Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[whatisis]

Are you telling me that because she has a friend staying over who is going through a bad divorce she can't text you about plans the two of you have made for that weekend which she isn't planning on following through on? So, she just leaves you hanging! Give me a break. That's red flag stuff to me. Also, please don't talk about if you're ex wanted to come back to you with the ladies, it isn't happening so why even bring it up! Don't go there. I agree with G, go with your gut on this one...keep your powder dry! It's not looking for perfection to expect someone to follow up on arrangements. It's called asking for basic respect...considering she's done this before to you.

[SunFunOne]

I think you know in your heart that she is not right for you. Gabbysmom's point about custody was right on.
I always advise my daughter not to make plans too far ahead in a new R. The hockey game is more than a month off which keeps you hooked & with her son? No one wants to disappoint a kid. But you shouldn't even be meeting him yet. & why do you need to tell your ex? I never toldine about Josh -y dating life was none of his business.
This woman seems a bit in a hurry to make her presence known despite the fact there is little substance in the R. As Wii says - Red Flags abound.
Sorry to here about the work situation. How you pay for it (student loan or whatever) is none of ex's business either.
Education is never wasted & am in vestment in your future is a good one
Best wishes with all your decisions
Barb

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. The red flags are there. I'm trying to think of things from her position. She's obviously been unlucky in love, and I think she's looking for reasons not to trust me.

With good reason. You can see I'm ambivalent.

I get that.

My plan at this point is to live life as is. When I'm free, see if she's free. My friends like her. She fits in in this arrangement.

If she pushes for more -- like pushing me to announce to XW that we are dating -- and I'm not ready for it then I won't do it. This is all I have to give right now.

The kid thing is interesting. Her son is 14 and stuck in a small house with an aunt, an uncle, a mom and four nieces and nephews.

That would drive me up a wall if I were him.

Plus, I believe at 14 the child can choose who he wants to live with.

Still, it's another red flag.

I am formulating a pretty good plan on the school costs. It's a mix of using the money from the divorce and money from my 401(k) to pay for it.

I have to not chicken out. I'm ensuring I won't by already telling my daughters I'm going back to college. They will bug me if I don't follow through.

I'm launching another ambitious project at work though to keep myself mentally occupied and it caused me to go digging through old boxes looking for my athletic stats from high school.

I didn't find them, but I did find photos from my wedding. Small pity party for a couple of minutes, then some nice memories because it was good to see how beautiful XW was when we got married.

I'm biased of course. D12 lately is addicted to "Say Yes to the Dress" and she bugs me to watch. Hey, it's better than "Toddlers & Tiaras." Those parents should be jailed for child abuse. I digress, watching the wedding dress show I still haven't seen anyone as pretty as XW on our wedding day.

[whatisis]

Be careful, CTH. When you say she's been "unlucky in love" you are absolving her of the responsibility of her choices. Luck did not choose two alcoholic husbands, that's a pattern of choice. I'm not blaming her but saying when these things come up one must look at how those choices were made, we don't just end up with the same people over and over...we choose them.
Why would she demand you tell ex-wife that you're dating? What business would that be of hers? Is that something that new gf's commonly ask for? I don't have a ton of experience in these matters so I really don't know, but I'm guessing they couldn't give a sh@t. But I'm guessing it's you that has some need to tell ex-wife. Be clear on who has this need and why.
So hang in there, my man. It's always so complicated, isn't it!

[SunFunOne]

Hi C2H:

Wii makes some excellent points. I was going to say something similar last night ut I was too tired to write.

I'm concerned about her not having her kids. That's a huge red flag. I'm also wondering why your only real defence of her is that "your friends like her". Well - your friends aren't dating her. And friends only see what she portrays around them.

Anyway - I get the feeling that you already know that this one is over because of all the "ifs". It's easier to end it before it goes any further.

Hope things continue well with the girls and your school plans. Life is grand!

Barb
Ambivilant is not enough, my friend. You want someone who really makes you feel "over the moon". And if there are red flags - I'd say - run, not walk away from this one.

You have a good plan regarding your education and related costs. Maybe you'll meet someone at school. That's an excellent place to look.

Glad you had a good w/e with your girls.

[whatisis]

I just wanted to mention that if she has had two alcoholic husbands than she is most likely used to chaos. It's a lifestyle where one never knows what's coming next, you fly by the seat of your pants. Her sometimes unreliable behaviour can be a result of that kind of lifestyle. If you're going to be with her then why not set some boundaries with her, for example, tell her that it is important to you that she communicate when she can't make an outing or other plans and that it's ok for her to say she can't make it. Lastly, don't hang on to her just so that you have somebody, you're worth far more than that. A good man deserves a good relationship, don't settle for crumbs. Anyway, just some thoughts to share.

[ClingingToHope]

My brain is a muddled mess -- but perhaps this is a good thing. Perhaps this is the "rebound" relationship where I start to realize what it is I actually want from someone.

I have been pretty desperate to find someone. Now I have found someone who wants to be with me ... and I'm pulling away.

I just don't like complications and she's presenting me with several.

The latest is happening as I type. I have tonight free and her son is with her dad so we are going out and she WAS going to stay the night and go to church with me in the morning.

This is something we planned a few weeks ago and since I've been more and more ambivalent about the whole thing.

I am supposed to pick her up in an hour. She just texted me that her niece is getting baptised tomorrow and she wants to talk me into going to her sister's church tomorrow.

That doesn't feel right to me. I am not seeing a long-term future with this relationship and she wants me to do a family event.

So I texted back that I am not comfortable yet doing a family event.

She said fine.

I texted back that I didn't want to drag her to my church either. Is there a middle ground.

She responded that her niece wants her at the Baptism.

I texted back that perhaps she shouldn't stay the night then. That way she can just go to church with them.

She responded by saying she needs to be home at 9 p.m.

That's fine with me.

It just feels like she is continually testing my commitment. It's probably smart. I mean, with XW I jumped at the chance to meet her family. When Church_31 asked me to sit with her and her parents this summer I enthusiastically did so because I was really hoping she liked me as more than a friend.

Here? I don't want to get involved with her family because I don't think there's a future here.

Obviously, like the movie says, "I'm just not that into" her.

I'm trying to figure out why. My friends think I'm nuts and that she's perfect for me. People on here wonder why I'm dragging it out.

I'm worried part of it is me being shallow.

Another part is the "comfort" factor. I liked not having to worry about having someone to do something with.

I'm worried it's a pattern I learned from my dad. He didn't tell me who he was dating for several years and only did so because he was moving in with the lady.

[oldtimer]

It seems disturbing that you are having a sexual R with a woman for whom you show disdain and contempt. You don't even seem to like her. You don't love her.

Do you think she would share your bed if you were honest about your feelings for her? If not, you ought not be using her for sex, because that is what it amounts to if her willingness to have sex with you hinges on your not being honest.

[ClingingToHope]

Side note. XW finally dropped off some of the doctor bills for D9. They date back to April -- pre divorce.

Of course, medical bills are always difficult to read. I found a line that said Amount: -$30.

Looking at the varying levels the insurance paid on each, this looks to be the only consistent charge.

There are 12 of them so my half of $30 is $15 and the total is $180. So I texted that to XW on Thursday.

Today, she texts back:

"If that's what you will split then yes."

To me, that's irritating. It sounds like she feels like I'm underpaying.

So I text back: "Did I misread them? There's an amount line on each that says $30."

I've already sent her $15 for the first of the 12. No way am I paying it in one lump sum. It takes me nine paychecks to say $180. I'm going to chip away it.

[whatisis]

I've gotta agree with OT here, CTH. Aside from the morality of it, which she has covered, there's a practical reality as well. When you start banging somebody it brings in another complication and especially if you haven't been clear about what's going on. If you're both OK with it being a fun time, no attachments, no expectations then fine...I guess. But, if both parties aren't clear on what is happening here you're asking for problems. If she sees sex as commitment and you don't, it's an issue you don't need at this point.