Oops. ... and false claims? Trying to find 180's and good attitudes? I feel like I'm missing something and I can't put my finger on it. Especially when the desire to try to reason our way through this is so strong.
Oops. ... and false claims? Trying to find 180's and good attitudes? I feel like I'm missing something and I can't put my finger on it. Especially when the desire to try to reason our way through this is so strong.
Sorry everyone for the multiple posts, i was posting from my phone and didn't realize it was doing that.
Thanks a bunch oneeleven. Any distraction is good. So last night the kids and I streamed a movie and had some popcorn. We had fun, and my W spent the entire time in her room packing for the trip or in the office on her PC working on something. Whatever.
My DB coach is a genius. The soft confrontation seems to have worked. Last night after the movie and the kids were in bed, she came down and sat down in the living room and apologized to me, she said twice that she was sorry for how things had shaped up over the weekend. She was very soft about it and not accusing or mean like her text messages had been when she first saw the info I'd left. I'm so glad I wasn't here and also glad that I didn't jump on the confrontation right away without talking it through. However her apology was immediately followed by "I know you have copies of the stuff you showed me, and I don't know what your plans are but I just hope that you think of the ramifications of showing to people, it wont help anyone" So in one my biggest 180's ever, i didn't say a word. I just sat there looking at her and waited. That's when the second apology came. So is she sorry she did it, or sorry she got caught. Well she drove there anyway today, so I guess I have my answer. After that part of the conversation she said "I hope you know I'm not trying to hurt you" Again I stayed quiet, but I literally had to squeeze my lips tightly to not just explode. Then she changed the subject. The odd thing is that we did end up having a very nice conversation after that point. Talked about several things both R related and not. When I woke up this morning, I was sad again. Having that reach on her part makes me want to reach back so hard, but I know it's not going to work, but it's really hard to 180 and not begin to try to reason with her. She did come up on her way out this morning and find me (I was trying really hard to stay away, didn't really want to be there when she said goodbye, know where she's going, I was afraid i might just breakdown and beg her not to go). When she did, i was laying on our bed with the door mostly closed and she came in and stood right next to me. She said she was leaving and in another 180, I just kind of rolled up on one side, looked at her and said O.K. She was just looking at me and I actually didn't know what that look was on her face - hurt, anger, I really couldn't tell, which is odd. So I asked her if she wanted a hug or something. She turned and said "I don't know" as she walked out the door. Maybe I should have left her go like that, but I got up went downstairs and as she gathered her final things and headed to the door, i gave her a hug, reminded her of the regret I have for my mistakes, she smiled, said she knew, then I said good by and told her to be careful on the roads. In retrospect, I think I was probably reaching too hard, and why am I still apologizing for my mistakes, while still in the shadows of confirming her affair. This is really confusing sometimes. So the next couple of days should be good with just me and the kids. But after that, when she comes home, do I just forget about the affair for now, continue to DB, and continue the work on myself, GAL, etc?
My DB coach is a genius. The soft confrontation seems to have worked. Last night after the movie and the kids were in bed, she came down and sat down in the living room and apologized to me, she said twice that she was sorry for how things had shaped up over the weekend.
She was very soft about it and not accusing or mean like her text messages had been when she first saw the info I'd left. I'm so glad I wasn't here and also glad that I didn't jump on the confrontation right away without talking it through.
However her apology was immediately followed by "I know you have copies of the stuff you showed me, and I don't know what your plans are but I just hope that you think of the ramifications of showing to people, it wont help anyone" So in one my biggest 180's ever, i didn't say a word. I just sat there looking at her and waited. That's when the second apology came. So is she sorry she did it, or sorry she got caught.
Well she drove there anyway today, so I guess I have my answer.
After that part of the conversation she said "I hope you know I'm not trying to hurt you" Again I stayed quiet, but I literally had to squeeze my lips tightly to not just explode. Then she changed the subject. The odd thing is that we did end up having a very nice conversation after that point. Talked about several things both R related and not.
When I woke up this morning, I was sad again. Having that reach on her part makes me want to reach back so hard, but I know it's not going to work, but it's really hard to 180 and not begin to try to reason with her.
She did come up on her way out this morning and find me (I was trying really hard to stay away, didn't really want to be there when she said goodbye, know where she's going, I was afraid i might just breakdown and beg her not to go). When she did, i was laying on our bed with the door mostly closed and she came in and stood right next to me. She said she was leaving and in another 180, I just kind of rolled up on one side, looked at her and said O.K. She was just looking at me and I actually didn't know what that look was on her face - hurt, anger, I really couldn't tell, which is odd. So I asked her if she wanted a hug or something. She turned and said "I don't know" as she walked out the door.
Maybe I should have left her go like that, but I got up went downstairs and as she gathered her final things and headed to the door, i gave her a hug, reminded her of the regret I have for my mistakes, she smiled, said she knew, then I said good bye and told her to be careful on the roads.
In retrospect, I think I was probably reaching too hard, and why am I still apologizing for my mistakes, while still in the shadows of confirming her affair. This is really confusing sometimes. So the next couple of days should be good with just me and the kids. But after that, when she comes home, do I just forget about the affair for now, continue to DB, and continue the work on myself, GAL, etc?
On a side note, I realize this likely isn't DB'ing. But what are peoples thoughts about contacting the OM (or OW) and requesting, nicely of course, that they back off. Let them know there is a person, family they are messing with?
