Husband's wants out & one foot out the door...

[MrBond]

So you call him a sissy and find his mannerisms feminine now, etc. So do you want to save your M? You're in the early stages yet, so have alot of anger left. Believe me, I know the feeling.

"And what kind of person does it make me to still love him and want to work it out? Makes me feel desperate, and I don't like it. "

No it makes you a person of integrity and the ones with the greater strength. Are you saying that the rest of the LBSs here are desperate and pathetic?

[RoRoinMD]

Bond - I didn't say anything about him being a sissy. What he is is unfaithful. I do want to save my M. I'm just having a hard time knowing that right now he's chosen to go elsewhere, and hasn't stopped even though I know now. Yes, it's partially my fault, and a bitter pill to swallow. I'm working on forgiveness. Most days I feel like I have forgiven him. Yesterday wasn't one of those days.

As far as the desperate comment. That was me feeling sorry for myself. It was/is a personal feeling I have, and has no bearing on anyone else's sitch.

[MrBond]

"That was me feeling sorry for myself."

Understood. That's why I had to splash some cold reality your way.

Believe me we've all felt the way you have. My W's OM was her boss, twice her age and she'd see him every day. For me that was hard knowing that she chose her job and him over me.

You are doing the right thing which says alot more about you than your H. It is much harder to build something than tear something down.

[RoRoinMD]

Just got back from the movies with my sister. We were trying to see "Red Tails" but it was sold out. Ended up seeing "One For The Money". It was pretty good.

H has been texting and calling me to update on the funeral (17 year old distant cousin who got hit by a car) and my SS who had several teeth extracted yesterday. I did call him this morning to check in, and texted him earlier and said I was thinking of him because he was thinking the funeral was going to be bad. He didn't respond but called and apologized saying he was inside the church when he got the message.

Feeling a little better. I lounged pretty much all day and then did some well overdue cleaning. My husband won't know what happened. LOL It felt good though. I think when things started getting really bad with my H, I got depressed and let a lot of stuff go by the wayside. Cleaning today helped me get a little piece of my sanity back. More cleaning tomorrow.

[Accuray]

RoRoInMD,

Your H is conflicted -- that's good news! My W said she wanted a D and that was not up for discussion. She didn't kiss me for a long time after that and wouldn't let me hug her at all, I had to go with "butterfly touches" as that's all I could get away with, it was BRUTAL! The fact that he's kissing you and telling you he loves you is great! The fact that you're laughing together is great, that's the best thing you can do right now.

Continue your GAL activities, vent here on the board, do your best not to pursue, and be happy and fun to be around when H is present. You are making progress, you're doing a great job with DB. Keep it up!

Accuray

[RoRoinMD]

H called me before church this morning. Quick chat about him visiting family before he leaves.

One of the ladies at church asked me where H was. I told her he was out of town, and to please pray for him. She then tells me she was thinking about him last week and she asked if we were still together. And I lost it. She hugged me and said a quick prayer. She said she thought something was going on. I did eventually pull myself together, but man what a way to start Sunday service!

My Sissie left after church. All alone again. Good and bad. Now I have plenty of time to think about my dismal life with no distractions. YAY ME! :-(

So...I have a dilemma. H is currently sleeping on the couch. Since my sister was coming, he moved his stuff out of the living room, and I moved his pillows back to our bed to "keep up appearances". My question is should I move his pillows and blankets back to the living room? I'm trying to not manipulate the situation, but I am thinking it would not be "keeping the road home smooth" if his bed is literally already made in the living room when he gets home. I also know that if he removes his pillows and blankets from our room on purpose, it will hurt me.

Any ideas?

Still trying to detach, but having a real hard time. My head is telling me that by detaching, I am leaving to door even wide open for the OW. I know this is not necessarily true. Need to find the balance to detach, but not seem uninterested. I keep thinking how is he going to notice my changes if she's calling and emailing all the time. Not doing too good at this...even with GAL
activities. *sigh*

[25yearsmlc]

My main idea for you is that you

MUST LOSE THE ANGER, at least in front of him.

It only fuels the negative images he has of you and undermines all your marital efforts.

When he's kind to you, or loving, or shows he's in pain,

Show some empathy and gratitude, not resentment.

OR TRY TO feel it... b/c it's just too negative to put a bad spin on those things.

And it's So not helping you.

I lived in the interior of Alaska for 3 years (w/a newborn and 2 older kids)

and my GAL included

auditioning for community theater and getting roles-met cool new people

stand up comedy

joined a writer's group

volunteered at a woman's shelter

learned to cross country ski, seriously fish, hunt and snowmachine

took an Italian Cuisine class, a class in French Conversation

and a pottery classs (huge 180 for me)

Learned to fly and got my pilot's license

Went skydiving (summer only)

Worked out and got in excellent shape.

Saw a T and got on some ADs for the winter. They helped.

Most of these things cost very little.

The more you focus on GAL and your 180s (what are THEY?)

the easier the detachment will be AND

you may manage your anger and pessimistic (glass is half empty) approach to life.

That would greatly help YOUR happiness and that makes you more attractive.

But heck, being happy is your job and your task and a gift you give yourself.

Forgiveness is a process - but it's FOR YOU

b/c no one who is holding onto her pain/anger, can be happy.

Holding onto anger b/c you think it hurts the other person -

is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes.

What specific changes in yourself would YOU like to make?

Do you want THIS MAN and marriage, or are you simply not wanting to "lose"?

I ask this not to offend, but it seems to me that you agree you mistreated him- and that you have many personal issues not related to him.
But he's also been flirting or more, with OWs for most of the r. You accepted that and NOT ML for months...

So do you want HIM, or do you just not want to be alone or feel rejected?

this question matters...read the Div Remedy book again, it really helps. I see new things in it all the time and I've read it probably 5 times.

((( )))

[RoRoinMD]

25 – Thank you for responding. No offense taken.

I have not shown any anger since 2 Fridays ago when we actually discussed the A. I have actually been more gracious and kind since that night. Which is a total 180 for me. Ordinarily, I would ignore him, or be sharp in my words to him, and I haven’t done that one time. I know he’s expecting it. I told him I forgive him, and I meant it. I keep praying that God will release my anger. I probably should find a T and go talk about it. I just don’t want to talk about the past anymore. And that’s most T seem to want to do.

My GALs – kickboxing, Curves, church, and hanging with my friends. Most of my friends are either married or in serious relationships, so we don’t get to hang out a lot. I actually spend a lot of time by myself. Which is probably not good. I am a part of a couple of Meetup groups, but one is for wives and I just can’t handle going to their activities…not now anyway. I plan to look for some more soon. I was also encouraged by someone at work to look into voiceover work because she liked the sound of my voice. So I plan on beginning the research for that soon.

My 180s – Be sure to speak with a softer tone (not just to my husband, but with everyone); Ensure my facial expressions relay what I’m really feeling; Let stuff GO and don’t sweat the small stuff; Actively listening when my husband talks – this includes eye contact and waiting for him to finish his thought before I barge in; My H also likes to be greeted when he comes in the house (He mentioned this as another one of his issues). This may be pursuing, but this is something I plan on doing because I was not doing it before. I won’t go overboard, but I do know that if I don’t do this, things go downhill from there. So any ideas on how to do this, but not pursue would be great. (Not sure it’s possible, but I’m open to suggestions.)

My main goal right now is to be genuinely happy again. That was one of my H issues. He says I never seem happy. I think that’s because I didn’t know what to do when things would go wrong in our marriage, so I went into a deep depression. So I’ve been making myself get out and exercise. I don’t make it every day yet like before, but a couple of days are better than nothing.

And yes, I want to save my marriage to THIS man. Of course I don’t want to feel rejected or be alone. But, that’s not my motivation for saving my marriage. I genuinely love this man, even with everything that is going on. I accepted all the drama because that’s what I was taught to do. In my family, you don’t give up on your marriage. I probably didn’t handle it correctly (clearly because we are here now). If I had tried DB before, I may not be in the place I am now. I seriously thought something was medically wrong with my H, and that’s why we were not ML. He had been having issues before, so I honestly thought that was what the problem was. Stupid me.

I actually got both DR & DB books out last night and plan on reading through them both again today.

Seriously, thanks 25 for your comments. They give me pause to think about what I really want.

[purgatory]

25 has posted a lot to my thread about detaching and letting go of the anger (something you and I appear to have in common ) Most of that info is on my 3rd and 4th threads- please check them out- I re-read them when I start to get upset again. (there's too much to repost here).

The 180s and GAL activities are key in keeping yourself sane and giving your brain something else to think about (even if it's only for a few hours.) It's been 2 months since my bomb, and I'm *just now* really trying to GAL... so I know it's hard to get started and to focus solely on something for yourself.

I too thought: "If I had tried DB before, we might not be here"... but all we can do is accept that we are trying now and move forward. 25 has told me: "be the best you can be from this day forward"... I try to remember that everyday.

[RoRoinMD]

Purg, I'll go hunt down your threads.

Strange - After answering 25, I was ravenous. I have not been hungry in DAYS! I also finished some more cleaning, had a snack, and took a nap.

H texted and said he was visiting family and friends (he actually saw a long lost relative) and would be on his way after that. I responded Cool! Enjoy your time with your friends and went back to cleaning. Planning on cooking dinner tonight. I haven't been able to bring myself to cook since the first bomb dropped.

Little progress, but progress still.