Punkin, You raised a valid question...in many instances, they don't hate us. My xh would never come into the house when I was here. He would put stuff in the mailbox and drive away. I do think that at the time they are exiting from the relationship, they feel suffocated and hate the situation that they are in. They resent us, but I do not think that they hate us as people. They hate the fact that we are connected to what they think is an awful situation (by extension). If they truly hated us, they wouldn't come up with the "let's be friends" statement at a later time.
Punkin, there is absolutely no excuse in this world for what they've done to us, mlc or not. Normal, rational people would not be saying they haven't been happy for a year, two years, etc. I firmly believe that if our marriages were such a mess and unhappy, all of us would have walked a very, very long time ago. So, with that being said, it's not you, it's him and his need to grow up. You did the best that you could w/what you had to work with. None of us are mind readers or have crystal balls. They did not sit down and talk to us about their feelings until it was too late and they already had a foot out the door.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
By the time my H talked to me he already was 'gone'. He had re-met the ow 2 weeks before and he'd made up his mind. He told me he'd just realized how unhappy he was during the previous 3 months. Next thing I knew he was telling me he'd been unhappy for years.
Snodderly is right, so many of H's excuses and justifications for what he'd done were irrational. They weren't consistent with the man I had been married to for 27+ years. It was not just I who had noticed. Family, friends and acquaintances said the same thing. Who is this guy?
The strange thing about all this is that H isn't any happier now, and maybe even less happy than when we were together. Will he ever connect the dots? Who knows? His miserable life according to something he said a year ago, is still all my fault. Maybe some day he'll deal with the issues that are truly causing his unhappiness.
Punkin, none of our marriages were perfect, but I truly doubt that people who seek out boards of this nature trying to find ways to save their marriages ever deserved what happened to our Rs. People that don't love and care deeply for their spouses don't bother trying to find answers. Don't care about recognizing and owning their part in the breakdown and certainly don't go about trying to fix those things they don't like about themselves.
I made some serious self realizations about me and my shortcomings. Some of those things are fixed and some are still a work in progress. I strive to be the best me I can be everyday. Some days I fall short. I am human and I've forgiven myself. In doing so, I've forgiven H. I truly hope he finds what he desperately seeks.
Punkin, as Snodderly said, you did the best you could with what you had to work with. You did nothing to your H out of malice or harm, but out of love and concern. Forgive yourself...
You are an incredible woman, filled with compassion and insight beyond what I think you recognize.
I agree with Snodderly in that while they hate the situation (and us by association), I don't think they truly hate us. At least not after the anger begins to subside.
Your H, I wouldn't be surprised if that isn't beginning to happen with him. At least a bit. And yes, this is when the guilt begins to set in. My X, couldn't talk to me for the longest time. When he finally did, and opened up about OW, he looked for me to be ok with it, for it to be ok for him. Later, the anger returned briefly. Such is the cycle for them.
Punkin,
I agree with SA and Snodderly...
You are correct in that a D doesn't happen by itself, we all do have our own role in it.
Sometimes that role is simply in realizing that we have to let go. Knowing that we have done everything we could to try to repair our end of the damage.
Forgivness truly is a gift we give ourselves.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I need some advice on something that admittedly is bothering me. It concerns me most in relation to our children
I have mentioned before how my H goes to great lengths to not even look at me. Well it was never more evident than yesterday.
My H is part of a group of veterans that when asked, attend the funerals of veterans or fallen active military and stand guard outside making sure all is kept respectful.
Yesterday, H's group was asked to stand guard of an elderly veteran in my town. I happen to work with two of this man's children. So, yes, I intended to go pay my respects.
Before H had to be there he called up D13, and asked if she'd like to stand with him and the other guards outside the funeral home. D wanting to spend time with her Dad said, yes. Not sure why H wanted her there with him, but have my thoughts...
I had decided to go near the end of the first set of visiting hours. Figured the crowd would have thinned by then. When I was getting ready D texted me and asked if I would bring her a sweatshirt because she had gotten cold.
I got ready, (lookin good, lol) grabbed D's sweatshirt and went to the funeral home. D saw me coming up the street with her sweatshirt, broke line and ran to meet me. She was so glad to see me and hugged me, she really was cold. She took her sweatshirt, put it on and ran back to the line and stood next to her Dad. H was standing at the end of the line of guards. H stood there stoic, he did not even glance at me or acknowledge me in any way, not even a smile. I went ahead and walked through the line and the other men smiled and greeted me. H was the same way when I came back out.
Remember, D13 is there taking all this in. She questioned me later as to why her Daddy wouldn't even look at me. I really didn't know what to tell her because I'm really not sure why myself.
My question is, do I say something to H about it or do I let this go, too? (I'm not DBing any more. Obviously, it didn't save my marriage, but it did save me to which I'm very grateful for and also to those on this board who were with me through my darkest days, and still walk beside me.)I just don't get it. After all this time, with H getting what he wanted, why can't he be civil when he sees me out? I do not bother H unnecessarily in any way. I have let go. H is generally very civil in emails, sometimes friendly and joking. Why must it be so awkward in public? We spent 27+ years of our lives together, I didn't make the choice to end it. I've accepted it for what it is. Why does he treat me like I'm the one who blew it all apart?
Another thing that has been running through my head is that H filed for D well over a year ago. When I got my own L and told H I would work with him on everything but the money, (H did not in any way want to pay alimony)H has not moved forward with any proposals. It is H's turn to make a move. I am willing to work on an agreement as to how the money allotment is meted out and take into consideration the amount H has paid in my utilities (his choice)off from the alimony amount. This would make it easier for H to live moving forward and give him the freedom to marry the ow if that's what he wants. Do I tell H I'm willing to work with him on it? TBH, I have no reason, at this time, other than give H what he wants.
Is it possible that this is why H dislikes me? He still sees me as being the block to his true happiness?
Seeking. Fwiw I do not think your husband dislikes you. I think he is deeply conflicted, and very very guilty. These are the feelings that probably overwhelm him. He isn't ready to work on himself, because admitting that they have a problem is really really hard for these people, who have denied their childhood hurts for so long. While it is weird behaviour for a normal person it isn't strange for a MLCer.
I am not sure therefore, whether saying anything to your husband would serve any purpose. He might give you an answer, because he felt he had to, but the chances of it being a real one are slim. As Snodderly would say, this person is not baked yet! [And in truth I wonder how many of them go to their graves and never sort themselves out]
I would tell your daughter that you so not know why your husband is like this. Which is true. We have our ideas but in truth we do not know.
I don't think it would be wrong to tell your daughter that it bothers you, but that you can live with it. There is a limit to how much we can, and I believe, should, cover for these crazy people. We didn't break them, and can't fix them, but we do not have to make their excuses either!! At some point they have to face those whose lives their behaviour has impacted.
Although my children are older, they have had to work out their own ideas about their father, and come to terms with it through their own eyes. And they are harder on him than I am. But they also see that it is he who is the loser, in every sense.
Seeking, I'm w/Bea on your xh's behavior. He's very conflicted and isn't sure what to do. I don't understand why he would want his daughter to stand w/him at a funeral, but my first thought was to show the world that he's still involved w/his family, but I could be wrong about this. As for your daughter questioning his behavior, you did the right thing by telling her you don't know why he did it. Your daughter is a smart young lady and I bet she'll question him at some point.
I wouldn't say a word to him about his behavior. Sometimes, the less you say, the better. Maybe he was trying to get a reaction out of you and also, in his warped mind, to put you on notice that he's moving on and considers you a stranger. My money is on the fact that he thinks he's punishing you because he's not happy w/the settlement, he could very well be acting out, hoping to make you feel guilty and then you'll come to him and tell him to lower the payments, etc. He knows you so well and knows just what buttons to push to get you to bend to his way of thinking. Seeking, I wouldn't go to him and work on the paperwork to lower the support funds...leave it alone. If he wants to discuss the issue w/you, allow him to come to you. He's a big boy and knows how to take care of things. Also, he may think that you will jump through hopes to have him being friendly w/you. My advice, sit quietly and do not do anything at this time. It's his move and I would allow him to make that move.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Seeking, Just wanted to let you know that my stbx does act odd towards me as well. Friendly, even jokingly, then akward and tense the next.
He went completely dark on me when I retained my own attorney, and he also didn't offer up anything on my proposals up until the day before court. Why? I have no idea. Your sitch raised questions of my own given they're similar.
However I didn't say a thing to him about his behavior and I do believe it's best that perhaps you do the same. If he wants to talk turkey he can contact you or do it through the attorneys. I agree he's conflicted and doesn't know what to do either.
Thank you Beatrice, Snodderly, Cadet and Kimmerz for your thoughts on my last post.
After reading and absorbing what you all had to say I've decided you're right and I'm not even going to mention it to him. There would be nothing to gain from it. If this is what it has come down to after 27 years of M, then so be it. I can't control any of it, just how I react to it.
Hard to believe that on May 1, it will be 30 years since we were married. Even with H being gone as long as he has, it's still sometimes hard to believe that we ended up like this.
