Sometimes you have to feel like you are about to go off a cliff before the amazing u turn happens. I so happy for you. He is prob not as far along as you in the self awareness process but that's okay. You can start the journey with him. Retrovile will just be the beginning. Good luck, stay strong
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Since the drama of the other day, H has been almost overly attentive. Its like a complete 180. He is engaging me frequently, saying he loves me and that he doesn't expect me to say it in return. He did do some back sliding, however, saying he didn't want to wear his wedding ring (although he does expect me to wear mine).
I am really struggling with this still. I just have so much doubt about how we could go from 'you better get a L, I'm not giving you any more money' to H wanting to work things out, calling me constantly, telling me he loves me in less than 2 weeks time.
Part of me thinks there is some angle in it for him, something catalyst that prompted the dramatic change. Some of my support group speculates that H talked to a L, and gave him the skinny on the financial and custody aspects of a D. He even asked me if I felt like I was going to miss an opportunity if I chose to work things out (which is actually possible from what a L told me).
He did imply that question was more about the imaginary BF he has created for me, and he has been obsessed about me talking to anyone of the opposite sex.
I just hate feeling this way, and I am hoping the wise peeps on the MB can tell me if this is normal. We are going through was seems like a complete role reversal. Has anyone witnessed a WAS make this much of a change in less than 2 weeks time? How do I handle this? Is it normal for me to feel paranoid and very skeptical?
Saw a glimpse of the old H, and I don't mean the good one.
H is texted me in the wee hours, woke me up (I use my phone as an alarm clock and keep it under my pillow) and got nasty with me because my response to being awakened at 2AM was 'whats up'.
The next day he called to talk to D, and was still in a foul mood. We had a pretty tense convo followed by an equally tense text exchange. I ended it by saying at least I know now what is real.
I just don't want to do this crap anymore! I am over the drama. I spent the afternoon feeling completely deflated, but I spoke with a friend who gave me a pep talk and brought me back mentally. My friend pointed out where I was overreacting, and where he was. Thank God for my friends, don't know what I would have done without them.
H called again later to tell D good night, and his mood had changed. He asked what I had meant by saying I knew what was 'real'. I told him I have had doubts about this turn of events from the onset, and that I didn't feel like he was ready to R. He said he thinks I am more 'done' than he realized.
He is correct.
He did some back pedaling at that point, but it was a fairly short convo. I think he's a little in shock by my attitude.
What I have learned from the past 9.5 craptastic months:
For those of you out there reading this who are looking for the magic bullet, it is exactly what others have said. You must legitimately be in a place where you can accept the fate of your M, realize that you WILL be ok no matter what, and honestly pursue your own life separate from your S.
I thought I could fake it, but the WAS are part bloodhound and they smell fear. It wasn't until I really hit that wall that he turned around. I still don't know what the outcome of this will be, but I'm ok with it either way. My hard head took longer to get here than most, I think.
I have learned lots, but I think that part took the longest to sink in.
Felt like maybe journaling would help me feel better..
H and I have continued the roller coaster. Last week we went to a local event and had a really, really good time. It was like being a real family again, and H didn't want to leave when I dropped him off at his car.
Then, of course, it all went to crap. After some playful back and forth texts H decides that he is offended I didn't respond in a timely manner. He is also checking my phone records again, and does not like that I have new friends he doesn't know. He's not saying that specifically, but he is making some snarky comments to that effect.
Last night we had a text convo, and he again said I put him second to my other friends because I didn't get back to him fast enough. My friend who is going through some drama called, and then my phone died. He sent me an ugly message, I told him what happened and said I was going to bed. He actually asked if I wanted company after all his snarkiness! Um, no.
He also has not signed us up for retrouvaille, although he still says he wants to. I almost feel like I'm getting played. But, I have no control of H or what he does. Right now he's going out a lot and partying, and I still don't feel like he's 'there' yet.
I'm pretty proud of the boundaries I've established, although I'm not entirely sure of what the DB thing is to do at times. H is definitely bothered by the life I am creating for myself.
Such is life. I just can't wait until mine has some semblance of being normal again. I just have a numb feeling right now I can't explain, and I feel tired all the time like I can't get enough sleep. I haven't been exercising, so I'm going to try starting up again and see if that helps.
When there is an unhealthy dynamic to the relationship, IMO - DBing becomes alot harder....
..because it's not really about the actions, it's about your motives behind them.
For example - if you were to validate your H's feelings and change your ways because you are FEARFUL of what he will do if you don't...
....that is not DBing..
.... that is not love..
It's a REALLY fine line and one that only YOU can really decide if you are crossing.
When I read what you wrote above, I see a man who is very controlling...
He could be trying to control you for many reasons.
Whether that be because he is fearful he will ACTUALLY lose you
or for some other reason.
I think alot of control comes out of the fear of the unknown.
And you can understand and validate that fear, but it does NOT make his actions right.
You are right that you have no control over what your H does or says.. but you do have a choice on how you respond.
Yes - I do believe that we shouldn't mindread our WAS.. but I also believe that people who were part of a controlling relationship can recognize when someone's intentions is to control the outcome.
And even if you don't know why your H is doing those things.. you can look into your own feelings and ask yourself...
... Do I feel like I am trying to be controlled?
... am I acting like someone who is trying to be controlled?
And in my very humble opinion, it isn't until you find out the answers to those questions, that you can figure out how to DB that particular sitch.
Keep up your boundaries, continue to put on foot in front of the other.
I know how hard breaking the cycle is....
...but keep on keeping on.
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I agree with what V19 has said. I also tend to think that from reading your posts it sounds to me like your H is very afraid of losing you and that may be causing him to try to control the sitch.
Continue to remain dark/dim because it really seems to be working for you. Keep up your boundaries and above all make sure to do your GAL activities. As far as him checking your phone records it could be that H is fearful that you have someone else he could be curious or could be trying to control you. IMHO it's probably a combination of H thinking you have someone and he's very curious. Funny how some WAS check up on us like this. I am going thru the same thing now with my WAW checking my phone records and getting mad that I talk to my sister,lol. Her anger is not my problem so I guess that means I'm really becoming detached.
Keep up the good work you sound like you are on the right path.
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
Thank you, Val! There is a lot of really good stuff in your post, lots for me to think about.
I def think you're right about the controlling part- I am trying to free myself from the codependency I know I have. It is really easy to fall back into the same patterns, and I think in some aspects I'm doing ok to that end.
Overall I know I've come far enough to know I'm going to be ok no matter what. I made my peace with whatever outcome. That being said I am grateful for the reality check you gave me here, because you're right, I see the dynamic.
Its been difficult for me to walk that line- where there the codependency ends and the validating my partner's feelings begin. I think I got sukked back into the vortex some, despite my best efforts not to.
The comments from you and Val reminded me of the first day H had this turnaround- he actually cried and said he was afraid of losing me. So that is spot on, I think.
Will definitely try to continue with going dim, I still need that for myself it seems.
