Dude, not as sagely as the others here,but relax - you are doing great!!I do not always post, I do however follow your sitch closley. You are a great guy and she knows it. Give her time to heal.
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
The "what if's" that you are going through, and that want to temperature check is all traced back to fear.
Fear of what ?
Mostly all of the fears that you have inside of you.
The fear of failure
The fear of your son growing up in a Divorced home
Actually, the fear of success is the one you may be going through right now.
You are so afraid that if you take a step toward the positive, without her, you are choosing to keep yourself locked in that basement, giving yourself every available excuse to stay there.
Taking steps toward your happiness is all part of forgiving yourself through this.
YOUR guilt in the breakdown of the relationship is probably part of that.
Do you feel guilty when you are happy ?
You taking steps to being happy, should in no way be tied to what she does or how she feels.
Being happy, is a lighthouse that can attract people to you.
What she chooses to see or do, is entirely up to her.
Do you really want her to have that much power over your emotions ???
I just feel like the more time that passes, the further removed she gets from me and any real estate I had in her heart starts to contract. DB is tough. I never really know the right things to do, especially when it comes to communiction about the relationship - which I have totally avoided. DB would suggest just pull back and wait for her to come to you. I DON'T KNOW if her asking for this was her "coming to me" or not. I want it to be that - but maybe I want it too much.
I just feel like doing nothing but giving distance (Which I have been doing)is harming and not helping - though I CAN see the case that can be made about giving space and time. I am so lost. I just want my W and S back, and I don't know how to go about it.
The way to do this, is to LIVE.
Crimson,
DB is counterintuitive. It goes against what we logically want to do. It feels uncomfortable and confusing.
Here is a question for you since feeling like giving her distance isn't helping.
Did begging, pleading, pursuing, asking her to go to counseling etc...get her to do any of those things?
Right now, you have an amicable R with her. Don't screw it up.
Keep your communication simple, light, and honest like that post of your's that Mach quoted.
Be happy, simply because you are happy.
Stop trying to mindread. Your W doesn't necessarily think you are happy because she is gone. Unless you have actually said that to her, don't worry about correcting it.
Right now, she thinks what she thinks. No matter what you say.
Just be.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
All of those things got me nowhere. In fact, I would argue that they worked against me. That is the hook in DR that really drew me in - MWD knew what I had been doing, and knew that it was failing.....miserably. That book, and that realization brought me to the amazing people on this board.
I have never told my wife that I am happier with her being gone. But I believe that she believes that.
I have to trust that giving her space and time is a good thing. Perhaps as grmpy said, "to heal". I just feel like I get farther and farther away from her head and heart. You're right - I noted awhile ago that this DB business is counterintuitive. I feel like I have isolated my w, perhaps for the best.
GM - they got me nowhere with regards to DB or personal growth. I didn't know I was chasing her away as fast as possible. I have pulled waaaaaaay back since then. I guess you can say they got me somewhere personally in terms of learning what NOT to do.
I guess i am partially wound up because I have an initial court appearance with w and Ls wednesday. It's to go over how much child support and spousal maintenance I will have to give her. Along with my retirement accounts and company stock options (we have not had an IPO yet)
I am so not looking forward to looking across a table in a courtroom and seeing my w as an adversary. The whole concept seems surreal. I love her. She is not the enemy and the court doesn't need to dictate when I (or my wife) can see our S.
Every "real" step like this we take on the D path really bums me out and causes me to lose hope. I wish Wednesday didn't have to happen. I hope I am strong enough to get through it bravely and without emotion. I wonder if my w is feeling anxious about it like me. Of course, she won't be writing me monthly checks, so I would guess she has little to truly fear. Seems like all upside for her - financially anyway.
Bad way to think of it, but I am in a fairly scared place right now.
" I am happy because I have gotten out of my own way and have decided to focus on making myself happy. I am focusing on making the changes necessary to make life better for me."
Sandi is giving you excellent advise.
M 38 W 50 S 9, D 6 T 12 M 10 W's 1st EA 4/2007 stopped after confront W's 2nd EA 6/2010 Separated 7/2010 I bomb dropped 7/2010 MC 2/2011 - 3/2011 W bomb dropped 4/2011 Nothing filed or done
