Then one more item i'd like advice on. She just told me a little while ago that when we get back she wants me to move out. What am I supposed to do here? Just leave my kids because she wants me to? I'm stumped on this one.
Why would you leave the house? You don't want the divorce, she does ... she wants out, she should go IMO.
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
My thoughts exactly. This is her deal, and my focus is the kids. I'm getting better almost weekly at GAL, and getting them in that mix as well. I'll continue doing my best.
So we have been doing the sleeping arrangements with her in our bedroom and me on the couch. Not exclusively, there has been a week with it opposite, but mostly me on the couch. For the most part I really don't mind, but i'm curious what other's think about this. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't be more like, "the heck with her, she wants this, she can have the couch", but I don't know how well that would help DB'ing efforts.
We did the same thing. One night I just went into my bed and she freaked out and move into the living room and has been there for months. unfortunatetly she she stills uses our master bathroom but I am ok with that.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I guess I didn't update much about our trip last weekend. As I had hoped it started off very well. We were back in our element, in a place that holds a lot of good emotions for us. The first two days we had a lot of fun, almost like old times but obviously not quite. By mid day on Sat I could sense the pulling away, so i did the same as best i could. We already arranged dinner with friends but other than that i kept my distance as best i could given we're at the same event together and sharing an expensive hotel room. I had planned to leave with a friend for all of sunday, but she took off and walked the city on her own in the morning, killing a couple of hours and essentially sabotaging the day, as there was some work that needed to be done before i could go. That night, dinner and staying with friends before flying out on monday. That the real pull away saying she wished i'd move out when we got home. I essentially ignored that. I let her vent and a bunch of old stuff from the holidays, stuff we'd already talked about came up again. Nothing much I could say but the same apologies as before again. On the way to the airport, I kind of went off with standing up for myself to the inaccurate accusations on things she thinks i'm doing but i'm not. I'm trying to be as honest as possible, but i guess she'll believe what she wants to believe.
So fast forward to today, i've been trying to be dark, grey I guess since we're both focusing on the kids. But there's been no "good night's" or "good mornings". I'm responding when she talks, in kind but not initiating as best i can.
Yesterday as I went downstairs she was laying on the couch crying, i pretended not to notice, left my cup in the sink and went back to my office.
I've been to the doctor twice this week, physical and tests, and she's been quite nosy about that. I'm cleaning the snow off the car and she's asking me where i'm going. I don't ask her, bizarre she doesn't see the coincidence.
I think i'm doing the right things we'll see how the rest of the week goes.
So far feeling pretty good about myself this week. First time in a long time. Some meds and real sleep sure do make a difference. I'm trying to be happy all the time i'm in her presence and around the kids of course. She on the other hand is pretty short and even mean, when no one is watching that is. So trying to stay away when there's no one around, and just be happy and myself when there are others. It does get old though having her attitude and be short with me when asking the simplest of questions. Not sure how much of that i can take.
Arghh. Total backslide and totally let myself get sucked in. She says i'm not doing anything because we haven't sat down to talk about how we're going to split up our stuff. I tried telling her that i'm just not there yet and if that is a big issue for her that she can either just plan on having it, or make a list. I told her i'm just not focused on that, that i'm in a different place in this process than she is, and that i'm still focused on trying to figure out how we're going to tell and/or deal with the kids. She takes shots at me and I let it get me angry. Things escalate, and we ended up yelling at each other in the bathroom and her feeling like i'm not giving her space, yelling at me to leave her alone. I should have left minutes earlier. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. I guess it wouldn't be so hard if we just turn back the clock. If i'm moving along trying to DB, and focus on myself and be happy, the more frustrated she gets because she feels like nothing is happening. Each day she seems to snub me or be short with me, worse and worse and then we have one of these conversations. So I'm not understanding how to talk without talking about what she wants to talk about and when we do how do I avoid getting sucked in. It's so difficult.
if she is pushing for a decision and you have no lawyer, you say "I'm not ready to address all the details but I AM moving forward in my plans for a fulfilling life so don't worry that I'm stuck, b/c I'm not."
If she revises old stuff and it's NOT accurate, you can say
"Wow, w, I don't recall it that way but I"m sorry you were upset/hurt"...
this ^^ does not escalate and shows that you are open to her perception being accurate but for now, you just don't see it that way.
IF she brings up stuff that Is justified or where you screwed up, even if you have apologized before, say
"Well w, if I had it to do all over again, there's lots of things I'd do differently."
that also does not escalate and it shows your awareness of your need to change
but you're not being a doormat either. IF she continues on, you say, "I feel like I've said all I can say about the past. Now I'm focusing on my future and becoming the man I always wanted to become..."
and leave the area...Do NOT engage in more talk unless she is opening up.
Then gather data and validate, making good full eye contact and really listening to her...
but "decide" nothing you don't want to decide.
If she gets frustrated again, you remind her that you are "not standing in her way"...you're just doing YOUR thing to create a more fulfilling life for YOU and yours....
that is your job, after all. Would she really prefer you fall apart pining for her? You accept her choice (the more you challenge it, the more she'll defend it)
but you accept it in a way that shows regret--for your part in the past--and for her loss in the future.
B/c when you become a man only a fool would leave-
the man she always wanted you to become-
and she leaves anyhow...then she is a fool and it's her loss.
You don't "say" this...you radiate it. To do that, you have to believe it and to believe it, you have to DO it...
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Oh 25, those are excellent. I need you in a little hidden ear piece when the next conversation comes up. Thank you. I get the tactic as well, I'll have to think about other questions or thinggs she brings up to counter in similar ways.
And to the real point, I don't want to be the guy that was just up there making her feel intimidated, its not my intent but that doesnt change the fact that is how I came accross, that is how I made her feel. I don't like that guy, regardledd of how this turns out with her, I just can't stand that I made someone feel that way. I realise there are prob no quick answers on this one, but I suppose being aware of it is half the battle.
Any tips on dealing with the coldness that is there when the kids aren't there.
