My situation is essentially posted in this thread however I've been posting under MLC when I thought the readers/resposes of that group my have some specific insight into what appears to be my issues.
But I've also noticed that this form often has more viewing and more activity than that one. I think that my most recent post there on kids might have good responses from this group as well.
Advice on either my post or my forum question is greatly appreciated.
FYI it's best to stay on one thread so we can be informed and advise accordingly. Otherwise you'll leave something out of one thread or you'll get repetitive advice...
it's easier for us to follow your story and advise, in other words.
FWIW, I don't think your w's in a MLC, nor would my advice to you be different even if it she is...
I will post a note from a WAW to her h in a bit.
Parts of it may not apply. YOU will have to assess that.
But it's to her h, after HE SAYS he has changed.
He can't grasp why she doesn't just give up the OM and reconcile... it may help you understand your w's views, even if you don't agree with them...
Hang in there.
Here is the post I mentioned---
FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….
"When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments.
I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than.
I even got chills when she talked about the FB issues, because I've been there and done that, bought the t-shirt Of course, my H went a step further and cheated, then left, adding an extra crunchy layer of goodness to my sitch.
One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H. Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes.
So, I can see where your W is coming from. When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your Spouse - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, [about the changes lasting or her feelings of rejection/pain] I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.
Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time. And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.
Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope. You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail.
You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality. And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to win.
Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win.
Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell."
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M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks 25. Yes some of this applies. It's been a weird year going from the best summer over to this in a very short amount of time. But I know the feelings she has, those which I helped to foster have been building much much longer. I get it wont happen overnight. I'm realizing I never really knew what the true meaning of patience is. Especially with backslides like this one. Seems like one step forward three steps back.
I've had a breakthrough in the last couple of weeks and have a confession i'd like to share here first before doing anything more .
I have control issues. I'm a fixer. I have to offer help when it isn't requested. Or make suggestions to ideas when proposed when that was not the reason for them being told to me. I do it to everyone, but I do it mostly to my wife. Over the years when she had the courage to call me on it I would hide behind saying "I'm only trying to help". While I thought so at the time I wasn't giving any consideration to her feelings, the reason she was telling me. Or even, worse blaming her with the "they're you feelings" routine and not taking any responsibilty for myself. I feel horrible. The pain in my heart the came about as this all came into perspective is almost unbearable. She tried to tell me off and on over the years and I didn't listen. I'm sure my doing this made her feel stupid, inadequate, not good enough and who knows what else, I was insensitive to her pleas and thinking of it now tears me up. I do not want to be that man. Even in the few days since I came to this, I've been in situations with others where I began to say or do something and it dawned on me I was about to do it. It was a horrible feeling understanding how that has been a part of me and how many people I must have made feel poorly. I am so sorry.
Any suggestions from moving on from here would be great. Do I even bother sharing this with my W? At this point do these things really matter to anyone but me? They're my issues and i need to grow from them, but it does feel like i owe her an apology after so many years of doing this to her.
SH... read your post from last night. You said, "... in the few days since I came to this, I've been in situations with others where I began to say or do something and it dawned on me I was about to do it."
You are, in fact, changing that in you. Congratulations!
What would you be doing if you gave the apology? Hint... think... "more of the same"...
Here's a suggestion. Get a piece of paper. On it... write all the things you want to apologize for. Point form is fine. Update it as necessary. Keep it handy and keep it private... Then... IF you ever right "that" letter to your W... you are half way there...
I'm still a newbie myself, but our sitchs have some commonality. My advice (having made the mistake just last week)is to leave her be and detach. It is incredibly challenging to do this, however it is required for both the healing process for her and more importantly, for you to forgive yourself and start making head-way out of the emotional morasse.
I so need spell check...
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
Thanks guys. What an interesting journey. The pain associated with her decision, thinking about the kids, and now the pain of my own soul searching - all while trying to detach, move on and GAL. It's almost unbearable some days. I'm surprised I even am able to get out of bed.
I get the point of more of the same and so want to be carefule here. Things are pretty cold right now and the only real communication happens while the kids are around. But of all of the things I've apologized for to her over our history together this seems like a truly important one. For now, I'm trying to draft my feelings, but the urge to tell her is quite strong.
Help. I'm really getting pressured about the paper work. She says that i'm doing nothing and have my head in the sand. Even though I told her I've been doing plenty, just not what she's doing. It's making her angry and she says she's just going to go ahead and file without me. I don't know what to do. I have glimpses of her parenting plan from her discussions and know that she wants to take them away and have me move closer to where she wants to go so that i can have them 50% of the time. I don't want to move, I want to keep them in school here, and I want to have custody of them if she plans on moving away. I'm at a loss, lawyer says I should just sit back and wait to see what she's going to do, but it seems to be causing a lot of anger. Not sure how to handle this, anyone have some good ideas?
