first, you are acknowledging that he has all the power to do whatever he wants, but all the responsibility as well. when you get too involved in trying to control or monitor these EAs or PAs your partner finds it easier to use those efforts as a shield for their own responsibility.
secondly, you are essentially using the friend or acquaintance standard and saying, "please be thoughtful to me because we are sharing space with each other". it reminds him of something he should know: what he's doing is hurting another person - namely you. at the same time, though, because you are acknowledging his freedom to do as he chooses, this doesn't come off as a pursuit or control behavior.
if i was in your husband's shoes and someone said this to me, i would feel immature and thoughtless and very uncomfortable with myself.
i agree with accuray. no 2x4 needed. you are doing better than you think. you are building skills, day by day and you have already demonstrated that to "the board" and yourself. you are a skill-building person.
one of those skills is observation of small details. i agree you need to watch yourself so you don't ride too high or low with them, but you also need to look for trends and patterns. and we here can help you with that.
while H is riding this wave of excitement (most waves eventually crash or dissipate) you are quietly building yourself as a person and therefore your appeal as a relational partner as well. it's really better done quietly with little fanfare as you maintain an even-keel, friend-like and non-antagonizing relationship. and a relationship where you work to un-tether yourself from him.
if i had a magic want i would fill you up with self-esteem. would you consider this: making a list of some of the things you have done that have made you feel best about yourself?
I didn't get much sleep last night because my allergies were acting up. I kept coughing and coulnd't catch my breath. My husband comes rushing in with a glass of water, but I already had a glass on the nightstand. The coughing continues, and he rushes in again to make sure I'm okay. Asks if I need anything - even offered to go the store at 1 am. I think this heightened my anxiety and made me angry (I wanted to yell "You jerk! You want to act like you care how I'm doing NOW? After you've broken my heart into a million pieces." But I didn't). But the anxiety of those thoughts did make my coughing fits worse. So needless to say, I had to sleep sitting up, and didn't get more than a couple of hours of sleep.
onyourside2 - Low self-esteem has always been an issue for me so these kinds of lists are never easy. But here goes:
1. I went back to kickboxing after 3 years off. I'm getting stronger physically. That's going to make me look very hot come summer. ;-)
2. Since the bomb was dropped, I've lost about 15 lbs from not being able to eat. Not good circumstances, but you're looking at someone who couldn't lose 1lb a month, 2 weeks ago.
3. I'm learning to cook from scratch. I could cook before, but most of the stuff came out of a box. I get joy when I see a dish I made come out right, and people get to enjoy it.
That's about all I have right now. I'm tired, which makes my sadness worse today. *Just keep swimming!*
Read this on Molly V.'s thread, and needed to post it here for myself.
1) make changes in yourself that YOU want to make, no matter what 2) face whatever comes w/dignity and grace. You will make it to the other shore...HE's there for you, as we are, and all your friends and family who love you.
I need to remember this on the days like today when I feel like the world is on my shoulders.
But if my h died and I were done grieving, I know I'd be happy again. If h left me and stayed gone, I know I'd eventually be happy again.
So profound...I need to hear this...OVER, AND OVER AGAIN!
Your consistent changes + sufficient time passing = changes HE can believe in.
You have been given a gift. The gift of TIME under the same roof. Yes it's hard in many ways--tension or stressful...
but it's the 4-5 months you have, to change your ways consistently.
and NOT point them out or highlight them...just make the changes and let them radiate. Believe in the new you and it will show.
You may have to ACT like an Academy Award winner, but you can do it. Fake it til you make it.
NO pursuing/No guilting/No arguments FOR the marriage...
I need to take more acting classes, because right now I suck at this. I'm still running out of the room so he won't see my tears.
When you operate in fear, you are NOT operating in faith.
If you are a believer, then remember that^^^ statement...and have some faith.
He will guide you. HE will strengthen you and you will survive this crisis.
It's not eternal. It's not fatal. But you must take care of yourself.
Take a breath, say a prayer and believe you will be alright, b/c you will.
you wanted to scream at him....but you did not. that's number 1. the second is you made a list. that's number 2. this may seem small and in a way it is, but in another way it's bigger. it means you are mobilizing and moving in the direction you want to go.
oys2 - Okay, I see now. What is the saying around here...celebrate the 1%? Or is that just for the WAS?
Journaling...
H is headed to NC for a funeral and to see my SS and in-laws. My sister is coming up tonight, so it'll be good to spend some one on one time with my twin, and not to have an empty house. And with him gone it'll be good not to have to explain why he's been sleeping on the couch. (How does one get him off the couch anyway? GEEZ?)
Last night my H knew I wasn't feeling well, so he offered to bring me some dinner. He also picked up a dress I had in the cleaners when he went to pick up his own stuff. I asked how much it was and said I’d pay him back. He said not to worry about it.
We ate (me at the table, him on the couch of course), and watched some TV. He then got on the laptop in the bedroom and I stayed in the living room watching TV. He then comes almost running into the room saying that he found a new video of one of our favorite artists on the net. And he just stands there like he’s waiting for something. I thought he was just telling me this. Oh no. I then understand he wants me to come watch the video with him. (My husband used to do this all the time, but not so much recently.) So I go in, we watch the video, and start laughing and talking about some other stuff. Once the video is over, I leave the room. As much as I wanted to stay, I know I can’t smother him.
But…here’s where I get into trouble…
This morning as he’s leaving he comes to kiss me goodbye. He leans in and I literally try to suck his lips off. He doesn't pull away. Then leans back, looks at me, kisses me again and hugs me. He says he was sweaty from loading the car, but now he’s really hot. We both walk out into the living room, he comes back to kiss me again, and says I love you. (I did not initiate this...he said it on his own) I say I love you back and then he goes down the stairs saying he needs to stop and get a bottle of water on the way to the train station.
Now I know I was NOT supposed to do that. It’s pursuing, and I'm dead wrong for my actions, but I could not help myself. (Well okay, I probably could have.) I’m seriously in the dry spell from H*LL. I need to pray about this so I either won’t attack him next time I see him, or seek it elsewhere. I know that won’t help the situation at all. It’s just so frustrating. Before everything got really bad, ML was really great between us. Like REALLY great. *sigh*
One other note...my father-n-law (H's stepdad) texted H last night to call him. He told me his stepdad wanted to tell him to make sure he calls his mom. Apparently he hadn't been doing his normal once a week call. (I wonder why?) I was surprised. Anyway, they talk. (He's in his bathroom, and I'm in mine when I hear this conversation. We have two 1/2 baths with a tub separating them. You could hear a fly go by in the other bathroom if you’re in mine.)
He tells his stepdad that everything is okay, and he knows he needs to call more often. His stepdad must have asked if I was coming this weekend, because he said no, she's staying here. I'm just coming for the funeral. They talk some more and get off the phone.
Then I hear sniffling. I'm like is he CRYING? I hear more sniffling. Yes, he is CRYING! I'm thinking to myself What the H*ELL are YOU crying for? Is it because you don't want them to know what you're doing? But I don't really get mad. I actually feel very sorry for him. (Total 180) Because he's really in this by himself. He told me none of his friends know what is going on. He said, how can I tell them this is what I'm doing? (I know...don't believe half of what he says.) I think he may be suffering from a little depression too. But of course, I'm NOT going to tell him that.
He also asked if I had any money and said he would leave me some cash so I’d have enough for the weekend. He didn’t leave any this morning, so I called him to ask about it when I went out to grab lunch. He said he forgot but he’d stop by the house on his way out of town. I said he didn’t have to go out of his way, since I knew he was trying to get an oil change before he left, and that I should be fine for the weekend. He said it wasn’t a problem, and he’d get his oil changed in NC tomorrow if he missed the place. I just said ok. (Normally, I would have kept arguing that he didn’t have to do that. Why can’t I accept when someone wants to do something for me and just let them do it? UGH! Something I need to work on.)
This whole keeping my mouth shut is getting really, REALLY hard. I don't think I've ever not talked about something as long as I have not talking about our R. This is 180 that just might kill me!
I think I may schedule a session with a DB coach for sometime soon. I do have some money saved, and now may be just the right time.
H is on his way to NC. He got off early so he was here when I got home from work. Kinda annoyed me that he didn't call me and tell me he was leaving work early like he used to. But then I remembered where we are in our R, so I swallowed my comment and just smiled/slightly scowled at him. (Slowly but surely, I am going to get better with the no reaction thing.) He pointed out he left money for me on the dining room table. Asked if I needed him to do anything before he left. I said just a couple bags of trash which he took when he left. He hugged and kissed me and said I love you. (For some reason this is bothering me today. I wonder if he's telling the OW he loves her too. GRRR! Gotta stop this kind of thinking!)
On his way out the door, he told me he'd call me when he got down the road. I asked him if that was code for don't call me, I'll call you. He smiled and said no, you can call me. I told him he didn't have to tell me that. He said, I know and laughed.
My Sissie is on her way! YAY! I so need this distraction!
I am finding myself very angry tonight. I keep thinking do I really want to save this marriage with a person who is cheating on me? I know he's still communicating with the OW. But still telling me he loves me. What kind of person does that? And what kind of person does it make me to still love him and want to work it out? Makes me feel desperate, and I don't like it.
Glad he's gone until Sunday. If he was here, I 'd probably be throwing his stuff out into the street. LOL
