Learning as I go

[tested metal]

I am also starting to feel like I am going through MLC!

I have noticed myself changing positions lately about how I feel about this whole sitch and then changing them again. I feel so confused and bewildered.

I just feel like I am in quicksand right now. i want to get moving, but the more i more the more I feel like I'm sinking.

[Kimmerz]

Hi Tested!
was just reading through your thread! In regards to dreams of anger towards the OW/OM... in my case OW....heck I don't dream about it, I've had those thoughts fully awake! And I still have them. Nothing would give me more self satisfaction than to deck them both! Will I do it, of course not.

Don't be afraid of those emotions you're working through. Feel them, and have them. If you're dreaming these things, you're processing all the emotions in this situation. This is part of our journey in healing and getting through to the other side of this horrific mess, so just allow it.

I remember a few months ago I was really disturbed over the anger I was experiencing at stbx and ow. By nature Im an easy going person, positive attitude, level headed, good sense of humor and pretty diplomatic. How on earth could I have such angry thoughts? OH...but I did. MY IC told me that it was very important that I let these emotions surface, sort through them, and feel them for it was the only way through. To own these emotions. So I did just that. Wow...it was/still is an experience. I've learned so much about myself by allowing these emotions to surface, pay attention to them and ask why Im feeling the way I do.

This has also helped me make some changes in my behavior that I now know might've helped during the marriage. That was my reactions to stbx, and his off the wall behaviors. My problem would be to dive in deep and get way too emotional, heck even clinical when he'd spew at me. I'd take every criticism and address it and defend it to him. Well all that did was give us circular arguing, going no where real fast.

Now, I've learned to just listen, and address the sitch accordingly. When addressed I keep it as simple as I can. What really seems to possibly have helped us start communicating now is that I don't give into the spew. I won't argue with him. I don't ignore him, I let him know he's heard, and I validate, but I do not roll over and let him walk all over me either. One thing that seems to turn him around when spewing is to ask " Why are you acting this way? Where is your rationality?".

You'll start to feel better with time. I was feeling really horrible too for a few months, lost 20 pounds, couldn't sleep, and was spacey at work too. Now Im feeling alot better, am now eating again so darn it here comes that 20 pounds back, and am focused at work again.

It'll come...remember to love yourself through this. I swore I never would start to feel better and that I was destined to be miserable the rest of my days. Well I am feeling better, still struggle with the heart ache too. But my wounds have started to heal, yet still tender when provoked.

[tested metal]

(Huge Sigh)

I just learnt today that W has not been paying for D's medical bills as per our verbal agreement (I cover insurances for the both of them). So now they have been to a collection agency and they have the debt in MY name only. I paid $2000 in past medical bills to them because of this stuff and told the agency to bill the rest to her. The account was in her name to begin with!

It looks like I am going to have to get a SA, but I don't know how I am going to afford it with finding newer bills every month! I will find a way though.

My mantra has been that I will not pay for anything that I don't want or need, but it looks like I need a SA to protect myself. I am pretty sure that W will use that to steamroll it into a full D, but that is out of my control.

As for myself I have had very little contact with W for the past 2 weeks. The schedule regarding our D has been set and we are sticking to it. W has not tried to contact me in the last week. Half of me is concerned but the other half says the he&^ with her.

I have been feeling little stress until now when the bill came. I have been going out with friends and meeting new people. I have been feeling great and have learned a ton about myself in the past month.

I am continuing to work on my listening skills with everyone else around me. I realized that being the social butterfly and life of the party that I am, that this is part of my personality, but now that I am aware of it, I am hopeful to make a conscious effort to make listening a priority and wear off the edges of the non-attractive parts of the personality. This is for me and me alone!

[Kimmerz]

Hi Tested,

Sorry to hear about the medical bills.

Sorry to say it goes with the territory as well.

Im glad you feel like socializing and going to parties. Im finally to that place, but have no where to go!

If she uses it as an excuse to go full blown D then she does. A touch of a feather makes the MLCer flip their lid. I know, I've been living through it. Their pretty impulsive and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Believe me their impulses catch up with them.

[tested metal]

I had a talk with our friendly collection agency agent today and was told that no matter if we are divorced and had an agreement regarding payment of medical bills, I would still be responsible if W decided to shirk her responsibility of paying them.
The good news is that although I am legally obligated to make sure the medical bills are paid, she is the "primary person" on the account so she would only be hurting her credit and not mine.

I am probably going to have to notify the clinic to send all medical bills my way to make sure they are paid as I don't want to land in legal trouble and they won't be sent to collections.

Last night I had a very hard night. After finding out about the collection agency debacle, I got really restless and had to go out for the night. I realize that I was trying to distract myself from the impending loneliness that I was feeling. I really just wanted to make small talk with anyone (how sad).

Today after dropping off check to daycare and seeing daughter, I broke down and cried for 15 min. This week is W's week to have her for 4 out of the 7 days and I haven't see D for 3 days. I miss her greatly. I think the loss of this all is really starting to hit me, but I need to sit with it and work through it. Going out is only avoiding it and is not being productive because I am ending up drinking a lot and I don't want to develop a problem.

I thank you all for your support because you are all about all I got right now as friends and family are all miles away.

[Kimmerz]

Hey Tested,
Just wanted to let you know, the best way through is just to let that wave of emotion hit, and ride it out. It's so hard when the kids are gone during a time like this. I found it was my kids that helped me through this the most, just because I know they love me. It's can be pretty lonely when their gone.

For however long it takes, let it hit and ride it out. You're right. Sit and work through it. I know for me I'd have waves that would hit me and I'd be in a funk for hours, or days at a time. I was grieving so. I still have moments, but feel Im finally at acceptance.

It was living through my darkest and lonliest hours that I received the best gift. I learned that I would be ok being alone.

Im sorry you're having a bad night, because I've been there and done that for months and months. I know how bad it hurts.

[Rick1963]

Hey tested. I was curious about your stich because we have our professions in common. I read some of your post and you are in a real rollercoaster. Sorry you find yourself here. My sitch is a bit different mine was self induced, mostly.

IMO going out is a good thing. You can always put aside an hour or two of day as worry times or work on me times. But I don't think worrying all day long is healthy for you or D. I have started new habits that are healthy and do them when I feel dispair. Can you find things that you may like and never done before. i.e I hit the bay and look at the ocean while I read post from this board. I has become a weekend routine. i would be careful about the drinking but you know that.

Yes this can happen to anyone. Hang in there

[tested metal]

Thanks for the suggestions!

The sadness hits me when I am at home alone and D is not there. Even though she is only 1.5 yrs. old she is the closet thing to family I have around so seeing her face and playing with her eases the pain.

I need to do more things that are productive, but I find myself procrastinating and doing things more fun, like going out.

I need to start focusing on making a budget, getting financials in order, losing weight and getting more in shape... basically getting life prepared to move on.

I have been detatching pretty well. W is entering my mind less and less, but not having D around is pretty hard.

[Rick1963]

tested I have not read everyone of your threads. So I will ask you some stuff. Are you seing a C, have you attended any groups,do you have any other human contact, have you joined a gym? I attend a divorce care group and the church that hostes it has a financial course. Maybe you can look into doing something similar. In regards to medical bills if they are hospital based you can make small payments they usually agree to work with patients. Also look into charity care. Just throwing stuff out there.

[tested metal]

I am not seeing a C because I can't afford it. I have some friends that I see but they usually are working when I have time off.

As for the hospital bills, I am in the process of getting D's bills sent to my address since W apparently will not pay them and just lets them go to collections. I have a good standing with the collections people and the hospital, it's just that this debt was ran up so much and W hid it from me.

As for charity care, I make too much money, but have too much debt so there is no help there. I work with financial counselors who have looked at my finances and said that I need to have more income, because I have basically cut about as much "fat" off my budget as I can. Even when I go out with friends, I don't drink much or the friends are buying the drinks.

Most of my debt is in student loans and I am working my way to getting those forgiven, but it will take 6 to 7 years. If I get a job with the NHSC, it would be paid in 2-3 yrs. but there are no jobs in the area. I already work 2 jobs and I can't work anymore if I want to actually see my D.

As for a gym, I can't afford that right now, but I am trying to work out at home and at times even using free passes that are given from work, when I can.

I am involved in my church about as much as I can be at this time. Basically I am pretty busy except for the few times like the last night when I had time to think about it and I was alone.

I am sorry. I am not making excuses, just explaining the situation. I am trying to do what I can though to meet new people and to afford a gym membership.