I still keep going...

[Hopeful321]

KG

My H wanted the finances split a week after he walked out. I had to sell the house because I could not afford it by myself. And that did not bother one bit.

So we split the finances.

Labug is right. Do not contact him unless it's about the kids. Let him feel what it is going to be like without you. When he sends a casual text, ignore it, unless it's an emergency or wait and an hour. That's what I did to my husband. It made him curious and he started to come around more.

Now we are piecing our M back together. It took 7 months, but we are trying.

(((KG)))))

[Rick1963]

(((KG)))

Don't get a job right now. I agree with the others. See a L and show him how much he will have to pay in alimony and child support. He is in lala land. He will not have that life style until the kiddos are grown and on their own. WASs really hate math.

Try and have the best Valentines you can

[Hopeful321]

My H makes $20,000 more than I do, but I would had to pay child support to him per my lawyer. How funny is that...It wasnt much, but he was the one that walked out on us.

The reason why was because he paid the daycare and her health ins each month.

[purgatory]

(((((((KG)))))))
I came here just to wish you a happy V-Day.... But you need so much more than that right now. I'm sorry you've come to such a low point. FWIW, H and I split finances 2 weeks after the bomb (and I'm a stay at home mom with no income too.) it was scary, but it let h feel that he had some control with $$ (I've always been in charge.)

After 1 billing cycle, and after him researching child support/alimony.... He came to me in a panic wondering how he was going to pay for everything. It was a good shock to his system, to realize that he wasn't going to have more money to himself just by leaving.

I'm sorry your H can't understand that you need to devote all your energies (physical and emotional) to your family right now- and having to work full-time could be detrimental to the kids, not to mention your mental health. I'm struggling with the similar emotional battle of what I *need* to do to plan for my future vs what is *best* for my family- especially since H will be overseas for a year- and I will be the ONLY parent available.


Wrap yourself in the unconditional love from your sweet children today. You continue to be one of the strongest woman that I've 'met' on these boards and a total inspiration to me.
I'm renaming it Victory-Day for all us LBsers!!!

[BklynMom]

I think you should move forward with the division of finances. Your H is not gonna take your word for it so he just has to feel the financial pitch that he has brought on himself.

Do not go back to work full time. You describe your job as 12 hr days and that would be a great disservice to your kids right now. I think it would be good if you could work a little to show your H that you are not planning on "living off of him" (However, hellooooo he has 3 children with you, 3!!)

Could you maybe babysit for some people, under the table just to show H that you are working? I also know 2 woman in my neighborhood that have started successful schools for pre-school kids. If you can get the cash to start the business, deal with the paperwork and deal with pushy parents, it is a very successful business.

My H also has a fantasy that he can leave his kids and get a bachelor pad and magically he will be 24 again but make the salary he makes today & have no annoying expenses (like kids clothes, school, food etc...) Recently my H has started to recognize that even though he makes a good living its not enough to support two households and go on vacation to florida every other weekend.

Its so sad that they want to do this to their loving family

[imthemom]

Kg,
I know you dont want to and your afraid it is going to make things between you and your H confrontational...I felt the same way. But eventually you have to start thinking of yourself and your kids, he is not. It was one of the hardest things ive done when I signed those papers and started the process..my H wanted to handle it all threw a paralegal and settle it "amicably"...he also wanted to split everything...he makes 80 grand a year more then me and I took care of my kids (one special needs) alone.
He also started the cute little text and being really friendly..and I found out it was to get me to agree to a certain amount for support, when he found out I wouldnt it all stopped and he got ugly...started threatening 50/50...(this from a man that rarely sees his son, has never been involved as more then a part time dad and works 14 hr days.. and usually weekends) so he could pay less child support..and then threatened to quit his job and move out of state....
The man who said he would make it as easy on myself and my son as possible and who said he didnt want to be enemies has now got a L and is fighting me on a D that he wanted, not me. Even after I made an offer to him that was less then what the state required, he refused to sign and we now have to go to court.
Please talk to a L..financial stuff brings out the worst in people and you will not win with him. You are always going to be the woman who is screwing up his game plan of having a "happy life"...and your just out to get him.

[keep_going]

Hi guys,

Thank you all for your support. It means so much in times like this. Happy V Day to all!

2tp -
Thank you for your post. I am feeling much better and clearer in what I need to do. I am glad to see that my H is not unique in his behavior. Sometimes I feel like I am the one that is going crazy, lol.

LB & H321 - I completely agree with you both. I have been having as little contact as possible in the last few weeks. Still being pleasant when needed, but just not reaching out at all. But as you mention, it's hard with little kids. It wasn't until this past couple of days when I saw him reaching out that I responded... I agree - I won't be able to heal as long as he continues to be "nice." Thank you both for understanding.

I am definitely feeling better and I am clear on what I need to do next.
I am there now. I have already consulted with two separate Ls. I was hanging in there as long as I could. I knew the finances would get us here and now it's the time. I will be filing for legal separation, as painful as it is.

My L suggested asking H if he is willing to go the collaborative route (where we both agree not to go to trial). It would be less expensive than traditional litigation, IF WE CAN AGREE. Big if there, because if it doesn't work, then we need to start the process again, with new lawyers and it would end up costing double.

My only doubt is if my H will be in a mind-space that he will listen to Ls telling him what would be in the best interest of the kids. My gut tells me that he won't and our conv. last night solidifies it. Yet, I do want to give him the info and option for the collaborative route and based on his reaction to it, I will know if I should proceed that way or go straight with the traditional route.

I will draft an email tonight and post it here for feedback.

BM - Thanks for the ideas. I want my kids to stay in the same school district, so in order for me to afford the rent here, I will need to get at a part-time job that pays more than childcare costs. It will be tough, I am already looking at options. But I am not telling H this...

Rick - I am wondering if I should tell H about the exact amount just yet. I was thinking I should first see his reaction to the fact that I am ready to file and will be hiring a lawyer. OTOH, he might already know. He has always been a numbers guy and he might just be hoping I am naive. But part of me agrees with you. I am still on the fence on this...

Purg - thanks! I am sorry you are going thru similar struggles with this. I know we are both strong and we will do what is best for our children. That will give us peace of mind.

IMTM - Thank you for sharing your experience and I am sorry it went down like that for you. That is exactly what I am afraid of. So sad...


I have to go pick up the girls, but will post my email draft tonight.

thank you all again!!!

[purgatory]

Just had a quick thought about a potential job....
Not sure what your career field has been, but perhaps look into being a teacher/director of a pre-school (kinda like what BM was suggesting.) I've been a director before and it's pretty fun once you get a hang of the state regulations and all the paperwork required. The biggest benefit is that you usually get free (or discounted) childcare, at the same time you're making an income. I always enjoyed having my son at work- so I could have lunch with him if I wanted to. They usually have flexible schedules and after school care for the older kids.

I used to hire stay-at-home mom's all the time! And if you have a degree- even more qualified for a director position! I was just thinking that it might be the best of both worlds for your needs right now.

[BFloat]

the financial thing is such a headache! yes.. somehow the actual costs of raising kids becomes dust in the wind in their quest for eternal youth.

i know it's hard to think about the legalities (makes everything seem so official and final).. but i think you may be surprised at how empowering it can be to know what you're dealing with. i was very nervous but felt a tremendous sense of relief after the fact. not that i have more money than i thought.. more that.. i know what i need to do (whether i choose to work more.. or cut costs somewhere etc.)

good luck!

[BklynMom]

You never know when things will turn around. You are carrying yourself with grace and dignity and you are protecting your kids. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulder. Good for you to look for work but not tell him about.