roro, hang in there! the extra niceness can be a bit unnerving don't you think? NO THINKING (another mantra of mine) because you'll drive yourself crazy.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
I've spent the last hour tossing and turning, wondering what happened to my life? No it wasn't great all the time, but I thought it was good enough. This isn't how it's supposed to be.
Spiritually, it has shaken me to my core. I love God more than I think I ever did, but I'm still wondering what I did to deserve this?
Be strong Ro...as a survivor of this board, I can tell you that you will come out of this a much better person. You may or may not have a new R with your H, but you will be happy with yourself. This darkness is the hard part.
God loves you as well. That is why He allows bad things to happen to people. If you ever wonder if things could get worse, go read Job again!
Just keep posting to us. Describe to us (in detail) the worst tasting food you have ever had!
On your double date, make sure that you look great and act 'as if' nothing is bothering you. Let him be the one who is uncomfortable at the table- but seeing you so happy and talkative. This is also a great image to leave with your friends- so when they do find out about the stich, they will think your H is crazy to leave you because you're so much fun!!
My close friend- told me: "The only thing stronger than God's will, is the free will of man. When we aren't on the path that God has planned for us, God has to break our wills in order for His to take over." I keep reminding myself of this every time I feel out of control and questioning everything around me. I've never been a 'churchy' person, but I've always been faithful- and I've learned to lean heavily on that faith right now- especially since it's seems that I have no control over anything in my life.
Don't ask about the trip. I think that his guilt will weigh heavily on him while he's gone. You can be the bigger person and show H that you have enough self-respect to not even waste your breath mentioning OW or him- they aren't worth the effort. (then you can come to the boards and vent it all out) Hey think of this: Maybe she's a gremlin and she will reveal her true self in Sin City!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Journaling...Sorry for the long post. I needed a break from the boards this weekend. You're about to find out why.
I don’t know what this weekend turned out to be…I was really on the train to Crazytown.
So after posting here on Friday I had a meltdown. A serious one. My stepson and I were texting earlier in the day, and for some reason, it didn’t hit me until Friday afternoon that if my H and I do get a D, I will be losing my stepson too. Now my H and I haven’t been married that long, and forging a relationship with my stepson hasn’t been easy for me (just because I didn’t know how to), but I love that boy like he’s my own. So my heart was really breaking on Friday.
My H called once he got off work to see what I wanted for dinner. At that point, I had been crying for probably 45 mins. I could barely get words out. I had to hang up the phone. He calls me back and I manage to say I couldn’t talk to him. He wanted to know what was wrong. I just said I couldn’t talk to him.
And this is where the craziness begins…
I managed to pull myself together enough to take a shower. At this point it’s about 2 hours since I’ve talked to my H. I call him to get him to bring me some food, no answer. Remember I am still sick and on bed rest. So I get dressed and drive myself to get some food. As I’m pulling back up at the house, H calls me back. I explain that I just wanted some food. He asks if I drove myself. I say yes. He apologizes. He’s been at the movies because he “just needed to get out”. (That is H’s code word for I didn’t know what to expect at home, so I just avoided it all together. He used to do this a lot when we would argue). It takes him another hour or so to get home. (I’m sure he had to do his good night call to OW).
He asks me once he gets home what was wrong earlier. I said I was just upset. He tells me he didn’t know what was going on so that’s why he went to the movies. (Ha! Is that honesty for a change?)
So, here’s where I break the most important DB rule. I start a R conversation. At this point, I have to know what is going on with the Vegas trip. (I know I shouldn’t have said anything, but it was eating me alive!). So I say, “I have to ask this. Is there any chance that your mistress will be in Vegas next week?” He just looks at me and says no. I ask isn’t her b-day next week. He says he doesn’t know; he thinks the 20th. I say you claim to love this person and you don’t know when her b-day is? He finally says it’s the 20th. “So there’s no chance I will find out when you get back that she was there?” He says, “I have absolutely nothing to do with her b-day plans.” He says he and his friends have wanted to do this trip for a long time.
He seems kind of defensive about it. I say there is no need to get defensive. He says he’s not. I say it’s not like we can pretend she doesn’t exist. Then he starts texting on his phone. I think he feels guilty every time he has to talk to me about her.
He then starts looking at my SS pictures on FB. (He’s been doing that a lot. He seems sad when he does it. Is he starting to get a clue of how this will affect everybody?) I tell him that’s why I was upset earlier. Because I realized if we get D, I will lose my SS too. He tells me SS loves me. I say at least someone does.
Regardless, I’m not sure what to believe at this point. In my snooping earlier, I found a room confirmation from OW for Vegas as well as plane reservations. I couldn’t verify that the room is still reserved, but the plane tickets sure are. He is adamant that they are not staying in the same hotel and that they are flying from a completely different city. He’s supposed to send me the flight reservation so we’ll see. (Why do I even care at this point? SIGH)
I also asked him about his wedding ring. (Why not, I was on a role!) He says the other ring he was going to wear he couldn’t get over his knuckle. I ask him about the 3rd ring he used to wear. He says it will probably fit. I don’t say anything else.
Saturday was an okay day. H tore his last pair of contacts, so he was frantically trying to find somewhere to go get some more. Because I am a fixer, I’m trying so hard not to rush in and solve the problem. So I listen to him call 5 or 6 places for about 45 minutes. (H really does not do this kind of stuff well. I normally handle all appointments.) Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I could hear him getting more and more frustrated with every call. So I search and find a place. I go in and tell him they can see him immediately. I ask him how he’s getting there, being that he can only see out of one eye. He’s like I’ll be fine. I remind him that he can’t see anything without his contacts in. He says well I have one. I just give him a look. He asks me to drive him. I say only if you want me to. If you don’t want me to go, I won’t. He agrees to let me drive him.
So he gets the eye exam and is not pricing his contacts. The last time he got contacts, I paid for half of them because they are so expensive and we have medical reimbursement. Well, I was determined this time that he sees how my not coming to his rescue was going to be. (Granted it was mean, but whatever!) He negotiated with those people for the better part of an hour until he got the price down to something he could afford. I also know he is trying to save money for Vegas. (He had asked me for money for Vegas at Christmas. I gave him a gift card, and had planned on giving him more this week, but now I’ m not sure. It’s either I stick to my word and fund a trip that may include the OW, or go back on my word, which I hate doing. UGH!)
So while at the eye place, H starts feeling sick. We come home and he takes a nap. We have about 1 ½ hours before we have to meet our friends. I text them and say we’ll be there by 7 instead of 6. So I wake H up around 6:15. He just turns over. I give him another 15 minutes and try again. I know he wasn’t feeling well and ordinarily I would have been upset if he had decided to go. But this time, as he’s ironing his clothes, I ask if he still wants to go. He says he’ll go. I said that’s not what I asked, but left it alone.
We finally get to the restaurant, and the hostess says a table for 6, instead of 4. Turns out another couple who are friends of ours came too. Which I didn’t know, so I wasn’t sure how H was going to react. But he was fine. We ended up having a really good time. They knew we were both under the weather so any awkwardness will be chalked up to that. I apologized on the way out saying I didn’t know the other couple was going to be there. He said it was fine.
As I was running out of the house, I grab my H’s extra ring. I get in the car and just hand it to him. He looks at me and just puts it on. (And it’s been on every since!)
Sunday was rather uneventful. I was feeling bad, so I was in bed most of the day. H said something about stretching out and taking a nap. I said mischievously that he could always come lay down in bed with me. We go out to run some errands, and come back home. My mother gave me a home remedy that she said would help us feel better. Of course it included alcohol. So we made it last night while we watched the Grammys. And proceeded to get lit like a Christmas tree. LOL that was funny. Helped my morning today go VERY well. LOL
Anyway, I think the weekend was salvaged overall. The intimacy is still there, although still no ML. Is it possible he thinks he’s cheating on the OW by ML to me? Just the thought makes my blood boil. But we’ve still being doing everything but that. He’s even started doing things he did when were just dating, like bringing me warm washcloths afterwards. (I was so surprised by this. He just started doing it a couple of days ago. I'm not even sure he realizes it.)
So that’s my saga. I think I’m somewhat back to normal mentally and emotionally today. Hopefully anyway. I’m still not 100% on the health scale, and I’m sure the stress of all is adding to it.
Don’t swing the 2x4s too hard!
P.S. Shout out to Brian (and his girlfriend) for keeping me company with Words With Friends! It really helped!
Sorry you had to go through that this weekend. We were thinking about you (I was telling her about your sitch).
No 2 x 4's as you know what you did. Just move on from here. NO MORE MENTIONING VEGAS!!! Again, just concentrate on you. Do you want him to see the person you WANT to be or the person that you were? I know I probably sound like a broken record to you...But it is SO important in this process.
Just know we all love you on this board. You are in our prayers.
Yes, Brian won the first game. But there is a rematch in progress!
I did feel like I was slipping back into being someone I didn't like this weekend. So I was trying to focus on being happy and upbeat on Saturday and Sunday. It worked for the most part.
H just sent me a check-in email. I was determined not to send one. Its so hard!
Btw - For those of you who got medication for your anxiety, did you talk to your regular doctor or a specialist? I think it's about time I got help for mine.
RoRo, wow what an emotional weekend you've had. Don't feel bad. You've had an enormous amount to deal with lately and I can see how you just couldn't hold it in anymore. I admire you for not spilling the beans on the flight information you saw. It's obvious that your H feels a lot of guilt. Don't let him off the hook by fighting so that he feels justly "punished" and relieved of his guilty feelings. Being sick doesn't help either, because it promotes sitting around and endlessly thinking about the sitch. And we all know where that leads -- nowhere good.
I echo what others have said. No more talk about the Vegas trip. Try to put it out of your mind (easier said than done, I know). No more interpreting what H means when he's nice to you. I do think that being nice and doing things for you is a positive and you could view it like that. But try not to have expectations as to where it will lead. Until he says straight out that he wants to reconcile, his actions are not necessarily indicative of that. Emotionally, he could be anywhere: guilty, sad, confused, scared, etc. Let him work that out on his own. You have nothing to do with that. I have gotten caught in over-interpreting my H's actions as an indication that he is thinking of reconciliation -- he wasn't and in fact hadn't changed his mind at all. Now, I try to see our positive interaction as good steps, but nothing more. Expectations without a clear verbal intention to get back together lead to disappointment.
Just keep on GALing!
PS. I doubt very much that he will ever send you that flight information if it has the OW's name on it. He is still in lie and hide mode. Hang in there.
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Btw - For those of you who got medication for your anxiety, did you talk to your regular doctor or a specialist? I think it's about time I got help for mine.
Your regular doctor can help with that. I have anxiety medication for flying and took some during my cancer treatment when I was just too overwhelmed. I've had to take one or two since my whole sitch started, too. I think it can definitely help in situations when you truly cannot soothe yourself. It also helps just to know that it's there, even if you don't take them very often. Good luck
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
