Everyone has said not to confront, but I think I at least need to let H know somehow that I am not condoning his A in no uncertain terms. We talked about it and I told him I wasn't giving up on us, but I never said clearly I want you to stop it - NOW!
I just had an interesting and probably very anti-DBing convo with H.
Preface: OW posted a picture on Twitter of one of the celebs H saw so I figured out she was in Vegas.
Sent him a text checking if he was back or not. His flight was supposed to get in a hour ago and I know the weather is bad in NC. He calls me and tells me their luggage is on another flight so that's holding them up.
I tell him I have something to ask him. I don't want him to get mad, just be honest. I ask simply if his mistress was in Vegas. He pauses and says yes, she showed up. I asked why he lied when I asked him before? He said slowly that he didn't lie...the trip was just for him and his friends. I say I know you were originally supposed to go with her. He repeats what I said as a question. I say I found this out when I found out about the A. He says again it was a boys trip. I ask if he saw her. He says Saturday for a little while; that he didn't get to hang with her that much. He sounded remorseful so I asked him if he wanted to. He said really he was having too much fun with the fellas. He sticks to the story that she was not supposed to be there.
Apparently she came with some of her girls. He said their flights got messed up so their trip kind of sucked. (WELL BOO HOO! *sarcasm*)
I tell him that I know she exists and I do not condone what he is doing. He mumbled something to himself. I told him what I really want to do is beat her to a pulp, but I won't. He says softly, I know you do. I told him I still haven't given up on us. He says I know.
I managed to change the subject at that point. Asked him how he was feeling - not great. Told him it sucked that he got sick. Stroked his feelings a little bit. ( H turns into a big baby when he's sick)
Convo ended with him saying he would call me before he went to bed, and I love you.
I actually feel good about the conversation, even if it was anti-DB. I was not feeling that H got that I wasn't condoning his A when I said I wasn't giving up on us. I was feeling he thought he got to do whatever he wanted and I was ok with that. Now he knows I'm not.
Not sure what is going on with H and OW. All of the reservation stuff I saw was made and paid for by her. He seemed surprised that I thought he was going with her. Now I know not to believe anything he says. But I do know for a fact he only texted her once while he was there (yes, I checked). But the fact that he hardly saw her at all (he could be lying here I know) is very telling to me. Considering they are "in love".
Anyway, I just wanted to get this out. I tried to channel Zen Purg, and I think it worked. Normally I would have been yelling and fussing, and cussing. None of that happened. I think me being calm is really freaking him out. But I honestly like the new calm me. Its so much easier not to sweat the small stuff than blowing a gasket.
I don't think this will change my sitch any. I just feel better at how I was able to handle the conversation.
Glad my Zen Purg has reached you!!! I too like this calmer version- things tend to get resolved faster.
As fat as your convo- you still used your 180 of remaining calm- so it wasn't a complete DB loss I'd be hesitant to say that this was a complete success- b/c he may process and come back at you on a later date.... But for tonight: if you feel better about getting that in the open and how you handled it... Than its a success!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
So do you love your H now or are you only back together because it is the right thing to do? Assuming you love your H, what occurred to change your feelings beyond doing the right things? Did you and your H eventually seek counseling, or some other type of therapy?
I can truthfully say that I love my H very much! But it took time for me to get through my stuff, and he needed to heal from the hurt I caused him. This was done without any counseling or therapy. It was very slow paced. But we got there! If anything happened to him, I would be completely devastated.
I wanted us to go to MC but he was dead set against it. So I used this board as my therapy. I was here day & night.
Quote:
what occurred to change your feelings beyond doing the right things?
There wasn't anything that occurred. But when one is doing what is right, and working to get the bad stuff out of your heart and replace with the love you once had.....I think it will come. It did for me. You see, I'm the type that I need people to talk straight to me. And, at the time, I had those wise people here on the board and they gave me that tough love.
I'm sure my H would have loved for something to occur that would have snapped me back to the way I used to be, but I don't know if it happens in real life that way. Makes for good movies.
If we had had some good therapy, I believe progress would have been made faster. However, we didn't have that, so it took a long time for me. But, we made it! And I'm with my H today b/c I want to be with him.
That's why I still hang around the board, b/c I know there's hope in saving a M if one of the partners won't give up. My H did not have DB tools, but he didn't give up hope and he hung in here while I worked through my stuff.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Talked to H before my doctor's appt this morning. He talked some about Vegas and how fun it was . He's still sick. He asked why I was at the dr. I told him just a check-up for something (which was true. He doesn't need to know about my anxiety.) He said he was leaving at 12noon or 1pm and he'd call me when he was on the road.
I sent him a text thanking him for making me smile because I was nervous about the appt. He asked why I was nervous? I told him my aunt had the same issue and ended up having something similiar to chemo. He told me that we were not going to claim that; that I was covered by God and would be fine. I told him I know, and thanks for reminding me. In between this he sent me a text saying "I miss you :-(" (This is a convo I would have had with the old H. Not this alien life form I'm living with now)
So, I got a prescription for Xanax from my dr. It's the lowest dosage and I've taken one. My anxiety is now at about 87 instead of 100. Thank God!
So its 3pm and I have not heard from H. I call, no answer. (I know no calls, but I couldn't resist) He sends me a text like 15 mins later telling me he just woke up and asking me how everything went. ZenMother went out the window.
I ask why he's texting me back when I called him? I say I won't know the results for a while and that I was just checking in since he said he was leaving at 12 or 1 and I had not heard from him. I also thanked for asking about the appt. Then I asked if he was leaving now or later? No answer. Guess he didn't like my text.
It irritated me that he couldn't call me back. Makes me suspicious that he's actually at OW's because today is her b-day. I'm SO pissed that I even care. Why can't I detach? I really need to find an outlet for my anger before he gets here. Otherwise, it'll be WWIII. WOOSAH!
On another note, my Pastor just called. I hadn't talked to her since the 1st bomb, so I had to catch her up. She couldn't believe it. And of course she tells me that he needs to make a decision on what he is going to do, and I need to be the one to ask him since he's not talking about it. I told her I knew that had to happen and it would at some point. Apparently, she called and left him a message to call her. I told her he probably wouldn't.
I didn't tell her about DB. She is old school Pentacostal and WOULD NOT have understood. We need some kind of Christian DBing conference to get the word out. I'm going to get tired of explaining this to church folk! LOL
H called while I was typing my last post. He said he had called me twice and it went to VM. (Sounded irritated...the nerve!) I told him I was on the phone but didn't hear call waiting. Said he mistakenly took some Nightime meds that his friend had so he had to take a nap before getting on the road. Thanked me for checking on him. With the way he sounds, I'll be playing nursemaid like he did last week. This was/is one of his issues as well. That I don't necessarily act concerned or loving when he's sick. (I come from a family where you can get sick, but you better keep it moving! So this was a hard thing for me to do.) This will be my chance to do a 180 and channel Donna Reed.
Think I'm going to go do a workout. Should go to kickboxing, but I'm still not sure how this Xanax is gonna do in my system.
Glad you got some meds, I hope they work for you! Give yourself at least 3 months before you notice long-term results. It's good that you noticed some immediate effects.
Don't beat yourself up too much about calling/texting him- only you can decide if it was too pursuing. My only suggestion would be to be more conscience of this in the future and try to avoid reaching out to him. Remember: He can't reach out to you if you're already there next to him
FWIW, I don't think it was a coincidence that your pastor called during that moment. I relate to your frustrations with trying to explain DB efforts to people- especially religious leaders.... although I don't think DB goes against religion or faith in anyway, but the fact that it's kind of a "new way" of thinking, it's hard for people to wrap their brain around. I had a good response from my family 'pastor' (my really close family friend), he became intrigued and said he was going to read the books- b/c he does a lot of couples and pre-martial counseling.
Prepare to be Mother Theresa when he comes home sick... it would be really funny if you met him at the door in a nurses outfit (maybe one of the 'naughty' ones from halloween time) to let him know that you are fully prepared to be his caretaker! In all seriousness, it's good that you recognize this opportunity to practice a 180... maybe God allowed him to become ill so that you *would* have this opportunity, just a thought.
Kickboxing, yes! Go to the gun range, yes! Chopping wood, yes! All of these things would be great to release that anger.... in fact, I think I have some wood in my backyard- see ya!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I'd be hesitant to say that this was a complete success- b/c he may process and come back at you on a later date.... But for tonight: if you feel better about getting that in the open and how you handled it... Than its a success!