Everybody has told you what an amazing person you are and so am I telling you too. I wish I could be like you because I'm, more or less, in the same situation as you are. Except the fact I'm probably older than you are.There is life after a separation and let's hope it will be not a divorce. I cannot stay in a marriage just for the kids and without feeling I'm loved and appreciated. god bless you and your children.
Hey NB....Just catching up here. Sounds like you are in a good place...well, as good as you can be given the circumstances.
My 2 cents- I laughed at kml's suggestion with the Victoria Secret underwear etc....I guess I just wonder about the "staging" to make an impression. No guarantees, NOT that it might have some effect. So go get that sexy underwear anyway...right now, TONIGHT! Not for him, but for yourself.
I replay 2 scenes in my head where I confronted H and OW. If I had it to do over again, I imagine saying to him in front of her, "It's either me or her, you choose now." I imagine that because I still think to this day that she thinks he stayed for the kids and he "will always love her." Eye-roll! It just sticks in my craw.
IMHO I think staying in the basement is making it too easy for him. It's time for a big dose of reality. Getting divorced is expensive! He needs to know that. He'd be like that adult kid still living at home with the parents (failure to launch) and imagine that kid with an addiction. Time for your H to GROW UP!
I was cleaning out my e-mails today and came across the chat my H had with OW and how they were scheming to "run away" together. My H could never be away from his boys. I know that now, but it didn't factor in then. I really thought he was going to leave us all. Now 18-24 months out, I realize that if he had left his kids, he was not someone I would miss for long.
Stop thinking about his expenses and in effect "supporting" that A.
I'll be back now and again to see you. Don't just disappear, OK?
Now I need to find Abbs......
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
I am still here! H knows I met this other guy and hasn't slept or reacted well. I am traveling for work for a couple days and H is with the kids. He is saying how sad he is about the impact on them. But, still isn't saying he will give up the A.
If anything, I feel like I am ok whichever way this goes. I feel like I am seeing H start to crack a bit. I still feel like I need to see a major change in him to know I would want to work on things.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
My WAW acted the same way when she thought I was seeing someone else, even though she's in an A.
It's not so much a jealousy feeling on his part as it is a feeling of rejection because the affair is much more desireable when he thinks he can cheat and still have you as a backup option. But don't get ahead of yourself and start to date to make him jealous or he might grow closer to the OW and try to rub the A in your face to seem more desirable and put the taboo back into the A.
You can go out and still have fun being attractive and sexy but watch out for a few hail mary attempts on his part to keep you in the wings. And by that it could be anything from jealousy attempts, anger to get you to stop, grief and tears caused by guilt on his part, and the biggest being some reassurance that you are still his wife or still love him without any return investment on his part. Stick to your "maybe"s and "idk"s when that happens.
These little signs you're seeing are good signs. Baby steps really do add up to giant leaps.
Hi Nblost I was hoping we would hear from you. As they say, 'What is good for the goose is good for the gander'. Let him sit at home with the kids and think, and think, and think - letting his imagination run wild. I am sorry to say, but not saying he is willing to give up his A is a major slap in the face. I would tell him to go twist in the wind, personally. All the best and take care.
I feel like I'm in an insane world. Last Friday, I went on my third "date" with this new guy I met. H had taken our kids out of town for the weekend. I'll admit, I also had the attitude that I do not need to answer to H given we are "separated" and he has been going on vacations and dates for the past 6 months without telling me where he's gone a single time. Anyway, I turned my phone off and had a very nice time at dinner/drinks. Do I think this new guy is the man of my dreams? No, doubtful. Yet, he has strong values, is a great father, and thinks I'm a great person.
I was out very late and never turned my phone back on. When I turned it on at 9 am the following day...my phone was full of frantic messages from H. He had no idea where I was--75% of him was sure I was with another man and he was worked up over that...25% of him was truly worried. H didn't sleep all night. I told him I had been out with this other guy. H then admitted he knows who the guy is (he snooped on my phone) and he's researched him. H implied he knows something about this man that makes him nervous and he thinks I need to be very careful.
H then cut his weekend short with the kids and came home on Saturday night. He told me he was coming home, but showed up about 3 hours earlier than I would have expected. I think he was trying to catch me out on a date or something. (I wasn't)
H is saying he's really happy for me, but I can tell he's upset. He claims he always thought I'd love him more than anyone else in the world--but now that he knows I'm seeing someone else...he doesn't have that same view of me. (I'm thinking...if you really thought I loved you that much...having a six month affair is a funny way to show me respect and love!)
H was supposed to be at a guys weekend this weekend (near OW's city), but he's cutting this weekend short and coming home. He told me I could go on dates all weekend and he'll take the kids somewhere. I told him I don't care about dating. I was planning to be with the kids since he took them last weekend.
H is also thinking we'll tell the kids we're separating this weekend. We haven't planned that conversation at all and I think it will be tough...the kids haven't seen huge signs that we're having problems. When we talked further about separation and splitting...H reminded me that he isn't ready to talk about divorce yet. He has never wanted a divorce and I'm pretty sure he still doesn't. I think H is now more adamant about separation given I've met someone...but also, he still isn't saying he'll give up the A...so I want the separation too.
I need to be very careful and the last thing I want is for H to accuse me of having an affair on him. I've been very honest with this new guy and he also doesn't want to be a factor in whether or not my marriage ends.
I drove the high road for several months...it let H sit happily on his fence with a full plate of cake. Do I think I'm doing all the right things right now? No...I've definitely careened off the high road. But, I feel like things had to change.
I'm also still feeling like I'm on a bit of an emotional break by allowing myself to meet someone new and have a new friendship. However, I'm also not letting my new relationship with friends suffer and I need to keep GAL-ing.
That's the update...
M 43 H 45 D11, D8, D4 Married 12 years H in PA/EA since August 2011 I found out in September 2011, A hasn't ende
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
LOl - your H is such a predictable idiot. Wants to have his affair but gets all worked up at the idea that YOU might look elsewhere??? He's following the script to a T.
If he says anything more about it just remind him that HE has been the one having the affair while YOU suffered. That YOU are a woman with a lot of love to give and if HE doesn't want that love, you will move on and find someone who will. That YOU have honored your marriage vows and still are honoring them, but if he isn't willing to give up his affair, you will no longer consider yourself bound by them.
Then let him stew a bit more.
It's actually a positive sign that he's so jealous.
(Haha - once when my H was having an affair, we were driving somewhere and he had to answer my phone for me because I was driving. Then he started looking through the incoming calls and asking me about any unfamiliar numbers. HE was the one having the affair, but suddenly it occurred to him that maybe I could do the same? The numbers were all things like the auto mechanic calling me to say the car was ready etc. It was just hilarious to me though - like it had never occurred to him until that moment that what was sauce for the gander might be sauce for the goose. )
My "OM" lives less than a mile from our house too...so H knows he is close by.
Plus, I think H believes my new "relationship" is a lot more than it is (probably based on his crazy affair). I figure it's fine if his imagination is running wild. He told me he imagined I was up all night with "OM". :-)
I would never have wanted this to happen until now when I really feel like I was ready to be done.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
LOl - your H is such a predictable idiot. Wants to have his affair but gets all worked up at the idea that YOU might look elsewhere??? He's following the script to a T.
If he says anything more about it just remind him that HE has been the one having the affair while YOU suffered. That YOU are a woman with a lot of love to give and if HE doesn't want that love, you will move on and find someone who will. That YOU have honored your marriage vows and still are honoring them, but if he isn't willing to give up his affair, you will no longer consider yourself bound by them.
Then let him stew a bit more.
It's actually a positive sign that he's so jealous.
(Haha - once when my H was having an affair, we were driving somewhere and he had to answer my phone for me because I was driving. Then he started looking through the incoming calls and asking me about any unfamiliar numbers. HE was the one having the affair, but suddenly it occurred to him that maybe I could do the same? The numbers were all things like the auto mechanic calling me to say the car was ready etc. It was just hilarious to me though - like it had never occurred to him until that moment that what was sauce for the gander might be sauce for the goose. )
