Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2

[sayitaintso]

I woke up to some nastygrams on Twitter from OW. Basically saying that just because I live with H, doesn't make me his main woman. I should in fact be wondering why there is someone on the side.

Wow^^^, that bitc* has some nerve. Can't believe some of these people. Glad to see you refrained and didn't respond as I don't see any benefit in it.

What are you doing for you lately? GAL'ing? Reading the past few pages I feel it would be in your best interest to consciously work on detaching more. (obviously easier said than done.)

Your state of mind and reactions seem very heavily tied to your H lately. Again easier said than done but we have to work on it as much as possible to get to a place where what they say or do does not affect us as much. (Imo)

Best!

[25yearsmlc]

that batchit crazy hosebag...does your h know you get these?

Gross...

sorry...I'lll post more later, but that gets me. How we can do this crap to other women (I'm NOT letting the spouses off with this)

but we are "co women" and we know how men make things sound. How "neglected" they feel, etc. blah blah blah...how they justify lying...(why they''ll probably repeat it with them does NOT seem to occur to many OWs)

just sad. There ought to be a sisterhood. I think I KNOW I would not date a married man--okay, unless I happened to KNOW his wife was in a coma for over 3 years or something...and even then I'd feel guilty.

sheesh...

[Grace_O]

Hey Ro,

Yep, she's nuts. Good for you not responding. Not worth an ounce of your energy.

It would be absolutely awesome if women did have a sisterhood that involved compassion etc. Oh well. Still, I like to think that there are more of us that wouldn't date a married man.

Then again, in my world unicorns eat rainbows and poop butterflies

[RoRoinMD]

I have not said anything to H. Being that he chose her (she's not even cute! UGH!), I'm not sure of the reaction I'd get or my reaction if he didn't react, you know? I'd hate to have to pop him upside the head if he didn't react how I thought he should. LOL

But gotta say, it's drastically improved my mood today. LOL Strange, but it has.

sias, I know I need to detach more. It's really hard living with him to detach. Plus, I've been sick and he's been right there. I'll be back to GALing next week. Even though I know me not being home will just give him more time to solidify their relationship over the phone and through texting. (Can you hear me gagging?)I had a life before him and I'm getting a new one now. That may or may not include him. I need to keep repeating this to myself until I really believe it. GALing is for me, but you guys can't tell me that it doesn't work to his advantage that I won't be home. This is how it started in the first place.

I also have to say that knowing he may be going to Vegas with her feels like I'm giving him permission to cheat. I guess it would be different if I didn't know what I know and if he wasn't still living at home (which I'm grateful for), but can someone tell me how I'm supposed to act like I don't know? I'm seriously having a really hard time with this one.

And then I'm wondering if I'll always think about this trip if we do R? Granted this is not by any means the only time they've met up I think, but this is really bothering me. Can someone who's dealt with infidelity longterm pipe in here?

[Brian in Hville]

Hi Ro...

Happy V-Day to you. I hate the OW did that too you but good for you in not responding!

My thoughts on infidelity are this...You can either deal with him cheating in the hopes to get him back, or it is a deal breaker. If it isn't a deal breaker, then let him do his thing for now. If you two get back together, let him know that won't EVER be accepted/put up with again. The hardest thing in the world is to let something like this happen WHILE knowing about it. You are a strong woman with really good friends. You can handle this and we are here for you. Everything you want to say to him or her, come here and say it to us.

When he leaves, go GAL like crazy. Enjoy every minute you can. Celebrate you and who you are becoming. Do something you never did but always wanted to.

Brian

[25yearsmlc]

I'd amend that only slightly Brian/Roro...


IF an A were a one night stand OR
a short term fling,

OR if I knew things were bad between us and there wasn't a surprise (like he wasn't pretending all was well when it's clearly not-like a serial cheater would)

OR like a Gaslight h would.

OR if we had separated, then it'd be much easier to cope with

than if there has been long term affair --which requires repeated, long term, lying & planned deceit.

I have no answer for you there. For me, that situation would be a deal breaker

not punitively but simply b/c I know I could not trust him again in the future...regardless.

And that lack of trust is a dealbreaker. I Could still love him and think he is a good dad (or not, depends) and co-parent,

but as a wife--a woman w/my values--

if I feel I've been fooled over time, and at times when he acted as if all was well with us,

I could not see ME being able to cope with that. He'd have to have a brain tumor or weird psycho condition that explains it AND THAT is fixed...get a CAT scan?

Sorry if this isn't what you wanted but you did ask...and hey

There is a book called "after the Affair" that I did not read but heard was helpful...

[Accuray]

I read "After the Affair", here's the TOC:

Introduction -- Can a Couple Survive Infidelity?
Stage One: Reacting to the Affair "Is What I'm Feeling Normal"
1) The Hurt Partner's Response: Buried in an Avalanche of Loss
2) The Unfaithful Partner's Response: Lost in a Labyrinth of Choices

Stage Two: Reviewing Your Options: "Should I Stay or Leave?"
3) Exploring Your Ideas About Love
4) Confronting Your Doubts and Fears

Stage Three: Recovering from the Affair: "How Do We Rebuild Our Life Together?"
5) Learning About the Affair
6) Restoring Trust
7) How to Talk About What Happened
8) Sex Again
9) Learning to Forgive

Epilogue -- Revealing the Secret: Truth and Consequences

I did find it helpful. The Recovery chapter more or less assumes a remorseful spouse who is willing to work on the marriage with you. My W wanted to skip the "work" part, so that may happen.

Accuray

[RoRoinMD]

Thanks Brian & 25 for the input.

Like I said before if it was a dealbreaker, I'd be gone by now. But...I'm not sure how long it's NOT going to be a dealbreaker. I don't know how long this has been going on. He hasn't said (or won't when asked). In the emails between them that I saw when I first found out, they were talking about it happening so fast. Now that doesn't mean anything. That could mean 6 months to some people and 2 days to others. I did not find any emails before November.

I just need to know that I've given my M everything I have. And honestly, I haven't. Not at least until after the bomb. So I can kind of understand (not really, but you get what I'm saying) how the OW came into the picture. But vows are vows, no matter how you're feeling. So I need to be true to mine right now. Whethere H is doing so or not. I've already been asked once to have a fling in the last 5 days. Believe me, I considered it. (This man is GORGEOUS!) But I know it won't get me closer to having the kind of M I want.

It's only been a month. How in the world do people do this for years? GEEZ

[Grace_O]

Ro,

Having them at home and dealing with this is really hard. You never get a break.

I get that you want to give your M everything you have. And yes, one person can change the dance. I have to say in retrospect though, the biggest obstacle I had (with regards to anger) was that not only didn't my H go to the mat for our M (for me, for our D's) he didn't even enter the gym. Find constructive ways to deal with the anger as it comes up.

Next week, when your up and about, sounds like you have a GAL plan, make sure you get to gettin'.

[RoRoinMD]

Ro,

Having them at home and dealing with this is really hard. You never get a break.

That's exactly how I feel.