Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2

[mimivac]

I woke up to some nastygrams on Twitter from OW. Basically saying that just because I live with H, doesn't make me his main woman. I should in fact be wondering why there is someone on the side.

You have to be kidding me?! OW is actually contacting and taunting you?? Does your H know about this? And if not, is there a DB reason that you are not telling him? This woman is harrassing you and I see no reason that you have to hide it from your H (not saying you are, just wondering). Ro, I am new to this so I might not have it right, but it does seem to me that your H is doing some major cake eating here. He gets to act as if everything is fine at home, with your permission and participation -- and then go on vacation with the OW. And from what you've said, I do believe he is going there specifically to see her. What incentive does he have to change his behavior? Would you be OK in marriage like this long-term? He is learning that it is OK to have both a wife and a mistress. Why would he give that up?

I am sorry if I got it wrong here, but I don't like how he is treating you.

Mimi

[RoRoinMD]

Mimi - There's no DB reason I'm bringing it up. As far as I'm concerned, she's feeling insecure and can't take it out on H. So I'm the next obvious target. There's a certain way I plan on handling her and that requires me to not be the vindictive one. So silence for me on the messages for now. My side will be heard, believe that.

As far as cake eating, I do believe you are right to a certain degree - the intimacy part. Other than that, we've been more like BFFs. We both know things aren't that great at home so there's no pretending there. He does not have my permission to do anything. I made that clear when I first found out about the A. He knows its not okay to have both of us. But as DB reminds us...we can only control ourselves.

Everybody has to make their own decision about how to handle an A. I'm doing what I think is right to save my M at this point. This Friday or next month, I may feel different.

[25yearsmlc]

I woke up to some nastygrams on Twitter from OW. Basically saying that just because I live with H, doesn't make me his main woman. I should in fact be wondering why there is someone on the side.

You have to be kidding me?! OW is actually contacting and taunting you?? Does your H know about this? And if not, is there a DB reason that you are not telling him? This woman is harrassing you and I see no reason that you have to hide it from your H (not saying you are, just wondering). Ro, I am new to this so I might not have it right, but it does seem to me that your H is doing some major cake eating here. He gets to act as if everything is fine at home, with your permission and participation -- and then go on vacation with the OW. And from what you've said, I do believe he is going there specifically to see her. What incentive does he have to change his behavior? Would you be OK in marriage like this long-term? He is learning that it is OK to have both a wife and a mistress. Why would he give that up?



some men won't. But most would. Most men, and almost all mistresses and wives, want a committment. It's a matter of time before he'll have choose and my guess is Ro wants to be the choice.

It's not as black and white as we all once thought it was...and that's not all bad.

If he doesn't choose soon enough , that may = a choice to Ro. if he makes the wrong choice, she'll know soon enough.

Roro, I suggest you set an internal deadline for yourself, which you can always reset,

so you know how long you can cope and compete with this. At that point, say a month or 90 days from now, check YOURSELF to see how YOUR changes and YOUR PERSONAL work are going...

are you making progress so that you are the woman you were meant to become? No matter what your H does, you CAN be that woman and frankly, you owe it to yourself to be her.

Be a woman only a fool would leave.

And at some point, set AND ENFORCE boundaries that respectful partners want and share.

Good luck


I am sorry if I got it wrong here, but I don't like how he is treating you.

Mimi

no one likes what he's doing. It's wrong. But many of us have wronged others OR have been wronged - and we're still here.

It's her choice to go in a healthy direction for as long as she can and our job to support her choice.

But Determining what that healthy direction is, takes more than some anonymous posters to know or figure out. (mimi-No offense meant) it's THE hardest part of this journey.

Roro, I hope you can get some counselling or DB coaching.

Then you can find your personal "line in the sand", and we can help you keep it safe & unviolated.

get some counselling
For your peace of mind...and for guidance and strength, which we all wish for you.

[mimivac]

I totally respect Ro for what she is doing. Although I am an anonymous poster, I am rooting for her and her M. I hope that it works out and that they are able to have a healthy and happy R. I've learned alot from this site and I'm grateful. 25, I would love to have your insight on my sitch, too.

Mimi

[25yearsmlc]

PS Roro,

make sure you want to be married to THIS MAN, AS HE IS NOW, and not that you are simply

but understandably,

fearing the loss. Sometimes "losing" is a good thing. There may be more to gain in life by letting this man go.

I only ask you this b/c things have never been great with you (from your posts.)

It's one thing to Recreate what you once had, gettting back to the loving dynamics that rewarded and comforted both of you,

and taking a bad situation and trying to create single handedly, what maybe never has been...(all that stable or happy)???

So I ask this of several people here, not just you.

Do you want THIS marriage TO THIS man, as he is...

or are you just afraid of losing?

It's not an easy question. But it's a biggie.

((( )))

[BFloat]

it's sort of amusing the OW's msgs. very insecure to be lashing out at you. being the person on the side (by her own admission) doesn't exactly make her the main woman does it?

"Everybody has to make their own decision about how to handle an A. I'm doing what I think is right to save my M at this point. This Friday or next month, I may feel different."

i couldn't agree w/ you more.

[RoRoinMD]

Wow, lots of good feedback.

25- As I said before, it's not about the fear of losing. I've had far greater losses than this in my life. I've always been a survivor, and I know either way I'll be fine. The old me would have moved on LONG ago. (P.S. - You keep asking me this. I've answered it a few times. No offense, but I'd like to move on.) Yes, we've had issues, but there were some really great times in between those. Maybe soon I'll know what my line in the sand is. Right now, honestly I'm just not sure.

I haven't been able to afford a DB counseling session so far. I have managed to save some money, so I may be able to schedule one soon. I do think it will help me.

BF - It's just too comical. Who is proud to be the other woman? And I thought my self esteem was low because of all this. LOL

[RoRoinMD]

Journaling…

Well, I guess I know what the rollercoaster feels like now. The ride I’m on now is called the Guiltness Monster. LOLOL (Lord, I have to laugh to keep from crying.)

So H picked up dinner for us last night while he was out doing last minute running around for his trip. He came home and I gave him his V-day stuff. I think he was surprised that he was getting anything. LOL And even more surprised at the stuff he got. I thought he was going to cry for a minute there. Guilt does that I guess. He hugged me tightly and just kept saying thank you so much. Btw, he read the card a second time, and turned it over like he was expecting it to say more. That did make me chuckle to myself.

So I was sitting in the living room while he was packing and getting his stuff together. He was talking on and off about the trip. How he hasn’t hung out with one of his friends that’s going in so long. How he’s going to get his BF to cut his hair tonight when he gets to his house. I really think I’m living in the Twilight Zone. He was extra talkative about the hotel they are staying in and some of the stuff he wants to do when they get there. For all I know he could not even be going to Vegas, but Mexico instead. LOL GEEZ

This is for those of us who were talking about the sexy PJs. Even though I was just doing it so I'd feel better about myself and not such a loser, someone noticed again last night. We ended up watching this show we both like: House of Lies. It’s a very good show, but I swear every 5 minutes someone is taking their clothes off. The past two times we’ve watched it, he’s brought up the fact that all the women seem to be wearing La Perla. (History: I told him a while ago that once I got down to my goal weight I was going to treat myself to a lingerie/underwear set from La Perla.) So last night we were talking about it, and I jokingly asked if he was looking at her @$$ or the lingerie. He just looked at me and we both busted out laughing. I told him I did like the bottoms she had on and had purchased something similar for myself – boy shorts. He was like really? I was like that’s what I had on last night. He just said REALLY? I told him I even got colored ones - pink. He was like you should wear more color. I told him I know, and that I planned to buy some more this weekend. LOL Said I can't wear a t-shirt to bed all the time. He just said yeah. So I take my shower, and come back through the living room to get something to drink. He’s like are those the boy shorts? I said Yep, and kept on walking. The next time I went through, he made a random comment about my butt. We started joking about it, and then he seemed to get flustered talking about it. It was funny. Gosh, I miss when we used to do that all the time. And how can we still be able to joke and have fun when everything around us is falling apart? *queue the Twilight Zone music*

Anyway, this morning more rollercoaster. In fact, my head is still spinning. After 6+ months of my husband barely touching me, we ML, which he initiated. At first I wasn’t even sure what was going on. (Boy, am I out of practice? LOL) It wasn’t awkward, which I was expecting. I’m still not sure what to think about it. I don’t regret doing it, and probably for the first time in my entire life, I do not have any expectations that it means anything. Who knows, this could be the last time for another 6 months. *shrug*

When H was leaving for work, he came and gave me a hug and a deep kiss and told me he loved me. (I did not say it first!) He also thanked me again for his V-day gifts and said he really appreciated it. I guess this was because I won't see him again until Monday.

I think I’ll be a little more relaxed with H gone for the next few days. Hopefully anyway. I’m so ready to get out of town, and have some fun. And although I’ll only be about 25 minutes from where OW lives, I will NOT go to her house with toilet paper in hand…as bad as I want to. Man, if my friends knew this, they’d be loading up the car as we speak. LOL

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=RoRoinMD]Wow, lots of good feedback.

25- As I said before, it's not about the fear of losing. I've had far greater losses than this in my life. I've always been a survivor, and I know either way I'll be fine. The old me would have moved on LONG ago. (P.S. - You keep asking me this. I've answered it a few times. No offense, but I'd like to move on.) Yes, we've had issues, but there were some really great times in between those. Maybe soon I'll know what my line in the sand is. Right now, honestly I'm just not sure.

Don't take it personally. I post to a LOT of people here and am not always sure I have asked or gotten an answer to it.

[RoRoinMD]

I know you ask lots of people here that question. LOL

I'm just not a person who likes to keep answering the same question over and over again. LOL

I really do appreciate your comments and feedback. You have definitely given me things to think about.