I probably bothered you about you not being ready to date. I still stand by that. There was an interesting article on another site I participate on and I posted in on the alt. It addressed wether or not you were ready to date. I am paraphrasing but the 2nd point was, I am over my ex and no, I am not hoping to get back together with them. You yourself have said that that isn't a true statement for you. It is fine to be in a group, hanging out with a friend or two, hang out by yourself. Time and work will get you where you need to be.

kat

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling:

Interesting topic in church led to an intersting discussion in church growth group Thursday night. Bullying. With social media, bullying just follows kids home now.

But the real revelation was that I have a couple of people in my high school past I really need to apologize to. I was not nice to them at all for really no reason. I was a social climber and left a few footprints along the way.

Just an observation.

Stuff is happening on the accident. The insurance company is preparing a settlement offer and I'm seeing an attorney just in case ... and I'm thinking about putting on the brakes because my neck is still hurting.

I'm going to see if I can get in to see a doctor this week.

My weekend with girls, but it's all messed up. D9 has strep throat. I was prepared to stay home with her Thursday but XW called and said she'd have problems staying home Friday because of meetings. So she came and picked D9 up and I went in to work Thursday, got everything done and stayed home today.

Some would say I'm being too accomodating, but it's in the best interests of the girls. D12 is staying at XW's tonight because my house is so small she'd be too exposed to D9 and her big party is next weekend.

I asked XW if she could watch D9 tomorrow night so I could take D12 to dinner as my birthday celebration. She said she had plans but would chip in for a sitter. Normally, she says yes and yes I wondered about the plans, but I didn't take her up on the sitter money. I don't need money from her. As far as I can tell, I'm in way better shape financially on about 40 percent (after child support) of her income. You'd laugh, I have this printout that I put on my refrigerator. It has a chart on my assets and debts, my balances on those, a 12 month line chart comparing my earnings to expenses, even a monthly minimum balance.

It's all about keeping me focused. It stares me in the face every time I get something to eat.

Today, I've done way too much sitting around. I know it's late, but I'm going to get out of this chair and do a workout before I come down with what D9 has.

Back on Match and saw someone I'd be interested in and sent an email. Then I scrolled down and saw "conservative." Sigh. Middle of the road is the farthest right I'd consider. Then again, if she's a conservative and sees "liberal" I doubt she'll respond anyway.

Happy Friday.

[whatisis]

Journaling:


Back on Match and saw someone I'd be interested in and sent an email. Then I scrolled down and saw "conservative." Sigh. Middle of the road is the farthest right I'd consider. Then again, if she's a conservative and sees "liberal" I doubt she'll respond anyway.

Happy Friday.

You should date in Canada, every woman writes "middle of the road" for their political views lol.

[ClingingToHope]

I was never a big "Two and a Half Men" fan. I'd watch it occasionally. It became more interesting after the D because I identify with the younger divorced brother.

I remember watching an episode where his XW breaks up with her boyfriend and he acts all sad and then when she closes the door he does a little happy dance.

I've kind of been like that the last few weeks, but tonight I got a kick in the gut.

When things didn't work out with DHU_41, I felt really good about myself. It didn't feel right. She wasn't someone I could see a long term future with. I was proud that I didn't drag it out just to be with someone. And when it was over I started to think about XW again.

It's that 1 percent in me.

Tonight, I was taking D12 to her favorite restaurant for her birthday, since it's next weekend and not my weekend.

We were waiting to be seated and out of nowhere she says, "mom's seeing someone."

I didn't say anything so she plowed on. Saying XW asked if she wanted to know whether she's been dating. Apparently, she's going back out with motorcycle guy from two summers ago. They've been out twice. Apparently, it ended before because he wanted to meet the girls and she didn't think they were ready.

I hate to say it, but it felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. It brought back all that pain from that summer. I felt desperate again. Desperate for someone, anyone. I even toyed with calling DHU_41 tonight.

The series at church is called destinations. Basically, your path determines where you end up. I've been feeling good about myself. I have things under control at work. I have things under control financially. I have things under control at work.

But I don't have things under control emotionally with the XW.

I don't know why but I can't shake that last 1 percent that this is all just a phase.

Even when I think about XW and motorcycle guy. I mean he's older, not very good looking, from what I remember seeing a couple of years ago, he spends most of his non-work, waking hours at the bars in a little dive town.

It hurts like hell that she'd want him rather than me.

Next week is D12's party. I asked her if it was alright if I didn't go. She said that's fine. I probably shouldn't have asked and I shouldn't have told XW I'd go. I was never asked. It was assumed I'd go.

Maybe I'll feel differently in the morning, but right now I don't want to see her, her family or her friends who introduced her to this guy.

There are peaks and valleys and this is a valley.

I read a book about coming back from betrayal a couple of years ago. One of the tips is to do an exercise where you imagine yourself in five years and 10 years.

In the past two and a half years, the only other person I could imagine myself with was Church_31. Otherwise, when I look into the future, I keep imagining myself back with XW.

I wonder if this comes from my dad. My sister and I have talked a lot about this, but he didn't get over my mom for a long, long time. He fell off the wagon a few times. He met and moved in with a nice lady for a while, but they never got married. Finally, he drank too much and had to leave the state. Once he got away, he met a lady he married right before he died.

Tonight, I feel like that may happen to me. I may not be able to truly feel free of this until I've shaken the dust off and left this town.

[ClingingToHope]

Just a long night of jumbled thoughts. A lot of "woe is me" thinking. Weird how my self worth just crumbles. A month ago I was with a woman who would do anything for me and I had no interest in her so I let it go.

And that felt so good.

Then I find out XW is back with the same guy she started seeing before she filed for divorce and I'm back in an emotional hole again.

I'm trying to flip the conversation in my head. Instead of wondering why the person I thought was "the love of my life" doesn't want me I remembered the night I saw the pictures of her trip to South Dakota with her motorcycle buddies.

She supposedly went because her best friend was going. Then more than half of the 40 photos she posted were of this guy.

I remember seeing that and feeling and saying to myself "she's a liar and a cheat and I'm better off without her."

She lied to me when I asked about the relationship and she was seeing him way before she filed for divorce. That's cheating to me. And he's everything she said to me she didn't want to be.

Her best friend lives in this little dive town. She only comes into the city to work. Otherwise, she just goes to the bars and drinks and she now weighs over 300 pounds.

But this is XW's best friend and they never hung out anymore so I would encourage the two of them to see each other to get her out of her depression.

Finally, one day she said "don't you get it? I don't want to be like ... just going to the bar every night and getting fat."

Yet, the guy she started dating and apparently has gone back to is one of those bar buddies. He's really a lot like her dad, who never came home from work until he'd had five or six at the bar.

I saw that and said to myself that's not what a husband or dad should be.

It turns out that's what she wants ... and I am better off.

The problem is I can't cut her out of my life because of the girls. I feel like hopping in a car and driving for two days and rebuilding my life there. But I can't leave them to her influences. D12 is talking about going to college in Chicago and moving to Los Angeles. That's what I want. I want her to see the world. I still have work to do with D9. XW would be happy spending the rest of her life with her mom at their campground, reading romance novels. The outside world is too scary for her. D12 is not like that and I have to make sure D9 escapes as well.

[mishka422]

D12 is not like that and I have to make sure D9 escapes as well.

Be very, very careful. That sounds like a controlling statement and your D9 will rebel at every opportunity just to do exactly the opposite of what you want.

Remember, whatever she wants to do with her life is what's important. If she doesn't want to 'escape' as you put it, what then? Will you cut her out? Be disappointed in her? What?

[ClingingToHope]

XW's world view is no bigger than her back yard. She's never wanted to live more than five minutes from her mom. She tells the girls she didn't go to college because she didn't want to leave her parents.

There is a big, big world out there and I don't want D9 to be scared to see it.

That's why in the summers we go to Chicago and Florida and this year Winnipeg. I try to give them some big city excitement.

Some people are perfectly fine living and dying in one spot and knowing no more than a handful of people.

What I've said is, if you go off and see the world and discover that your home town is where you want to stay, fine. I just want them to go off and see something else. Don't be scared to see the world.

That's funny coming from me because I'm living on the street I grew up on. I can't go anywhere without running into someone I know from sports, high school, growing up or from the paper.

But I was born here and I don't want to die here. Once the girls are safely off to college I hope I finally break free. I went to college and got into journalism to see the world, but then I met and married someone who wouldn't live 10 minutes from her mom.

[mishka422]

CTH, from the way you describe your xw, I wonder what the heck it is that you are pining for. She sounds like everything you DON'T want in a woman. Why the heck are you spending time thinking about the why's and what if's and clinging to that 1%?

[ClingingToHope]

Believe me, Mishka, I've asked myself that a thousand times.

[ClingingToHope]

OK. I've calmed down. In the end, it really only matters what I do. That's all I can control. I will go to the birthday party Saturday because I don't want D12 to think of her 13th birthday party and remember I wasn't there.

I will be fine.