IB you said this: "3 years ago I was living a nice, middle-class life. Now I am so far down I don't know if I will EVER make it up again. How did this happen???? (rhetorical)"
I have to tell you something. I get this entirely... I was putting my XH's and my money into this ever-growing retirement fund when he bailed. I felt like all we worked for was gone.
I have to tell you that since he IS gone, that when I get my statements from my mutual fund company, knowing that XH is paid off and cannot come back and take one more cent, that suddenly, the payroll contributions that I have made for over 10 years MEAN SOMETHING.
I have to say that being dumped has given me this extraordinary wakeup call, and an awareness of how what I put in, I can get out. It's so weird to me, that when I have extra money, I end up spending it ON MY HOUSE. I don't choose to spend it one me, but on my house. I think I appreciate the effort far more now than I would have when his income made it far easier to blow money left and right.
What I have noticed in general is that all the crap XH and I talked about doing to our property I am doing but without his income. I am taking chances that he and I never took even though we had so much more money coming in.
It's funny...I feel like MLCers are supercautious and then they crack and become super NOT cautious.
Maybe the thing that binds us all is that for whatever our faults are/were, we are people who more or less figure stuff out and are more logical and objective and reasoned about major life decisions....
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
OH and incidentally...I think that the whole divorce/MLC thing in terms of money going in to retirement can affect that dynamic for a few years...but it can't affect it FOREVER. Newbees need to understand that. There is a point when the divorce settlement reaches equilibrium and no more can be "lost" monetarily
For me it was one year, 7 months, though I think for some it drags on longer (we didnt' have kids).
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
IB I am never sure when people post [including me] whether they are venting, journaling reflectively or looking for some sort of input . . . All are good reasons to post
I don't think there is a 'right' or 'good' time for MLC. In my case my xh was older and my youngest was nearly nineteen. And I am a fair bit older than you, so little or no chance to really recoup financially. But i don't think in most cases it is really the material things [OK with a ton of debt it is very very hard] but what they represent. The trashing of our hopes and expectations.
Your h was out the door and divorced quickly. It is all still very raw for you. And you have the OW being paraded around like a prize goat. Ouch!!
I had a very tough few years with my youngest son, with him doing extremely risky and stupid things. He seems largely through that,[I hope] 6 years down the line, but I am fairly sure that his behaviour was driven by misery at the loss of his father. In fact he is now aware of this.
Like yours, my youngest had a near miss with death. It didn't cause an overnight change, but it gradually woke him up to the fact that life was good and he actually wanted to live it.
It is like walking through fog at present, and all we can do is to keep walking. Sometimes round in circles, but eventually our fog clears, and life is better. I can't say it will happen overnight, but given your courage and resilience you will get there sooner rather than later.
In some ways it is difficult that you have to see so much of your xh. Mine largely disappeared, and I see him very very rarely. In fact i will probably never see him again now we are divorced. [That process took years . . . ] My children do not want him in their lives, except on the periphery, and that largely because he is their father and they remember someone very different from who he is now [he seems to be the only one oblivious to the fact that thee changes he has made have not appeared to improve him in any way - he thinks it is because he is no longer trying to please everyone. Hmmm that was largely in his mind from my perspective].
I wish we could go and have a large coffee or drink somewhere. Virtual is good, but sometimes proximity is needed. hugs
TAMF, Antonia and Bea - Thanks for your posts. Sometimes I feel so lonely in this journey. This is an experience that cannot be described - truly only felt by those who have experienced profound loss.
I'm trying to keep looking forward. I want to find peace, love and happiness.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB, You have described this experience perfectly...it can't be described unless people have walked in our shoes. IB, until the raw/open wound has healed a bit, you may feel lonely and confused. It's a normal feeling. You may begin to feel differently when spring is in full bloom and you can get outside and enjoy the warm weather and your yard.
IB, I think you are too hard on yourself. You have done everything humanly possible and now it is in God's hands. Be kind to yourself and know that everything will fall into place when the time is right. Don't rush your healing process, allow the wounds to heal in their time and know that you are going to be okay. Yes, in time, you will find peace, love and happiness once again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It has helped me to think that often there are other equally difficult trials people go through that have nothing to do with marriage or infidelity but have to do with other things entirely that create the same feelings of "this is only happening to me" or "I'm alone in this journey."
Generally when I get caught up in feeling alone I try to imagine that in a room full of others that I can never really know what kind of nightmares other people are facing, and my empathy for their suffering, whatever it might be, helps me see that I have to, like Beatrice says, GIVE peace, love, and happiness.
There is a woman in my mediation group who is happily married--and yet her mother is dying slowly, and her mother is incredibly mean to her on top of it. I have another girlfriend who went through something similar--her mother is downright abusive verbally to her (and was physically abusive in her childhood) and calls her worthless and a bad mother. This friend is one of just two siblings, and her elder sister, who is a big flake, does nothing for the mother and gets all sorts of praise. So my friend is the one who drops everything she is doing every time her mother has yet another emergency room trip (and some of her problems are exacerbated by her psychological states) as her mother has no one else to help, but the end result is that then her mother just abuses her from the hospital bed. This friend is happily married and miserable because of the guilt and shame her mother puts on her and she lacks the strength to break out of the role she is in. She feels alone because none of the rest of her friends have crazy abusive mothers.
So most people have something going on that's isolating. For me, trying to focus on praying for them while praying to be more mindful of what is GREAT in my life is helping me to feel less depressed and isolated.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
IB, you know I have been telling you for a long time that you are so hard on yourself.
The way to get further along in the healing process is to accept what you feel.
Once you acknowledge that it is ok to feel overwhelmed and sad and angry, those feelings begin to lose power.
And then, when you are ready, and no one can tell you when that should be, you learn to let those feelings wash over you.
And soon, it becomes less intense and less often.
When you put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way according to some timeline you have in your head, you continue to hold onto those feelings.
So, keep moving forward. One day at a time. Keep looking within to figure out who you are and who you want to be.
Keep trying new things, learning new things, and remember that you do not have to do everything. You do not have to be superwoman.
It is ok to have bad days. It is ok to feel overwhelmed.
It is what you do with the feelings that make all the difference.
You are not defined by what your marriage was or wasnt for that matter.
While I know that this is not the life you envisioned, it can be a good life, a different one. This time you are in charge of how it unfolds. There is something really cool about that.
You all are awesome! In my mind I am working so hard - but I don't seem to be making much progress. How do you know what's being "too hard" on yourself and just expecting yourself to do the right thing?
Saw XH tonight at son's ball game. Will give him credit that he has not brought OW around since daughter had talk with him. It does make it easier. He took son to breakfast this morning and told him that he almost has all of his debt paid off and so he might be able to get son a car in the next month or so. REALLY? I'm ready to file bankruptcy but HE has been able to concentrate solely on himself and put all of his resources towards his debt. I have been dealing with life and kids and the sh*t he left unfinished behind. He looked lighter and happier tonight. Lucky him.
I want my turn...
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB, Maybe he has and maybe he hasn't gotten so close to paying off his debt. Take what he tells your son w/a grain of salt. Too many of them say this and make promises to help their children out and then don't. Many of them tell their children things just so that the news will be carried back to the former spouse.
IB, you are trying to do everything and be a superwoman. Take each day as it comes and look at your list and see what you can accomplish that day....don't try to do everything in one day. Also, please do not compare yourself to your xh.
Believe it or not, you have a far better life than he does at the moment. You have your family w/you who adore you, family, friends and a nice home. Your xh only has the ow and spends very little time w/his children. What you have is worth more than a brick of gold.
Carve out some time each day for yourself. Be it you sit down and have a nice cup of coffee, read, watch your favorite show, or a bubblebath...you owe it to yourself to do these things.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
