Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[Nblost]

Long texting session last night with H. He was very open to texting about our R. We are going to tell the kids we are separating on Sunday. H has no plan for where he is going/his schedule and I said we need to work on that.

I reiterated to H that I don't care about dating right now and I think he gets it. He knows he has created all of the problems. He said he's sure any new guy will wait around for me as long as it takes--I am such an amazing, awesome person.

He is sure he'll have some regrets about his actions. He also doesn't like what he has done to our relationship. I told him that we have the power to change our relationship...we aren't just victims in all this.

I don't think he's ready to give up his A, but I can tell he isn't overly confident about it. He said he's never said the OW was better than me (I would disagree, but whatever)...it's just that she treats him differently in a couple ways that I never did. I agreed.

In the end, he said he loves talking to me. I had commented on how much his affair has impacted me (lost 20 pounds) and he said I just keep getting better and better looking while he's losing his hair. He said he might start needing to do a comb over, and I said if he does...he better just plan on staying married.

I don't know...in a way, I feel like I'm leaving a path back open. I also think there's a chance we could get along well as friends/parents without being married.

[kml]

Well, you did a good job of planting the idea in his mind that there could be a different outcome here.

And he's starting already to think about what he's losing. Good.

Now quit telling him you're not going to date. Don't give him the idea he has the luxury of you waiting around for him.

[Nblost]

Well, the dating issue for me is hard. It really bothered H...so I guess I got my intended effect. However, I felt like I may have closed the door too quickly on the marriage by acting like I was completely ready to move on. Overall though, I think it gave me some confidence and I needed the break from feeling like I was being crushed emotionally.

I've told him that I'd never see this new guy again if he'd be willing to come back and work on the marriage. I told H I still love him, but I can't live like this. (How many times can I say this????????) I'm also concerned about muddying my own head and future divorce proceedings by having H think I'm starting up affairs right now? AND, I've told H...we can date, we can use other people as "drugs" right now...OUR KIDS can't. They need to be the number one priority for us right now.

But, H knows I've met and gone out with a nice guy who lives a mile away. He'll continue to worry about it...I'm pretty sure of that.

If I wasn't ready to be done, this would all be way more traumatic. But, I'm ready to stir the pot and see what happens.

[NSweet]

I think you already know what you have to do here. Since you did chase your H a bit in the beginning, and plead, and use the "L", and were more or less needy... It's time to completely back of for a while and let him miss you. And you didn't close the door forever. If you two are still willing to talk to each other as friends even once in a while you're still good.

Follow DR and give him a few months to himself to deal with all the problems he thought he was ready for without you and don't try to pry into his life until he invites you in. I cannot stress that last part hard enough. Your H needs space and you must not ask questions about what he is doing or freely give up that info as well, the key is mystery and not jalousy. It's ok for you to miss a call once in a while and return it later that night or the next day and let him work just a little bit harder to talk with you. I know if you become too available the WAS throws breadcrumbsd and how painful it is, so stay just out of reach.

Dating isn't necessarily going to help you in any way other than put a temporary bandaid on the sting, but it can help you recreate that lot sense of attraction and get your confidence back. Now that means dating, not SEX! You don't want to manipulate anyone or bring more drama into your life and that jealousy the H may feel certainly won't guarante his respect. Trust me on this one you do not want to make this a competition over who has moved on first.

What you know you have to do is stop worrying about getting him back before the divorce and just have fun with yourself. So what if you get divorced before you get him back. You have longer than you realize afer D and an even beter chance to R with kids. Most importantly if you know you are a good person and I think you are if you're second gessing dating. Then your spouse is going to miss that person eventually. It may take a while but the quicker you get over the need to get him back by X amount of time and stop pressuring yourself the quicker you can have fun being around him as a friend.

Half of DR/DB is just getting rid of need and being patient. And the other half is believing in yourself. If you can relax I promiss you'll do better.

[MynameisMZ]

NB, are you still out there? Checking on all my buddies here.

Read over your 1/27/12 post. I think telling him you love him, want him, and would be willing to stop all other dating activities to work on the M is the right thing to do. It's the truth. Yet, if he doesn't agree, what are you to do? Keep yourself on a shelf until he decides?

Don't forget, sometimes the WAS feels so guilty and ashamed that they get it in their heads that you wold never want them back.

A long time ago my neighbor told me that she had had an A and her H found a letter she wrote. He took her for a ride and showed her the letter and then asked her what she wanted to do. She told him she wanted him and the M. She said he folded up the letter and said, "Alrighty then." He never mentioned the A again.

So, stop in and update us, OK?

[Nblost]

I'm sure I should start a new thread....

I guess another week has passed. H and are are "theoretically" separated although he hasn't moved out. He just continues to travel.

We told the kids that we are having issues and H will likely move out in about a month. The two oldest (11 and 8) took it very hard and sobbed for about 45 minutes. H thought it was horrible telling them. He commented again that he might regret all this, and I can tell it's hard on him. But, no change in his attitude about continuing the A.

I told my parents yesterday that we are having issues (I did not tell them about the A). They were sad but not overly surprised, they've observed his work travel.

I am sure I am in an EA with this new guy. We check in with each other every morning, chit chat a little during the day, and then have gotten into fairly long texting sessions at night. Mostly, we just talk about day to day stuff but I do vent to him about H. It's interesting in a way because I feel like I can see how H felt...

H got home tonight after being gone almost a week. He was pretty nice with the kids, but then snapping at me. (said he didn't appreciate my "f---ing b----" attitude when I told him I didn't feel like talking tonight. (I am sitting here and have work I should be doing)

I don't know...I can tell he's hurting inside on some levels...but I am just so tired of his selfishness. I almost don't notice it anymore...but my friends constantly call him out on it. Once again, no idea where he was this weekend and I am alone with the kids.

I guess I can be the experiment for going off the rails. I don't know...it's just really scary how powerful these affairs are. And, I don't know what the right answer is for handling them. I think you just need to focus on yourself and not be overly worried about doing anything that can alienate your spouse. In the end, they are ALREADY having an affair...how much worse can it get?

I am glad I took the high road and tried...but I almost wonder if I should have gotten angrier earlier...I'd recommend reading several books on affairs to get perspectives if you are going through this. I think Shirley Glass's is the best.

[Rogerio]

Hi Nblost it's good to hear you are doing OK. You question whether "...but I almost wonder if I should have gotten angrier earlier..." it might have perhaps made a difference. Shoulda, woulda, coulda, you're here now and there is no sense in looking back. I'm so sorry about your girls, have you thought of perhaps having them see a professional to help them through this? I'm so very glad to hear you are doing well and you are receiving emotional support from your new friend as well as your girlfriends: at times like this you can sure tell who your friends are! You need this. And as for your H, well......, his life will continue to speed towards the cliff. He has seen the reaction from your daughters now, and if that wasn't enough to jar him from his selfishness, then what will. The biggest thing now is for you to focus on yourself (which you have been doing) to retain your sanity.

Wishing you all the best.

[Nblost]

Oh, I didn't mean to imply I have any regrets...I don't think there's ever a perfect way to handle finding out your H has had an affair...but luckily I found great books and this website early in the process.

I think if I hadn't had the holidays in the mix, I would have pushed H quicker to make a decision and probably saved myself a month or two of this "indecision stuff". But, not a big deal.

H left again last night to go to OW's city. He gave me a backrub before he left and tried to say some nice things. He said he still loves me. I said he doesn't seem happy and he agreed. But, I also reminded him that this was all his choice.

He's screwed up...and I'm actually not sure at this point if I want to work on our marriage. Actually, I know I don't unless I see a major change from him. He's actually not a bad person, but he's too selfish right now for me to deal with him.

I am definitely pretty detached. Having had good friends and meeting a guy with a strong character definitely help.

[MynameisMZ]

[keep_going]

I am sure I am in an EA with this new guy. We check in with each other every morning, chit chat a little during the day, and then have gotten into fairly long texting sessions at night. Mostly, we just talk about day to day stuff but I do vent to him about H. It's interesting in a way because I feel like I can see how H felt...



...it's just really scary how powerful these affairs are. And, I don't know what the right answer is for handling them. I think you just need to focus on yourself and not be overly worried about doing anything that can alienate your spouse. In the end, they are ALREADY having an affair...how much worse can it get?

I am glad I took the high road and tried...but I almost wonder if I should have gotten angrier earlier...I'd recommend reading several books on affairs to get perspectives if you are going through this. I think Shirley Glass's is the best.

Nblost - I am confused...
It seems like you are now having an EA yourself and then you go on about how things cannot get any worse than your H having an affair.

My H's PA started as an EA. You mention Shirley Glass' book - I believe she also talks about the slippery slope dynamic of EA's as well.

Are you still standing for your marriage? If so, I would humbly suggest that you tread carefully with your R with this new person - I just don't see how it could get you any closer to getting your M back on track.

Just my humble opinion, I mean no disrespect.