WHG: Chasing that rabbit with the pocketwatch

[workinghardguy]

Well, she won't be alone, she'll be at work. Actually, by the time she gets home from work the kids will have been fed, homework done, and asleep in bed, so it will be a pretty smooth gig for her. Though as soon as I depart she will be alone in the house without the kids up and around. We're still trying to figure out if the kids will sleep at my house those night or her house... some of them are my nights with S, some are hers. That part is still a little fuzzy.

But a great point about her and her XH. They see each other for 30 seconds once every two weeks. They can barely be civil on the phone and never via text message. I actually feel bad for SS and SD because they're going to see me, who isn't anything other than a guy who really cares about them, doing my best to spend time with them and actually doing it... probably 3x-4x as much as their real dad does. I have to think that will make them question the R they have with their dad, but I'd rather have that than have them feel abandoned by two dads.

Woke up this morning feeling horrible. My brain switched on early and was projecting what it's going to be like the first time I drop S off at W's new house and I go to leave. But then I reminded myself that my brain had also created this cut scene of what it would be like when we broke the news to the kids and it was nothing remotely like that. So I was able to shut myself down, though no going back to sleep after that.

I know my brain triggered that because last night right before I went to sleep my W came upstairs to ask me a question. She asked if I was still going away for my volunteer weekend on the weekend she is moving. Went along this line...
W: So you still doing your <volunteer group> weekend the weekend I'm moving?
Me: Nope.
W: Oh? So you're going to be around.
Me: Nope.
W: Oh. Where will you be?
Me: I promised myself that the weekend you moved out I was going to take S somewhere fun. So that's what I'm doing, we're going somewhere fun.
W: But where will you be?
Me: I don't know yet... but it will be out of town and overnight.
W: Oh. So you won't be around to help then? (said with a negative tone)
Me: Nope. I've said that while I know you need to move out that I'm not actually going to move your stuff for you.
W: So it's just me and <her step-dad>?
Me: I don't know... whomever you've got coming to help. We'll be gone from Friday to Sunday so you've got the whole weekend.
W: Well, I don't have anyone to help. It's not something you ask friends to help you with. Fine. (turns, huffs, and goes downstairs).

And just as a show of what is still wrong in my head... I still wanted to go fix it. To tell her I'll see if my mom can watch S while I help her move. What is wrong with me? I didn't do it of course... but man did I want to. It passed after a few minutes, but it was still my first reaction.

[labug]

But you recognize you "fix-it" tendencies now and aren't fixing it.

[oldtimer]

Cut the verbosity, the "message sending", and the sullenness:

W: So you still doing your <volunteer group> weekend the weekend I'm moving?
Me: Nope.
W: Oh? So you're going to be around.
Me: No, S and I are having a big fun weekend out of town, not sure where yet, I'll be sure to let you know, but we'll be out of town from Friday to Sunay.
W: Oh. So you won't be around to help then? (said with a negative tone)
Me: Right.
W: So it's just me and <her step-dad>?
Me: That will be a lot of work!
W: Well, I don't have anyone to help. It's not something you ask friends to help you with. Fine. (turns, huffs, and goes downstairs).

As for the childcare stuff, I'd strongly urge you to do it in your house. You do NOT need to be in her space, worrying about respecting her stuff, her rules, checking for evidence of her personal life, etc... Parent in your own home.

[workinghardguy]

Thanks Gabby... No, I won't help her. Partly because I said I wouldn't and to go back on that would make me appear weak (which would be accurate because I would be!). Partly because I don't think I could handle the emotion of actually doing it... not without breaking down. And partly because I'm going to take my S to the Wisconsin Dells to a waterpark... I LOVE waterparks and so does he, so if I had to choose between lugging furniture and going on waterslides... well, no brainer!

And even then she doesn't need to know the exact location and times.

Yep, and this is why I didn't tell her what I was even thinking of doing. It will truly be my first "weekend" where we are living apart. I owe her nothing on those weekends other than to pick S up on time from school and have him to school on-time on Monday morning. If we travel out of state I'll tell her. If we're going out of the country I'll tell her... but otherwise it's my life. She opted out.

[workinghardguy]

@OT... I do plan to parent at my house 90% of the time I'd say. Realistically we will be here until 8:30 or so then would head over to her house to put the kids to bed. By the time I get the little ones down and then get SS shepherded to bed it will be the time she arrives home from work.

For a while I had entertained the idea of doing it at her house, but a) seeing her personal life for hours on end is not something I want to deal with and b) the perception that I might be doing it with all the time on my hands wouldn't be good.

We had discussed having me stay over there if she worked night shifts, but I said no... I don't want to sleep at her house. Any overnights and the kids can stay with me at my place.

As far as the message sending... You're right of course. I'm just growing so very tired of her trying to guilt me into doing things that we've already agreed were hard boundaries. Money for rent, money for appliances, certain house items, now moving help... We agree and then when that isn't working in her favor she knows the buttons to push to get me to react. But now when those buttons don't work she gets angry and pissy with me. I understand the reaction... I just don't appreciate it,

[2thepoint]

WHG - I now you know this. Now more than ever is the time for you to detach as much as possible. Let your W go free. Be as loving about it as you possibly can. When she grows weary she will reach out to you.

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... been a good weekend overall I guess. 2TP, I think I'm doing good in the detaching angle. I know I post stuff here, but it's pretty small in the great river of stuff I just don't worry about anymore.

One of those actually caused a little conflict on Friday... not that conflict is bad, but it was instructive. My S had his first wrestling tournament Friday night, and I was taking him. My W had a girls night out party to go to and had to sign the lease on the rental house, so I never even assumed she'd come to the tournament. I suppose, in hindsight, it was a bit judgmental to assume a child's mother wouldn't make it to her son's first-ever wrestling tournament... but I didn't mean it to be. I just know that I can control me and so I knew I would be there and only promised my S that I would be there. I also reached out to my mom, my niece, and my FIL to be there so he had a good cheering section (my FIL is a youth wrestling addict). I figured if my W wanted to be there she would be, or not, but up to her.

Well, Friday after lunch I get a text from my W telling me she's running late, tired, and has a headache. She needs a nap and if she doesn't take one she'll never be in shape for the girls' party. She says that she wants to make the tournament but won't be able to because there just won't be time between getting home, signing the lease, taking a nap, etc... I texted her back a thanks for letting me know and that S hadn't planned on her being there because I hadn't told him she would be. That apparently pissed her off... the part where I didn't tell him she'd be there.

Then again... she wasn't there... so glad I went that route. But I went that route not because I doubted my W, but because I didn't really think about whether she'd be there or not. There was also a great object lesson in the wrestling match for me. No bones about it my S got crushed at the match. He ended up wrestling a kid bigger than him (where they found a kindergartner bigger than 72 pounds is a wonder to me) who is going through kindergarten a second time. His opponent has been wrestling for two years, my son for three practices. So yes... my S got absolutely dominated. But you know what? He never quit. He got up every time and went right back after that kid. No hesitation, no fear. He even got hurt once, but still got up and went right back at it. Gave me something to think about.

Overall the rest of the weekend was good. SS came to our squadron meeting and decided to join our youth group. He's super excited... we spent a few hours together Saturday afternoon as I taught him how to shine combat boots I'm very happy he's joining.

Took the kids to a pottery store where they each painted a pottery piece, with my help, for their rooms in the rental house. I wanted them to have something for their rooms and something to remember me by when they're there.

Today was church with my S. When we got home my MIL was visiting. W took her over to see the rental house. After they got back W took a nap while MIL visited the kids. Then MIL went to leave and gave me a huge hug. She told me "I'm so sorry for your troubles... I just wish I knew what [W] was doing." This mirrors the convo my FIL had with me, asking me what my W was thinking and why she was doing what she is doing. But at least my FIL didn't end up crying on my shoulder like my MIL did.

To close off this post... three notable items. First, last night W came and asked me if we could talk. I almost told her no, but something in her demeanor made me change my mind. She starts telling me this story from work about being hit on by a patient/employee and how it made her feel. How she's afraid of retaliation from shutting him down. Early in the convo I was doing what I always do... making jokes to ease the tension, but then realized I wasn't validating or listening (you can't listen and come up with one-liners). So I forced myself to be present. At one point I told her "That sounds really horrible" after she talked about her second encounter with him. She looked at me with these eyes of incredible relief... she says "oh my god it was!", sits down next to me, and just unloads about how she felt and still feels.

I know... I'm not her listening board anymore. But to be honest it felt almost like... an audition? a test? a tryout? I don't know... but the reaction I got when I showed I was listening and did care was something I haven't seem from my W in a very long time.

Second item... W got up from her nap today and came in the kitchen. I was looking grumpy and unhappy, she asked what was wrong. I simply told her I had a terrible headache (which was true) and felt like hell. It was one of those headaches complete with auras and flashes. She disappears and a minute later shows up with one of her anti-migrane pills and some other pain meds. She tells me to take them. To fully get this you have to realize that she treats her migrane meds like golden dubloons.

Last thing was less uplifting... S was drawing a picture tonight. He showed it to me and it had a character with a sad face. I asked him to tell me about the picture... he tells me he's the person with the sad face and then points at the car in the drawing. He's sad because mommy is driving away in her car from our house. So that broke my heart into little pieces. I gave him a big hug and said that we will all be ok and make this work together.

So in closing things are what they are. W is packing... that's hard to watch. She's also stressing out as time ticks by... that's her problem. Just trying to enjoy the days with my kids and we'll deal with the next phase when we get to it.

[Mach1]

I texted her back a thanks for letting me know and that S hadn't planned on her being there because I hadn't told him she would be. That apparently pissed her off... the part where I didn't tell him she'd be there.

Easy on the guilt....

That one of those "see, I told ya so" moments that can paint you into a corner.

A simple "Thank You for letting us know" , would have worked a lot better.

He never quit. He got up every time and went right back after that kid. No hesitation, no fear. He even got hurt once, but still got up and went right back at it. Gave me something to think about.

Man, what a way to live your life huh ?


What did it make you think about ?

I know... I'm not her listening board anymore. But to be honest it felt almost like... an audition? a test? a tryout? I don't know... but the reaction I got when I showed I was listening and did care was something I haven't seem from my W in a very long time.

Can you remember when that stopped ? I mean before, when that stooped and life took you over ?


I really like the way you have been listening and validating her lately.

I really like the way you realized midstream, that you weren't , and started.


One thing that I hear on my "angel" shoulder now, is a saying that I was given by a friend early on.

I hear it when I may not feel my best, or when I may WANT to talk more than listen.

Seek to understand, then you will be understood

[labug]

gm, I had the same thought.

[workinghardguy]

@ GM and LA... it's the best thing to watch! It's so damn cute... they're so serious and focused

@Mach... I absolutely took the metaphor of my S's effort and internalized it. No matter what he didn't quit. And at the end of the tournament all the little kids got a medal, no matter how they did. My S decided that he got a medal "because I was so brave". It's all about getting up off the mat, no matter how many times you go down and how hopeless it may look. You only lose when you refuse to get up off the mat.

Easy on the guilt....

I know... Ironically enough it wasn't intended to trigger guilt. I don't want to post the whole text convo, but essentially I was trying to say that I hadn't told S that she was or wasn't coming. So he wasn't going to be heartbroken because he was counting on her and now she wasn't coming. But that's not how it came off entirely I don't think.

A short journal update... last night W asked me if I would write up the document for the court petitioning for more CS from her XH. I politely told her I had a bunch of things I had to get done for some of my GAL stuff and didn't have the time. She ended up writing it herself into the wee hours this morning. Then emailed it to me with a nice note asking that if I had the time she would really appreciate a second set of eyes and acknowledging that she would understand if I didn't want to help. I'll review it... the increased income is good for her and good for the kids.

The last few days have felt like way before things started to fall apart around here. My W has been so open and communicative with me. It's been hard to find a way to try and not communicate too much with her, yet not seem like angry/butthurt guy. It's a weird line to have to walk.

One thing I'm concerned about though is that W tonight told me she was weaning herself off of her AD Rx. She's been on Wellbutrin since last August. Ostensibly she started taking it to quit smoking. She also took it to stabilize her mood and help her with her depression. Now she's choosing to stop it. I don't know why and didn't ask... it just came in a short convo as she was leaving the house. I can't fathom why now of all times she would choose to change her med routine and an AD of all things.

So I'm worried about that. I know I can't control it or anything... and she'll have to deal, but my experience is that we all get to deal with it at the same time. I've never felt Wellbutrin was the right AD... but it's better than nothing. Guess we'll see how that comes out...