It's amazing how the WAS justifies an EA. If you don't like it, you're just pushing them further away according to their logic, but if you accept it then the M is over. It's such a mental and emotional trap dealing with it.
It does sound like you two are heading in the right direction, just at your H's pace.
Don't be surprised if you come home one day, and your H has hid all knives and scissors in the house! Lol- we know you would never do something like that.... or would you
Like Rick said, it DOES seem like y'all are moving in a positive direction, just do it S..L..O..W..L..Y.
It's good that H is responsive to your frustrations, instead of ignoring them completely. Yes, it is beyond frustrating how they can twist and manipulate conversations and actions to blame us- but we here in DB land are smart enough to know that it's their way of convincing themselves that they are right in their choice to leave... afterall, if they (God forbid) gave us a compliment or admitted that they were wrong in any capacity, then their perfect book of "I have every reason to be angry and leave this M" would go up in flames.
You've got a great head on your shoulders and you are a wonderful mom!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
"H has has been very loving father towards S4 up until recently. Always helped out with anything, from getting up in the middle of the night to changing diapers. He has admitted on a few occasions that he is jealous of S4 and that I put all of my energy towards S4. I don't disagree with him, I know I should have balanced it out better than I have."
NH, lots of good stuff here. I didn't get a chance to read all of it yet, but definitely wanted to comment on the quote, and a few other things.
I believe Father-son jealousy is a common condition. My parents divorced when I was six, and my mother would always say, "Your father was always jealous of you." It sort of made me feel like the Golden child. Your s4 is obviously a very bright, special little boy--and it's very common for women to idolize their son(s), so perhaps that's an area that you could do a 180.
I read your posts up until Mohegan--which was in December before Christmas--Here are my thoughts about those happenings. First--congratulations on ML! That's huge. I haven't had the opportunity to do that with my wife since Oct 17th...but I'm still alive and well.
It seems like your h is going through a mid-life crisis. Since the birth of your son, he's not feeling as though he's getting as much love as he used to. Perhaps I should say attention there not love. Because, as we all know having children changes everything.
I recommend if you haven't done this already, go out on a date--ask him if he wants to go. Hire a sitter, etc. Go out and have a good time.
I do have a big question though...with OW--was there anything physical there that you know of? You mentioned earlier that you had been spying on his phone...I'd recommend you stop that--but I am a culprit of that myself. It's such tantalizing fruit--to peer into the phone to see what's going on.
I have to say on that matter, that last year, it really started to concern me when this other guy had 204 txts to my wife and I had like 300 something. I said, "This bastard's only known my wife a year, and he's almost caught up with me!" I'm sorry, I love everyone, but if you have to go chasing after someone's husband or wife, you've got issues! I'll leave it at that.
Ohh, I don't know if you bought a cat yet--but instead of buying one, you could try to adopt a neighbor cat, by leaving food out back? Hopefully that way you'll find a nice neighbor cat that you don't have to take responsibility for, but your s can still feel like he has a pet. Just an idea.
Last thing--not sure if you tried a coach yet, but maybe you should sign on for one session. It might be worth it. You're definitely still at a decent point in your relationship (not at defcon 4 like I was at the beginning of the year.--I know it's still really tough, but you can use a lot of other techniques because the two of you are still (as of 12/20) still living together, and communicating to a decent degree.
Hope this is still topical. I'll try to read through the rest of your posts later this weekend.
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
by 180, I mean show a little more attention to husband, not stop loving your son...I didn't really proof read, what I posted. Hopefully it all makes sense.
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
Here I am again..having a hard time sticking to the DB principles. My emotions have been getting the best of me.
H came home last night while I was making dinner. Of course, my face has to let him know that I was thinking about something. He said: "What? I'm here. I'm home and I love you." And how do I respond? (get your 2x4's out)..."no, you don't (though in a joking way). Sigh. That was the first time he said it in about 3 months and he hasn't said it again since.
Had another one of those "talks" with H. I've been obsessing with the OW way more than I should. I guess I'm having a hard time seeing how unwilling H is to give up their "friendship".
Another thing that has been bothering me is the fact that H is still in denial. He still thinks that he didn't cheat. He doesn't think that having an EA and kissing OW is cheating! I told him over and over that it is and he has to accept that.
Last night was the first time that he actually said that it was a mistake.
I am not after punishing H. I don't want justice of any kind. All I want is for him to accept that what he did was wrong, to apologize to me, to break off unnecessary contact, and to promise me that it won't happen again...that he's learned from this mistake.
OW and H sit next to each other at work. They have to work closely together. I know he can't just quit his job and I have to accept that they have to have some degree of contact, but I just wish that he would limit it to just that.
H told me that I can't tell him who to be friends with. I told him I agreed, but what I can tell him is how I feel about it and it is up to him to respect my feelings or not. And right now he is choosing her "friendship" over my feelings. That stings.
I told him about the image I have burned into my memory of OW. A month before the bomb I had stopped at his office and I saw OW for the first time. She didn't say hi, H didn't introduce us. She just walked by and looked at me with a big ugly smile and kept walking. That was while things were still good before us, but now I know why she walked by...had to check out what was going on. I just can't seem to get that image of her out of my memory.
H said that he doesn't want to talk about it. He thinks that by not talking about it will make things go away and get better. I told him I disagreed and that we need to talk it out. If we ignore this now, things will not go away completely and will come back to haunt us (mainly me) down the road.
I asked H again why he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. He said he doesn't want to and that it's tainted. So I guess he'll never wear it again??
I don't know where my feelings are at this point. I feel better about letting him know that I hurt. I don't feel good about H not admitting that he cheated. I really wish he would agree to do MC.
My GAL activity today was to attend a first time home buyers class. It took all day and was quite tiring. H and S4 got to spend a whole day together (it's been a long time!!!). Now H has gone out and I'm curled up on the couch with a glass of wine.
When he came home and said that statement, instead of 1.smiling 2.saying thanks 3.saying i love you too (which could be pursuing, but in this case might have been ok)
You punished him! Think of it like this: if your S4 made you a bowl of cereal and he was super proud of himself, you wouldn't point out to him that he made a mess in the process, would you? You wouldn't tell him to not do it again. You WOULD smile, give lots of praise and tell him it was the best breakfast you'd ever had- you would go over the top with thanks. And guess what, your S would probably do it again and again because he knew that he made you happy.
Do you think H had any reason to say anything like that statement he made again? You basically told him that you don't believe him (and you may not) but if you are still wanting to save your M, you've got to give him A LOT of credit when he does these things. Psychology 101: reinforce POSITIVE behaviors through acknowledgement and praise, ignore the negative ones.
I would give my right arm (because I'm left handed) to hear my H say something like that to me! I probably would have flown over the counter and ML to him in the doorway- not caring if anybody saw us b/c it would have made me the happiest person in the world in that moment.
Ok, now back to you. *You* are the one here and *you* are the one we care about.
Sadly, I don't have much to offer in regards to the OW issue. I am struggling with the same conflict of wanting to ignore it and move past it, but at the same time I want an apology and see some remorse from H. I just remember what 25 has told me: that it's not OUR job to show or teach them the error of their ways, life will do it for them. IMO- Life should hurry it's little @ss up!!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
NH - I have done exactly what you have done. In fact, many times before my H dropped the 1st bomb. I have tried not to since finding DB because it gets me nowhere. (When I do bring up OW, bad things happen..see my thread for details.)
Purg is right, you were punishing him. We're both blessed in that our H are still at home. Punishing him only pushes him closer to the OW and further away from you.
But Purg & BK question for you - H is at home, still has contact with OW, and tells us ILU. How are you supposed to react when you know about the OW? I keep wanting to ask him if he tells her the same thing? You can answer on my thread so I don't hijack NH's thread completely. LOL
NH, I can see how you backslid, but they are right - that was punishment. I am in awe of your and other's ability to stay as patient as you do with OW in the picture. There is an OM in my sitch, and I pushed W away with my snooping and comments and challenges about him, to him.
Just wanted to point out that you are doing a great job, but recovery as quickly as you can and get back to the right direction.
I completely agree that I should have handled my response better. I guess I was just surprised by it. And also his tone was not the "I love you and I care about you" kind, it was more of a "Fine. I love you. Are you happy?" kind of tone. In which case, no, "I'm not happy". I don't want him to say anything if it isn't true. And if it is, then show a little more affection or at least use a tone that would make it more believing. Maybe if H even showed a little bit of remorse, then I may not so upset about things. I need to practice thought-stopping more.
I was re-reading some parts of the DR book today, specifically the the infidelity section. I'm trying to find ways to help me cope and get through this. Lots of good stuff there. When I read the book initially, I didn't know for sure about OW, so it was good to re-read this part from a slightly different perspective.
