I was reading Crimson's thread, and Sandi posted a really interesting post about expecting 100% from your WAS once a R is possible. She said she had to take baby steps like ending her EA and not contacting him again.
I asked her if she did this on her own or if H asked her to. I'm still going back and forth on what to do about the OW. Do I ask him to end it or wait it out to see what happens? (Not sure where OW and H still stand, but I know he still talks to her everyday).
I would keep your mouth shut for right now about the OW. The few times I mentioned mine in the beginning, H went into defense mode of her... that made my feelings about her even worse!! 25 gave me the best advice: She's not worth the breath that it takes to talk about her. Her actions are despicable and I shouldn't give H (or her) the satisfaction of knowing that they are on my mind.
Trust me, THIS ^^^^^ is super hard to do! Every time I hear her name from H's mouth or my kids- I can feel the adrenaline pulsing through my veins, and I actually have to bite my cheek to keep from bad mouthing her.
I hope Sandi responds (I saw you reach out to her on Crimson's thread) and she'll probably have the best advice- since she's been there. I'm interested to see what she says too.... because hopefully, I'll be in that situation too!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
oh, forgot to mention: 31 responded on my thread with the scriptures that you asked about
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Purg - Thanks! Saw the scriptures. I'll start using them tomorrow over H's pillow since he's not back until Monday.
Keeping my mouth shut is probably going to kill me. LOL Hopefully the dr. will be able to give me something for my anxiety on Monday. Right now, I'm okay on the outside, and probably on my way to the psych ward on the inside. LOL
I was able to talk to a friend who is separated from her H today. Her H is the WAS. She is in shock over what is going on. She encouraged me to at least consult with a L, because of how much more money I make than H (she's in the same boat). I might do that soon. Just to see where I stand. It was good to get the story out and talk to someone who knows what I'm going through.
So...guess who got deathly ill on the last night of the trip? H sent me a text message late last night that he was achy and had a sore throat. I responded this morning that I was sorry he got sick and couldn't really enjoy his last night. He send me a message back saying he was SO sick, he could barely swallow, and his voice was basically gone. Told him to get some meds and try to get some sleep on the plane. He also sent me a bunch of texts about celebrity sightings.
The old Ro would have immediately said something sarcastic like see what happens when you overdo it? But I didn't, just expressed concern.
He's been under the weather since right before the 1st bomb. I think the stress is getting to both of us. *sigh*
Good for you for not doing the "I told you so" routine... even though it was probably warranted! So sad his last day was ruined (can you hear the sarcasm??)
Mmmmmmm, call it karma or divine intervention.... sounds like he's getting a rude reminder of what happens when you lie to your W
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Did your H ask you to give up OM or did you do it on your own?
He discovered my EA with OM over the Internet and confronted me. My H did not ask me to give up the OM. He "expected" me to stop all contacts with OM and told me if he found any more messages, he would throw the computer out the back door.
I learned how to be more sneaky with the EA so that my H would not read anything on the computer. I believe the term is taking the A "underground".
I finally made the decision to end the EA and not contact OM any more. I'm not sure I would have had the strength to do it if I had not found this board and the great support I received. May sound strange that a WAW had support on the board, but I was given information that helped save my M.
It was the most difficult time in my life. I grieved the loss of the OM & the A. It really is like being in mourning. I had a lot of depression that hung on forever. I suffered loneliness. I felt no hope for my M, and I had zero desire for my H. I didn't even want to breathe the same air with him. Staying under the same roof was like torture. I had no energy, no interest, and felt numb.
The best I could do right then...was to be willing "to be willing". Yes, you read that right. I had to first be willing just to get to the step of being willing. That's how low I was. I was not mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or physically able to commit to putting ANY effort toward saving my M. But my H wanted me to put 100% effort.
All I could do at that time, was to just "be there". Making the decision to stay left me feeling completely drained. (I'm not saying every WAS does that.....but that's how I felt.)
This is what I hope you'll get most of all: I made a decision based on what I knew was the right thing to do, not on what I felt in my heart. Just b/c it is the right decision does not mean the right feelings fall into place. I had to continue day in and day out doing what was right instead of what I wanted.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"This is what I hope you'll get most of all: I made a decision based on what I knew was the right thing to do, not on what I felt in my heart. Just b/c it is the right decision does not mean the right feelings fall into place. I had to continue day in and day out doing what was right instead of what I wanted."
So do you love your H now or are you only back together because it is the right thing to do? Assuming you love your H, what occurred to change your feelings beyond doing the right things? Did you and your H eventually seek counseling, or some other type of therapy?
Don't mean to be provocative, just interested.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
"This is what I hope you'll get most of all: I made a decision based on what I knew was the right thing to do, not on what I felt in my heart. Just b/c it is the right decision does not mean the right feelings fall into place. I had to continue day in and day out doing what was right instead of what I wanted."
So do you love your H now or are you only back together because it is the right thing to do? Assuming you love your H, what occurred to change your feelings beyond doing the right things? Did you and your H eventually seek counseling, or some other type of therapy?
Don't mean to be provocative, just interested.
2thepoint beat me to the questions I want to ask. I am wondering what changed for you to even be willing to try?
