It's really a hard thing. What helped me while W was gone was trying to have faith in her as the person I fell in love with, not the person I currently perceive her to be. She may very well have changed since we were married, but she's still the same person, deep down. Time and broken marital bliss changed what shines through.
One of the worst things you can do right now is trust your feelings. If you have no proof something is going on, it's best to do whatever is necessary to get it out of your mind. And even if you DID have proof, what would that change? It would only heighten your (already great) misery. What are you doing to GAL? If it's not taking up enough clock time, find something else to fill the void.
I didn't do recreational reading for years, and recently rediscovered how cathartic it can be. I've read several Tom Clancy novels in the last month, the Steve Jobs Biography, in addition to self-help stuff and DR. FILL THAT DOWN TIME!
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
Why am I struggling with those above things when I KNOW it's out of my control. It is driving me crazy.
Hey NM, IMO, the reason we LBS struggle is because there is a big difference between intellecutally KNOWING that you cannot prevent your WAS from doing anything or get your WAS to do anything and ACCEPTING that information as a fact and then living the life of acceptance. FWIW, I KNEW my WAS was largely out the door after we S but it still took me a good month of pleading, begging, etc., before I truly ACCEPTED that my WAS had walked away. Acceptance is, IMO, an on going process that we LBS have to wrestle with every day. Keep working, my friend.
Acceptance is, IMO, an on going process that we LBS have to wrestle with every day. Keep working, my friend.
James - I agree. It is an ongoing process.
I'm about two weeks out from the 1st bomb, and just over a week out from the 2nd one. My H is still at home, so I'm struggling with accepting that he is leaving. He hasn't mentioned it again, but I know it could happen at any time. And I don't want the grief to be as bad as when the 1st bomb was dropped. I just don't know how to get to the acceptance point and stay there. It is hard...Some days I do feel like I'm going insane.
First let me say that if are a month in and have not and are not persuing, bravo to you, you are ahead of the game IMHO. I am 5 months post separation in and am just 5 days in non-pursuit/LRT mode. Read my ridiculousness if you wish to see why it is best to totally leave her alone and not worry about what she is doing, because interefering in any way will in all certainty make things worse...
As everyone above said, GAL, work on yourself, make happiness without her, and leave her be. I know it is hard but that really is the only way, or at least I hope it is, because I have tried everything else under the sun in the last 5 months and am still in the same spot if not worse than I was before.
I am not going to lie to you, it is going to be tough, as I said I'm physically separated for 5 months and am still going crazy, so I am right there with you.
Keep your chin up, and know there is support here when you need it. I will be praying for you, your wife, your marriage and sitch in total in the meantime. :-)
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
My apologies in advance to NM because I do not want to hijack his thread. Ro, the LBS experiences countless highs and lows during this process. We let ourselves read into things because we remain hopeful that the M/R can be repaired. (It can be, don't lose hope.) We "argue" with our WAS about why he/she should give the M/R another shot. We beg, plead, etc. Very little of that works (and much is counter productive). IMO, it is when you stop that process and start GALing, etc., that you begin to cement the changes that you are making into the new normal for YOU. When you are working more for your well being than you are in an effort to try to reclaim your WAS, you are putting yourself in a position to begin to accept the situation for what it is and, more importantly, you are working on your next relationship: either a new M/R with your WAS built on a new foundation or one with a new person.
Thanks everyone! Let me clarify. I begged, pleaded, cried, manipulated, tried every tactic under the sun while I was at home for over a year straight which LED to the physical S. Now that we are physically in separate houses I do not pursue or ever mention the R at all. I am reading DR, using a coach, and have a SBT locally.
As far as GAL I joined a local card club. I quit drinking but the cards get me out on the nights that I do not have kids. I also am involved in the church more. I'm thinking about reactivating gym membership and going mountain biking again.
One thing that just happened just now at kid pick up she made a comment that came across that the separation was going to be long term. (suppose to be a trial to stop the vicious cycle) I just smiled and laughed went on my way with the kids. Nice 180 actually.
I truly wish I had DB, DR, and this forum before we had to physically separate. I would have done lots of things differently. Oh well I didn't.
The toughest parts are the things I mentioned earlier in this thread. After I say goodnight to my kids at night I don't hear a peep from her at all. She does do small things here and there that give me hope (or more like mixed messages)
I'm trying to detach the best I can but man that is tough. You're trying to let go of someone you love but love her from a distance. You're trying to cater (for the kids sake) to her but not smother her. Trying to trust she won't let some snake of guy slither in when she is vulnerable. Accepting that everything is out of my control accept my own actions is so obvious but so hard to do. I've always worried about things I have no control of. I know this is a 180 area I need to work on. I think lots of people do actually.
Anyways I appreciate all the feedback. I'm not pursuing, being pleasant, staying busy as I can, but every day is a struggle. Oh yeah the last thing I'm trying to break is talking to any family members about the situation.
Giant tip. Delete your FB account. It was liberating and eliminated 75% of my anxiety.
S2 I know. I'm having a terrible day. A terrible week. Every time I think I'm getting stronger something happens to make me feel weak. Maybe because all of this is so new to me I'm in panic mode. Or the fact when I have to drop my kids off they cry saying they want to sleep over. I don't know the rules of starting a new thread. I'm a scatter brain right now. Hopefully in time that resides.
What ever it takes to work this out in yourself, NM... but you need to work through this angst, because that is when you can really get down to the heavy work of DBing and hopefully saving your M...
If this is showing up here, then it is definitely showing up elsewhere in your life and your W will know this and will be keeping her distance and unwilling to see you clearly and in a positive light...
