My h was never married to my SS19's mom. They were together in high school, but didn't last once he went off to college. He did tell me that she wanted everything her way and was controlling.
I also need some advice on detaching when we live in a smallish 2 bedroom condo. I got tired of having to sit in our bedroom watching the 22-inch TV while he got to sit in the living room with the 32- inch. So I've been in the living room too. There doesn't seem to be a way to really detach and not seem rude or cold when we have to share this little space.
Any advice on how to handle living with your spouse and they are still seeing the OP? She doesn't live near us but they are still communicating via Twitter and phone, and probably email.
Weekend was ok. Spent lots of time watching TV with H. (I've seriously got to get a bigger TV in the bedroom) I know I need to detach, but don't want to seem like I'm moping in my room either.
He's being extra nice (cooked dinner Friday night, bought my favorite snacks to ride out the ice storm this weekend, and helped me clean my car off after the storm Saturday morning). We've had some good laughs together, but everything seems superficial. I'm probably over analyzing again, but that's what I do - to myself anyway. We were both in our separate corners (me on our small couch, he on the long one), and mine was extremely uncomfortable. He told me to come sit beside him so I could be comfortable. We both fell asleep. No cuddling, but it did seem like old times. We used to spazz on this couch all the time.
He's still sleeping on the couch at night. Is it crazy that even though we haven't been intimate in MONTHS, I want him even more now? (Maybe because I found out he's giving it to someone else? Which makes me dislike myself even more for how I've treated him.)
Had a rough morning today. Couldn't stop crying while I was getting dressed. The grief seems to hit me when I least expect it. I managed to get myself together, but whew...for a few moments I just wanted to crawl back into bed.
My sister and brother are coming up for the weekend on Friday. Not sure how this will play out. We haven't told any of the family yet, so hopefully he won't choose this weekend to feel we need to do so. Not sure I can handle it yet.
This whole moderation thing consistently keeps my thread off the first page. GRRR!
Anyway, I went back to kickboxing after 2 weeks off. I know I have to GAL, or at least continue the one I have. Today was an ok day, but saw a music video that had me bawling AGAIN! *sigh* Here I was having a great time watching VH1 Soul dancing by myself. Then Jill Scott's "Here My Call" came on. I had purposely avoided the radio and music channels the past two weeks to avoid this kind of episode.
Anyway, I had yet another heart wrenching cry. (They seem to be getting more gut wrenching and animal like. STRANGE) I'm ok now. Just going to take a shower, read some and head to bed. Long day tomorrow.
Reposting this since I think this got caught up in moderation before: Any advice on how to handle living with your spouse and they are still communicating the OP? She doesn't live near us but they are still communicating via Twitter and phone, and probably email.
I asked this question before about detaching and going dark, but still haven't quite figured it out. If the WAH's complaints were about not getting enough attention, feeling left out and like the enemy, how should detaching and going dark work? Should I even go dark?
I wanted to share something with you that I discovered as I went through my divorce. I used to watch television ALL the time. I was dependant on it for all of my entertainment. Why don't you ask your h to go for a walk with you instead of just watching tv? Or maybe go take a dance class...There are so many things out there that are ACTIVE that can help you have fun and not just sit on a couch. I have lost over 65 pounds so far and love it! Now, I STILL watch TV. I DVR the shows I like and watch them when I have time. My ex and I used to watch TV all the time together but it wasn't quality time together.
Sorry you find yourself here but it does sound like you may be in a better position than some of us. Your H still seems to be engaging w/ you and willing to spend some time together.
My H and I use to spend a lot of time together sitting in front of the TV watching movies. We were together but totally disengaged as one of use would be on our phone and the other would be doing something else at the same time. What a mistake.
Brian suggested taking dance classes. H and I had done that in better times and we had a blast! Even talked about taking more classes together but we never did.
Go have fun if you are able to with H. If not, go yourself and maybe he'll want to join you then.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
I wrestled with the same question, if your spouse's criticism was historically not enough quality time, then is GAL / detach the right thing to do?
The short answer is "yes", and here's why: H is effectively detached himself. He's trying to keep a "safe zone" of emotional space. If you pursue him, you compress his safe zone and he has to retreat to maintain it. If you push him away further by pursuing, you're going to have to regain every inch later.
Here are a few things to consider:
Reading your situation, lack of attention was probably not the only complaint H had about the marriage. You reference the fact that you treated him badly. Do you understand the list of issues that he had with the marriage? Part of DB is understanding that list, coming to terms with whether or not they would be problems for anyone, and deciding to address those things for you. "180's" are practices where when you have an opportunity to exhibit one of those historic bad behaviors, you do the opposite. If you used to complain, you support, if you used to control, you step back, etc. These 180's are far more important than paying attention right now. If you detach but knock your 180's out of the park and are able to effectively GAL, H will come looking for you versus waiting to be pursued.
It also looks like H has been pursuing women outside the marriage since you were dating and throughout your marriage. Is this the same woman, or different women? Why is H doing that? Do you have a theory? If H is a serial cheater, I would guess you've had trust issues, and that may have motivated some of your bad behavior.
One book to read is "The 5 Love Languages" by Chapman. It will help you understand how to make H feel loved, because the way to appeal to H is probably much different than what makes you feel loved. You need to be able to understand the difference and work with it. IMO it's a critical piece of knowledge.
Finally, I think you need to step back and come to terms with your situation. If H says he's done and there is OW involved, there is no quick fix here. Nothing you say or do on any given day is going to have an immediate and measurable effect.
As humans, we like simple cause and effect relationships -- if I do A, I get B. Humans are terrible with long feedback loops and complicated systems, and that's what your relationship is. Therefore you need to work on a lot of things over a long period of time, then you'll start to see results all at once, but it will take much longer than you expect.
As long as OW is involved, you will not be able to draw H closer to you. All you can do is tread water and not make things worse. OW needs to run it's course while you, in the meantime, improve yourself and consequently become a more attractive partner. The better you can do this, the shorter OW's shelf life may be. That said, I challenge you to find a single situation on this board where the LBS was able to say or do anything to get their spouse back once OM/OW was involved. If you look around, the progress never starts until that relationship is over.
H needs to know that (1) you want to save the M, (2) you own the difficulties that you brought to the relationship, and (3) you are committed to becoming a better person for your own good. Once H understands that, your pursuing is done. You can't point out any of your progress, you can't tell him about all the ways that you've changed. You just have to do it and assume he will notice. It's only be repeatedly demonstrating change over and over again that it becomes credible. Talking about it does nothing.
Here's the good news -- OW isn't a real threat. That relationship is based on fantasy. It's not about OW, it's about the issues you had with your M. H's dilemma is not you or OW, it's do I stay or do I go?
You want to demonstrate that you are the kind of wife that only a fool would leave, so "going" would be a really bad decision.
How do you do that?
-- Be responsible for your own happiness -- don't make H think "he's doing this to you and making you feel badly". "Act as If" everything is OK.
-- GAL -- do things that make you a fun and interesting person to be around. The joy you take from your GAL activities makes you interesting and that is infectious
-- 180 -- make H wonder if he really knows the real you. Make him call into question all the assumptions he holds about how you'll react.
I definitely don't think that sitting in separate rooms watching TV is a good place to be right now. You can "give space" while watching TV together if you don't talk about your relationship, your feelings, etc. Keep it light and topical. Alternately, while H is watching TV take the opportunity to go out and do something interesting. Get a life going outside the house. Make H wonder what you're up to.
Good luck RoRoinMD, GAL and detach are definitely the right things to do right now despite H's historic concerns about "not enough attention". More attention right now will sabotage your efforts.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Brian & BF - Seriously doubt dance class would be an option right now. Just don't think he'd go for it yet. And its dark by the time I get home, so the two of us walking is out. Keep coming with ideas though. Maybe a cooking class?
quote=Accuray]Hi RoRoinMD,
Reading your situation, lack of attention was probably not the only complaint H had about the marriage. You reference the fact that you treated him badly. Do you understand the list of issues that he had with the marriage? Part of DB is understanding that list, coming to terms with whether or not they would be problems for anyone, and deciding to address those things for you. "180's" are practices where when you have an opportunity to exhibit one of those historic bad behaviors, you do the opposite. If you used to complain, you support, if you used to control, you step back, etc. These 180's are far more important than paying attention right now. If you detach but knock your 180's out of the park and are able to effectively GAL, H will come looking for you versus waiting to be pursued.
Yes, I understand the list of issues my husband has with me and how I treated him in our marriage: - My tone when talking to him - He took it as talking down to him and made him feel like the enemy - Not greeting him upon entering the house - This is a big thing for him. He told me it had him not wanting to be intimate with me. (YIKES!) - He also told me I was too wound up, and never seemed to have fun for real. Which I am not surprised about. I am. Always have been. But for the last 6 months I've been walking around on egg shells trying to figure out what was going on with us. So I think that's where this is coming from. Trying to relax and have fun a little more now.
It also looks like H has been pursuing women outside the marriage since you were dating and throughout your marriage. Is this the same woman, or different women? Why is H doing that? Do you have a theory? If H is a serial cheater, I would guess you've had trust issues, and that may have motivated some of your bad behavior.
I do not have a theory on this. I do know his dad is a womanizer, not sure about his stepfather. He doesn't have a relationship with his dad after an incident about a year ago, but I can see his dad's past behavior written all over this. His dad high tails it when things get rough. At home, at work, with his son. He's the expert in going dark when he's in the hot seat. LOL I know he misses him, but refuses to contact him or anything.
Yes, there are trust issues, but they go way back to my own dad leaving my sister and I, and previous relationships. My dad and my mom don't have the greatest relationship and its affected me my WHOLE life. I was also sexually abused when I was a kid, and no one in my family outside of my H knows. I was in couseling last year, but recently stopped going. I'm trying to decide if I want to go back. It was helpful, but not sure if I want to go back to the same one.
One book to read is "The 5 Love Languages" by Chapman. It will help you understand how to make H feel loved, because the way to appeal to H is probably much different than what makes you feel loved. You need to be able to understand the difference and work with it. IMO it's a critical piece of knowledge.
I have this book at home, and will reread it.
Finally, I think you need to step back and come to terms with your situation. If H says he's done and there is OW involved, there is no quick fix here. Nothing you say or do on any given day is going to have an immediate and measurable effect.
As humans, we like simple cause and effect relationships -- if I do A, I get B. Humans are terrible with long feedback loops and complicated systems, and that's what your relationship is. Therefore you need to work on a lot of things over a long period of time, then you'll start to see results all at once, but it will take much longer than you expect.
I think I have come to terms with my situation. That to me doesn't me I have to accept it. I am standing for my marriage as God wants me to do. But I am willing to accept it quietly, for a while at least. (Which is a definite 180 for me, and has freaked him out a little I think!)
As long as OW is involved, you will not be able to draw H closer to you. All you can do is tread water and not make things worse. OW needs to run it's course while you, in the meantime, improve yourself and consequently become a more attractive partner. The better you can do this, the shorter OW's shelf life may be. That said, I challenge you to find a single situation on this board where the LBS was able to say or do anything to get their spouse back once OM/OW was involved. If you look around, the progress never starts until that relationship is over.
I am expecting this to be a long haul. Detaching & treading water I know will be my issues. I just need to find the balance of detaching without being cold. I normally don't do that well. When I detach, I'm usually gone. Which I think I've done in our marriage without intending to do so, so that may be a whole other issue now that I think about it. I have been gone. *sigh* The things I'm learning about myself.
H needs to know that (1) you want to save the M, (2) you own the difficulties that you brought to the relationship, and (3) you are committed to becoming a better person for your own good. Once H understands that, your pursuing is done. You can't point out any of your progress, you can't tell him about all the ways that you've changed. You just have to do it and assume he will notice. It's only be repeatedly demonstrating change over and over again that it becomes credible. Talking about it does nothing.
I have told him that I want to save our marriage, and that I own up to my own issues and how they have affected us. I also told him I've already started on the road to becominga a better me.
Here's the good news -- OW isn't a real threat. That relationship is based on fantasy. It's not about OW, it's about the issues you had with your M. H's dilemma is not you or OW, it's do I stay or do I go?
You want to demonstrate that you are the kind of wife that only a fool would leave, so "going" would be a really bad decision.
How do you do that?
-- Be responsible for your own happiness -- don't make H think "he's doing this to you and making you feel badly". "Act as If" everything is OK.
-- GAL -- do things that make you a fun and interesting person to be around. The joy you take from your GAL activities makes you interesting and that is infectious
-- 180 -- make H wonder if he really knows the real you. Make him call into question all the assumptions he holds about how you'll react.
I definitely don't think that sitting in separate rooms watching TV is a good place to be right now. You can "give space" while watching TV together if you don't talk about your relationship, your feelings, etc. Keep it light and topical. Alternately, while H is watching TV take the opportunity to go out and do something interesting. Get a life going outside the house. Make H wonder what you're up to.
Good luck RoRoinMD, GAL and detach are definitely the right things to do right now despite H's historic concerns about "not enough attention". More attention right now will sabotage your efforts.
Accuray [/quote]
I do have activities that I do outside the house (Curves, Kickboxing), but with it being winter, there's not much to do after dark around here unless I want to go to Happy Hour every night - Umm no, especially when I have to get up and be at work the next day. I have bible study on Wednesdays, which I am making myself go to from now on. Its hard to even get out of bed these days, much less have fun after work, when all I want to do is bury my head under the covers.
I am on Meetup, so maybe I will find some new things to do on the weekends. I did tell my H that I was planning on going Ziplining as soon as it got warm outside. (Total 180! I'm normally a wimp. He had his look of mild amusement on his face. LOL)
