Confused and alone

[Accuray]

I know sometimes it helps to understand the context of the people weighing in here. After a period of concerted DB'ing by me, my W agreed that she would be open to reconciling.

During that initial period, she would tell me almost daily that there was no guarantee that this would work and I needed to be prepared to live on my own. She told me that kissing me felt "bad", and that she wouldn't hug me and didn't want me to hug her.

She hurt me more than I thought it was possible to be hurt, and when I needed her most to help me heal, she gave me the "talk to the hand".

Although she said she was "open to reconciling", she was far from committed.

I eventually got to committed with her, but only through repeatedly demonstrating that my changes were permanent, my 180's were real, and my commitment to the marriage was "all in"

Accuray

[BklynMom]

""Why should you make it easy for him to come back without making him suffer? Shouldn't he have to apologize? Unfortunately, if you really want him back, then the answer for now is that you have to swallow it and make it easy for him to come back. Some people have a really hard time with this because you have to swallow your pride. It makes some people feel like a doormat.""

I love this ^^^^

And the next paragraph - the prize is getting the relationship back.

The LBS does 99% of the work. But we just need to do it, for our kids

[rickb89]

NH Mom from Rick in MA

I think you should talk to your H when he asks or offers to talk. If you speak from the higher self, truth and gently, you will have an opportunity to heal the rift. If there is a safe ground between you both then both of you can individually learn how you can be better as individuals and as a couple.

Don't let your anger and pain get in the way of a safe road back to M for you both.

[purgatory]

I think the LBS all want some version of 'revenge' or 'justice' to our WAS.... but you can't fight anger, resentment, rejection and hurt with more of them. Our only weapons are strength, humbleness, compassion, understanding and love. Bklyn is right, we (the LBS) have to do 99% of the work, but I think that we will be ther better person because of it.

At church last night, I heard a great quote. It's from a football coach, but it was applied to marriage:
"My job is to get them to do the things they don't *want* to do in order to make them the men they *want* to be." (Cowboys old coach, sorry don't remember his name. Said in regards to their superbowl win.)

I applied it to DBing like this: The LBS has to do the stuff we don't *want* to do (180's, keeping our mouth shut, acknowledging/accepting... basically all the HARD stuff) in order to get to where we *want* to be: reconciliation.

**Trust me, I am NO WHERE close to being comfortable with the hard work, but I know that's where I need to be.

[nhmom]

At this point I don't even want revenge. All I want is to be comforted and know that everything is going to be ok. And I want the comfort to come from H, but I know I am not going to get it. The hardest part of doing the 99% of work is not the work itself, but doing it by yourself. I am struggling with self-confidence and questioning my strength and ability. I feel like I am on the verge of breaking down. I've been feeling more and more anxiety in the last couple of days. I feel like a crazy person because I always have a voice in my head trying to calm me down, keep reminding me of DBing.

I keep thinking how I would have reacted if H would have told me the truth in the beginning instead of making up a fake story. I think I would have lost it. In a way, I am "glad" that he did lie to me then, it gave me a chance to find DB and start IC. It gave me a chance to learn the tools necessary to keep myself together. Even though I know about these tools now, it is still so hard to actually use them and stay in control. Is it strange to be glad that he lied? In a way, his lies bought me time to learn how to handle the situation. I still don't know how to handle things, but I have a little more guidance than I did before.

I had asked H to try to come home earlier last night so that I could go to Zumba and he did. Shortly after I was back H was off to soccer, but ended up staying out at the place until 11 even though his game was over at 9. I know he likes to stay a bit after to hang out with the guys and have a couple of beers. I was somewhat irritated by it (old me - and I would have normally said something about that, but this time I didn't). I actually called him at 11 to find out when he was coming home as my sister's plane was coming in early and I needed to go out and get her, and it was also snowing. Since it was close to her landing time and H was already out, he offered to pick up my sister from the airport. I know he was dreading facing her. He knows that my sister knows about our sitch, though he doesn't know how much she knows. It must have been very hard and uncomfortable for him to face her, and he probably felt ashamed. I thought H would "offer" my sister to sleep in bed with me and he would sleep on the couch as he had to get up very early to catch his flight. I was surprised that he decided to sleep in bed. I had a hard time falling asleep. I was feeling anxiety creeping up and wanted to wake him up and confront him. It was so hard to hold myself back. Then, in the middle of the night I reached out for his hand for whatever reason, I think it was a reflex or something. H took my hand and held it for a few seconds, then let go. I don't know if it was reflex for him as well. I am glad that he's out of town for a few days. I found out from our friend that OW is not going on the trip. That made me feel a little better, but I doesn't keep him from writing or talking to her. I don't know if being away from me makes him feel "free".

I'm having such a hard time not obsessing with OW. I feel like if the kissing was a one time thing and he truly regretted it, then maybe I wouldn't be quite as devastated. But knowing that he's fallen for her, that he is considering leaving me for her, that is so hard to accept. I'm feeling so down right now and my heart is truly aching.

[nhmom]

Another thing that was kind of heartbreaking last night was S4 was trying to pull H and me close together to do a family hug. H was uncomfortable and started smiling. That hurt. I didn't know what to do or say to S. I said to H "is it so hard to hug me?" and then he leans in sideways. I said "that's how you hug your mom", and then he tried a little harder. That interaction made me really sad. S is trying for his parents to like each other and he senses that the love is absent. S used to come between H and I whenever H hugged me because he felt a little jealous. Now, S is trying to get his parents together. A few days ago S noticed that I looked a little said and asked me "are you sad because daddy won't hug you?" That almost made me cry. It breaks my heart thinking what the sitch is doing to S and how he will have to suffer for the rest of his life.

BklynMom - you're right, we need to keep fighting, especially for our children!

[purgatory]

(((nhmom)))

I am right there with you with the anxiety and the oncoming breakdown...

I'm glad that you have your sister with you. Hopefully her presence will bring a comfort and sense of peace to you. It will be easier to relax with H gone for a while.

I can't stop obsessing about OW as well. 25 has made some great posts on my page about what to do with OW thoughts, check them out- they might help you too. (too long to re-post here.) Basically, I've adopted the mantra that she isn't worth my time and efforts to think about. She is a coward and an opportunist.

I can only imagine how your heart breaks when you hear S4 talk about you and his daddy. My S6 hasn't said much, but he's knows something is different and has started acting out a school... I've tried talking to him, but he doesn't open up. In a weird way, it's good that S4 says those kinds of things and encourages a 'family hug' while H is around- he should *see* what his decision is doing to his son. The WAS has a fantasy in their head of how things will work out when they leave- when he sees S4 get upset-it's a harsh reminder that his fantasy life won't happen.

I really wish I had more to offer, unfortunately, you and I seem to be on similar paths at the moment. I know it's not much, but just know that you have a bunch of 'strangers' who are looking out for you and want to see you through this.

[BFloat]

((nhmom))

i've caught up on your thread.

it's really hard to think about the kids. i wonder how H can be so blind at what he's doing to them. but, i figure eventually he'll have to look within himself and really examine his decisions. until that day.. what is there left to do but to be strong for our babies? (wow.. i was about to say try and be strong but i can't try.. i have to be!)

we're here for you.

[Accuray]

nhmom,

I've been there WRT affection in front of the kids:

I said to H "is it so hard to hug me?" and then he leans in sideways. I said "that's how you hug your mom", and then he tried a little harder. That interaction made me really sad.

I'm sure you realize you were shaming H with that exchange. "Shaming" is like poison to a man -- check out "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It", it discusses the physiological impact of shaming at length. In short, it releases "cortisol" in H's brain which makes him feel physically uncomfortable. It's nature's "fight or flight" response -- it's purpose is to make H uncomfortable so he will do something different to change the situation. Most "domestic" men's reaction is to retreat / withdraw so they don't have to face more shame.

In situations where your S is trying to make the two of you physical or affectionate with each other, and you *know* that's going to make H uncomfortable, your job is to "relieve" H for now, and change the situation up so he's not trapped. Redirect S -- distract him, or do something different that H will be comfortable with (family high-5's).

I know that sux, but as you point out, it is important to shield S as best you can from what's going on. Once again, if you're shaming / pursuing H, he will flee.

Obviously, for S's sake, H *should* have hugged you -- that's weak and cowardly not to. Given what you know however about H's state of mind, you need to take the initiative for now and be the stronger parent.

WRT anxiety, it's a killer! Eventually I couldn't take it and I went to my GP and asked for anti-anxiety meds. I got a prescription for Lorazepam without much argument. I know quite a few folks in your sitch have used that to help -- it can help you feel less anxious, but it's by no means a cure-all.

Finally, WRT H's lies giving you some relief, know this: you are stronger than you think, and you can cope better than you think you can. The shock is always the worst. H has probably been deliberating for months, but you need to catch up overnight, it's brutal!

Good luck nhmom, this is very hard, but you're doing well! Pat yourself on the back for what you've been able to accomplish and for how well you're keeping it together. You're moving mountains already.

Accuray

[rickb89]

Purg - Tom Landry or Jimmy Johnson?