If one of their complaints was too much computer time, then I'd spend less time on the computer in their presence. I would continue to type into my phone though. Being on this site is therapeutic. Some discretion is prudent. I wouldn't let her discover your posts.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Just wonder what the wise ones have to say about the WAS who sees the LBS reading and typing into the computer/iphone/blackberry. Should we be more discreet?
I don't know if I am wise...
Are you saying ANYTHING that is untrue ?
Are you depicting your spouse in a degrading light ??
Are you showing anything other than love for your spouse, and a want to work things out ?
I wouldn't necessarily show my game plan, but I surely wouldn't be ashamed of being here...
I am not worried about computer time since I never really spent that much time on it. In the contrary my W lives in front of her pc mostly for work. I think maybe is more that she sees me content which I am to a point. If she thinks I am having an A so be it. Let her wonder. But this place is a big part of my GALing so I can not stop coming here. I remember when my sitch happened she was getting TMs like crazy reading them in my presence and laughing. Not saying she is having an A. I don't think that is the case. But things have changed especially since I am not so depressed. I have not felt like crying in a month so things are looking better and can really focus on me.
One of her complaints was that I expected us to do things together. She can not complain about that any longer.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
you have a long thread, and while i could not read it all, i did have a couple of impressions from what i did read.
first, for what it is worth (keeping in mind i have not read your whole story), i sense your wife still has some emotional engagement with you. the fact that she can show some anger or irritation at what you are doing suggests this. also, she has not finished her own paperwork for her lawyer. while this may or may not mean anything on it's own, i encourage you to be aware of similar potential signs of ambivalence or mixed feelings on her part. since you seem to be following a GAL strategy it would not surprise me at all if the dynamics of your relationship are shifting.
does she ever initiate conversations with you, and if so, what are they about?
Good question on yourside. IThe convos she initiates are usually about our D. - and other times about politics. But they are rare. I think she is putting energy again into pushing me away as has stopped having breakfast with me but we do eat dinner together. In a nutshell I acted like a jerk many times in our R. That is why I am here. Thanks for your observations
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Met with my IC tonight. Best session so far. She called me on stuff and challenged me about my behavior with W. One theme was that I never was a true participant in deciding things for the family. That decisions were made about D but that I never was involved until the decision were made between W and D. I was always informed afterwards. She said that a mature man would have said something to W instead of becoming resentful and later becoming verbally abusive. Truth is that I was not aware as to how much it bothered me.Since this sitch Many things have surfaced that I never acknowledged or just denied.
We talked about what I have learned so far. I told her what I thought and she tSaid hat I have learned alot about me and said the she knew how painful growth was. No kidding.
She wonders why I stay at home and why I have not moved. My L said to stay I told her.That is it for now
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
what a good man you are, rick. i find your non-defensiveness very admirable.
based on what i have read, i am going on the assumption that the two of you are living together. i've been there. that is one challenging situation.
if that is true, it might give you an opportunity to do something pro-active that helps both of you (and if you are already doing this, maybe even a little more?): give each other room and space, and i mean that in the most physical sense of the word. no, i don't mean move out - i just mean for a while, see what happens when you really try to be away more. it might help reduce some of the mental exhaustion and tension that either of you may be experiencing. like any DB idea, it's all about doing something different, and then observing results to see if the idea is worth continuing.
a second idea is to change your communication pattern by seeing what happens when you really focus on safety when you communicate with W. try this: when she initiates a conversation about almost anything (except where she is asking for a response or action on your part i.e. "will you pick D up from school") listen carefully, avoid judgement of any kind (watch the non-verbals!), express respect for her viewpoint and then thank her for sharing it. and then don't talk unless she specifically asks you to. and then share your thoughts in very respectful way.
i hope these ideas are helpful and please excuse me if they are ideas you have already tried or thought of.
Thanks onyourside today I apologized to her for miss understanding her. I thought she was transferring hers and D's dental care to my dentist which is local. Our previous dentist is 50 miles away. She told me today that our old dentist died. I stopped going to him because my new dentist had a periodontists which I needed. The new dentist who rents the place ,she does not lIke so that is why I thought she changed .
Right now by biggest struggle is thinking about why I want to stay in this M. And the more time goes by the more confused I am.My IC says the same that I am delightful but maybe I have people fooled? Dunno but will take any words of wisdom
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Onyourside I have been thinking of spending one or two nights in a hotel a nice hotel just to be away. What does everyone think cause that would be a gigantic 180 not to rush home and be with the family.Can go to the casinos and hang for a couple of nights. But I don't like gambling. I can always bring my xbox right?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
