Working on LRT to Something else???

[Grmpy_Mnky]

I met with a L for the first time yesterdy. I had a boat-load of trepidation before the consultation. I left feeling very good. He did not charge me a dime and W has no idea I did this.

Keep looking for a free consult. You will be glad you did this. BTW - I totally understand why you are hesitant, I was there too.

[ces67]

Thanks 2TP. I wasn't planning to involve my W in the lawyer discussions. I guess I was thinking that to force any type of arrangement of money could result in some type of legal process. Maybe not.

This feels like a no-win situation. If I do something to manage the money, I drive a deeper wedge in our relationship. If I don't do anything our finances get worse.

Maybe that's how I'll explain it to my W. Neither prospect is good but I can honestly say that my action is not trying to make our M worse but actually trying to remove other stresses that continue to plague us.

I'm already thinking its going to be a bad weekend and I need to not think that way. Thanks for all the suggestions.

[labug]

Did you check with you EAP?

If your W is spending money that belongs to both of you irresponsibly and you try to protect yourself and your children, that's setting a boundary. Those who are used to busting boundaries usually don't like them but that's their problem.

[ces67]

For you labug!!

"So do what you think is best and let your [W] deal with [her]own emotions. Its all you can do." (message to myself!)

[ces67]

Did you check with you EAP?

I did check our EAP website. It only offered articles and links to state specific info. Somewhat helpful but no referral info to a lawyer that I coud see. I'll keep checking though. Thanks for staying on me.

[ces67]

quick journal entry:

Had to work late tonight & got home about 11pm. Found out both kids were spending the night at friend's houses. W was upstairs watching a movie (laptop close by as always). We exchanged a few general pleasantries and then I said good night as I am exhausted.

Its just a bit sad that this is the first night in maybe a year that the 2 of us are alone in the house for an evening. I wanted to bad to talk to her and figure things out. But I held back. It needs to be when she wants to. Hopefully that day will be soon.

[ces67]

I'm really trying to be calm. W finished the picture collage. I was trying to be positive that I made the frame at all.

But I just noticed that she put a picture of the OM in there too!!!!! Its a picture of Him in a pool with my D, his D and 2 other girls my D use to danced with.

Really? She has the nerve to post his picture in our house so I have to look at it? Ok, this just seems like a new level of heartless.

Do I say something? Don't I have the right to not have this guy's picture in my house?

[ces67]

OK, W is sick with fever & other messy stuff. Not bringing it up tonight. I may wait until I get back. That way its not me laying into a difficult topic and then running away.

Also for some reason I'm kind of at a peace with it. Not completely but I'm certainly not traumatized like I was when I found the other pic of her & him.

Also, this OM's wife is coming in 2 weeks for a visit just by herself. What gives with this? She talks to this lady EVERY day and still holds a thing for her husband? I just don't get it.

But the good news is. I don't have to get it. I can just live my life.

[2thepoint]

I'm really trying to be calm. W finished the picture collage. I was trying to be positive that I made the frame at all.

But I just noticed that she put a picture of the OM in there too!!!!! Its a picture of Him in a pool with my D, his D and 2 other girls my D use to danced with.

Really? She has the nerve to post his picture in our house so I have to look at it? Ok, this just seems like a new level of heartless.

Do I say something? Don't I have the right to not have this guy's picture in my house?

Hey CES, does your W know you know about the OM? Are you positive there is a R with the OM?

If the answer is yes, then here is my opinion.. and it is only my opinion.

You need to set a boundary. In a calm, non-confrontational way, explain to your W that it is offensive to you to have a picture of the OM in the house that you two share. That you find it upsetting to have to look at it every day and that you'd like her to please remove the picture of the OM from the collage.

If she refuses, then you need to be prepared for that and know what your next move will be.

What do you think might be your next move if things don't play out as you would want them to?

"But the good news is. I don't have to get it. I can just live my life."

That is correct. Just live your life!!

[ces67]

Thanks 2TP, there was definitely an EA. I found notes my W had hidden (back in my snooping days). The notes listed dates they had texted back and forth, and also chat sessions. The notes start with "locking eyes" right before my family moved her (I'd already moved for my job). The chats & texts lasted for a couple months then it wrapped up with something about a blow up, and not contacting the other for a very long time. Not sure if the OM said it or my W.

Then this past October I found a picture she had hidden of the two of them. It was printed in black and white on printer paper so it wasn't an actual photograph. She must have printed it from online somewhere.

I confronted her about that. She said it was only an old infatuation and that she knew the "grass wasn't greener". Then she went on to tell me how self I am and how awful her life has been with me. It was one of the few times I've ever really lost my temper. I actually yelled and told her to stop talking. It was a very bad night. Also, she was sick when I confronted her so that wasn't too nice of me. But I actually kept very calm when I brought it up. I didn't loose it until she started going off telling me how selfish I was.

Since then I have pulled back been found the DB book. I've seen some good things (listed at beginning of post).

But seeing that she openly put this guys picture up in our house and its hanging right as I go into the bedroom (that she no longer chooses to share with me).


I agree with your boundaries. She is sick again tonight so I don't plan to repeat that episode. I leave on Monday to go see my mom and go to her doctor appointment. Rather than bring it up and then run off, I'm going to wait until I get back.

This OM's wife is coming for a visit the week of the 20th. I can hardly believe she has a picture of her "best friend" husband by himself (not with his wife) in a collage of pictures that have only our kids and her "girl friends" (and of course the token family picture).

Is a boundary I will set. and I will mention the perception could give her friend while she's here.

Oh yeah, and I get to tell her about not paying her credit card for her. fun fun. Something tells me these conversations will not "make the path home smooth" but I truly feel they need to happen.

I will not force or require her to do anything. I will only tell her how the picture makes me feel and that I am unable to pay her credit card debts for her. Then I will do my best not to let it escalate.

At this point my marriage is only a facade so maybe things need to be shaken up a bit.