NM, sometimes it takes some real "shock therapy" to get someone to straighten up for a moment, long enough to have some clarity to do something other than lie in a heap of despair. You received that shock therapy from steady.
Understand that we all have work today, even the vets. We are always works in progress. So sometimes, that "stuff" that comes out of us in the name of supporting someone else, isn't always coming from a... strong centre. We all have our bias... some more skewed then others...
What I am saying is, you are concerned because you have received information that suggests that there are few "saved" Ms.
I don't know about that. Take a look around you. Statistics say that 50% of first Ms end in divorce. Look at 10 friends (not including their partners). Are they currently M? Are they D? If 50% of Ms end in D, why would your unscientific studies suggest otherwise?
We only see a small sample, here. Those in the middle of heartbreak and turmoil. Once they leave this boad, we don't know what happens. Some don't care to relive THIS memory so don't want to come back and announce their success to R. Or don't think to.
If 50% of Ms end in D, it does not account for the other population that did NOT file D. And are simply separated... take stats here and ask yourself... how many are D? How many leave this board and are still not D?
Forget the stats. You are skewing them anyhow, because YOU are trying to save your M. Does the stats indicated anything about whether one of the spouses actually fought to save their M? What about those so called... "amicable" Ds.
Many take the advice of their well intentioned family and friends and just agree to end the M because they should just get over it and move on...
Everyone here has a fantastic chance to succeed... because they are bucking what other's want to believe is just the harsh reality...
One more thing steady that I forgot to mention earlier and I'm wondering if this was one thing you obsessed with or struggled with .My biggest obsession and the reason I waited so long to move out was the fear of some other guy raising my kids. That truly is the thing that races through my brain the most.
Steady I've read your thread on detaching and it is absolutely awesome.
I have a question. Is there a fine line between detaching and being a d*ckhead. Reason I ask is there is certain things I still do for the kids. Put son on bus every day is one. Sometimes when its not my day with kids she will ask me to bring son to scheduled activity because he really wants Dad to take him. If I say no my kids suffer. That is the fine line I'm working with right now.
Did I handle this situation correct? Remember I'm trying to detach, cater, and do 180's here all at once.
Situation: I watch D during the morning of her schedule kids day so she can work. She tells me from work she is not feeling well. I just ignore and say I hope you feel better. In the past I would have instantly offered to take both kids so she can rest. This all happens around 10 am. She comes buy apartment to pick up my daughter and hints again how terrible she feels. I ignored it and started gathering D's things to put her in car. Hooray I didn't cave and she didn't ask for help and everything was all good. I head into the office.
5 hours go buy and I get a message asking me if I was busy. I said not until later and said why. She replies I'm deathly ill with the flu. She wanted me to go by her house and watch kids because she didn't want them sleeping over my house 4 days in a row (my weekend coming up). I said that makes no sense you need to get rest how about I just pick them up and they sleep here tonight. We went back and forth and finally they ended up sleeping at Dad's.
This is my constant dilemma. I'm trying to detach but can I really leave 2 kids with her when she can't even function or lift a finger. We have no other help. That is 1/2 our problem and why we are in this mess to start with. I waited until she finally caved and asked me for help. I did not offer help all day like I would have in the past. So that is my 180. I also pushed for the kids to come to my house. Detaching a little and standing up for myself. But I still catered and helped her because I do not want to be a complete A-HOLE during this process.
Re-read the stuff on detaching. It really has nothing to do with physical proximity or amount of contact.
Not helping her out with the kids is not detaching, to me.
BTW you weren't catering to her, you were catering to your kids. Ask yourself, is it best for you kids to be in a situation with a sick parent?
Originally Posted By: Harrier
I mean it's not like she was asking you to watch them so she could do out and party. This was really a no-brainer.
Thanks H this is the stuff I need to hear and need to adjust my thinking. You are right. I am confusing detaching a little. Its hard to detach with as much contact as we have right now.
I was more interested if I handled right. Taking the kids to my apartment for an overnight rather then just go over there and watch them to give her a break. I mean what is the point of that. They still will be calling on her even when I'm there. They still will be in her bed at night giving her not the proper rest. I had to push her to get her to agree to let me just take them so she could get the proper rest.
KD. My focus is on my growth and becoming a better person but I still have a responsibility as a H and F if something like this comes up. I was proud that I didn't cave and just cater to her right out of the starting gate. She finally came to me because she was hurting. She needs major rest and like Harrier said its a no brainer to take kids and not leave with sick parent. I just didn't want to go over there and babysit. I'd rather have taken them off her hands so she could rest and the kids could sleep here. This is the giant catch 22 I am in.
