Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[GH31]

H called from OW's city yesterday and was "friendly". I had written him an email before he left for his 10-day trip to express some of my feelings. He said he appreciated the note and would respond.

Good.

I am feeling "extremely" detached. Probably detached to the point where it isn't really how I feel. My H believes we turned a corner last weekend and I have changed. I think that is true.

Good. Keep the changes in place, and stay as detached as you can. Getting detached in the first place is a process, not an event.

I feel like I would still work on our marriage and I want to keep our family together...but H would need to completely end the affair and beg me to try again.

GOOD.

I agree...given how long his affair has gone on and how ridiculous he's been...I think this is how I should feel.

It is precisely how any human being with a functioning brain feel after they have experienced what you have.

Stay strong NB.

[Nblost]

Thanks GH, I agree and am still feeling detached.

I think for me, I've been processing since July and kept getting knocked back by waves of increasing craziness by H. I think the holidays were my line in the sand and I just really couldn't keep living how I was living.

Meeting this new guy was like a gift. I'm not in the mood for a new relationship, but I think the little boost I needed was to have someone interested in me as a person who is genuinely nice. The contrast to my H just showed me why I don't want to put up with his A anymore. (I guess the good and bad news is that a cheating spouse sets the bar really low for someone new!)

I'm glad I tried DB-ing and I guess I'm still doing it on some level (I think I've gone dark)...but, I really no longer care if it works if H doesn't change.

I think everyone has their own line in the sand and maybe some people can live like this indefinitely. For me, life is too short. I also think that there's a chance that things have to change and be shaken up for the A to ever end.

I'm still hurting inside, but am getting to a more peaceful place.

[kml]

So - if this is your line in the sand - what are you doing about it? Will you tell H he can't come home until he's done with the OW? Make him stay in a motel when he comes home?

He may need a dose of reality now.

[Nblost]

We had a counseling session last week and discussed that. H will take the kids away the next two weekends he has them (he has things to take them to for various reasons). So, he has about a month to figure things out.

Our counselor liked the idea of me letting him stay in the downstairs bedroom if he's only home a couple weekends a month. I didn't like it at first, but as we talked, I realized I could potentially do it for awhile. The only problem is then I don't get my own space and time on the weekends and he can monitor what I'm doing.

The hotel thing is definitely an option but I'm sure would get old for the kids after awhile. (fun in a way, but they wouldn't have their toys or friends) H said he could also potentially get a place. The issue with that is that we live in an expensive area (very expensive) so H would pay a lot of his/our money for something he wouldn't use much.

This was the same session where H declared he still doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't want a divorce.

The whole thing may eventually point to how unsustainable this whole situation is...but hard to know which way things would fall.

Sadly, what is going to come through the most is how much H's job and new relationship are meaning that he is abandoning his kids.

[kml]

Our counselor liked the idea of me letting him stay in the downstairs bedroom if he's only home a couple weekends a month. I didn't like it at first, but as we talked, I realized I could potentially do it for awhile. The only problem is then I don't get my own space and time on the weekends and he can monitor what I'm doing.

Hmmm...this COULD work to your advantage. Picturing H in the basement bedroom, you going out in the evening and not coming home until VERY late. Brand new sexy Victoria's secret undies hanging up to dry in your bathroom. Staging the house so that he gets to wonder what you've been doing while he's gone.

Maybe even going out with a girlfriend and calling him later to let him know you're going to stay over at her house that night.

Note - I'm not saying to actually DO anything - just get out there and have some fun and let him wonder who might be dancing with you.

And if you don't have any single girlfriends to go out with, go sit in a bookstore or see a movie by yourself or go to a meetup.com event - but whatever you do, do it dressed to the nines and with plenty of perfume.

[imthemom]

I like that kml...LOL!!..made me laugh..:)

[Nblost]

Here's the crazy thing...I'm feeling so detached that I don't even think I care what H thinks. I guess I would want him to know I have a life and outside interests.

I am not sure what's going on with me. I think I met the new guy which showed me life could be a lot better down the road. I think I'm so tired of thinking about H and OW that I struggle to care anymore. And, I'm kind of blocking out the reality of telling the kids we're separating...which will probably happen next week.

I should probably call my IC and talk to her.

I guess I have accepted my situation for what it is and I can't go on living in a marriage like this. I am hopefully at the right point for "going dark" or the more extreme LRT because that's what I am doing and I'm honestly not sure if I want H back at this point.

In a way, I just want to be on my own and building a new life.

The other crazy thing is that H has admitted he's told OW a bunch of lies to make her believe that he isn't hurting his kids or family by staying in her city all the time. Now would be the time where I could probably send her a note or bust him on it...but I'm not even really tempted to do that.

Like I said, I almost feel like something is wrong with me...or maybe this is when you know you've had enough.

[Rogerio]

Hello Nblost - my name is Rogerio and I have been following your plight since the beginning: I am trying to build-up the courage to tell my own story. You are an amazing person. It appears to me you have come to realize you are so much more than what your husband has been providing/telling you since his affair began. If it were my wife doing what your husband is doing: refusing to give-up other woman; placing you and your children at risk (emotinally and financially), I would say, "I'm sorry you have not been able to make-up your mind as to whether you love me and the children enough to (first never having had an affair in the first place!)give-up the OM (OW in your case), but I have a solution for you: I will make the decision for you. Good-bye." In your instance I would first contact the other woman and discuss how he has been stringing you and your emotions along since they began their A, how it was impacting you and your family, and that he has lied to her about it. I would ruin his chances with her. I would also inform all my family, friends, his co-workers/boss of the situation (I am certain boss would not be pleased this were taking place while he was working for the company - and in effect giving them a bad name) so everyone would see what a rat he is. You say you are not interested in this drama anymore, and I truly understand where you come from. But I would also want to give him such a black-eye that he would never forget what he did, who he did it to, and the ramifications of his cowardly, narcassistic actions: no wife; no family; no friends; perhaps no job (you say you make a decent earning so you do not require his money), and finally no self-respect. Let him stew over that as you have done over these past many months. I only wish you all the best in whatever direction you take, but it sounds as though you don't really need my wishes or prayers, as you are a strong confident woman who will only come out of this mess stronger, more self-confident and amazing.

[verysad2day]

NBLOST,
I have read your story. You are an amazing women. Now for the reality:
Tell him to get the fvck out! Not in a week, not in a day but the very next time you see him face to face.

I have been where you are. One Wednesday evening last March I had, had ENOUGH. My "had enough" went on for 3 months, then I spit the words out: GET OUT! He did.

It took about 20 minutes for the text to start rolling in, then the calls. Within 24 hours he was at my house inviting me to breakfast, dinner ect...

We are "together" again, but still not in the same house. He spends all weekends here and maybe a night or two a week. I kinda like the situation.

YOU and only YOU can break the cycle. He is either in or he is out. It seems that the decision is up to YOU!!!!

Now, I would probably send the OW a message, that is just me. It would go like this: I have decided that you can have him.
While we are still sexually active, he is no longer a trust worthy man. I will let all the chips land where they may. He has expressed in marriage C, a desire not to divorce, however the option is now closed.

End it there....

[Nblost]

I do feel like I am done and I am looking at filing for a formal separation to protect assets and start making this "real".

As to where he stays, it's only complicated from the perspective that he's only in town here about 4-5 days a month and I agree with his thoughts that it's really expensive to rent something if he won't be here using it. Plus, with the three kids, it's nice to have them in a stable environment. That's why having him stay in a bedroom for now may be fine. Is it optimal, no...but I'm not sure anything would be.

I'm not feeling vindictive like I need to expose him to people. I have felt that way through this process...but at this point, it's his life and I am focusing on myself. I'm pretty confident his relationship with OW will self-destruct at some point and not sure I want to act like I care enough to intervene. And honestly, if the affair blows up and he just ends up back with me as a last resort...why do I want to be in that situation for the rest of my life?

He needs to come back and fight for me and our marriage. Until I see that happen, I'm continuing on the path to separation.

I also think it's vital to try to end our relationship on a high note...we will be together forever through the three kids--parties, graduations, grandkids, etc.

We'll see if I can stay strong!