Just a little journaling after reading 25's last post and a post from gunny:
I have so much to work on with me that I don't think I'm ready for ANY relationship.
What I do know is that I need more GAL fun activities. A friend is getting a group together to do a mud run in March. That is going to be on my list. Even tho I'm active being silly and doing things that seem to have no purpose has never been high on my list. That needs to change.
labug - good for you for recognizing that! I think it sounds like fun! Go for it!
Haven't posted on my thread for awhile. I've been reading current posts on the board and learning a lot. Most importantly I'm learning about forgiveness and letting go of anger and resentment, about what true understanding and unconditional love really look like. Changing decades of ingrained behavior is not easy, but I am up to the challenge. And most of all, I want to have a good life.
Some of my goals: -think before I speak -if I feel anger, really look at where that's coming from -don't react to other's emotions -awareness, acceptance, action -define, and live in tune with, my personal values -stay in the present (this will be a real stretch for me) -try a new activity every month -call friends more often, not just when things are in the crapper
Something different happened yesterday, H emailed me! He has not initiated contact with me at all since he moved out. We've had contact but always his was in response to me. I had written this on gunny's thread a few days ago: He responded to my last email about the house (non-committal), mail (he'll change his address) and stuff in the garage (no answer). The tone seemed different, and I know it's hard in email to gauge that but there was something about his choice of words. He did tell me he was going to be out of town over the next 2 weeks which is something he's not let me know before.
The current email was to let me know that he had deposited money in the joint account. In it he said: "I deposited the insurance and half of S22's interest payment. I hope I figured it right,... if not let me know." The insurance money is monthly thing and we have an agreement that it will deposited by the 19th. The school loan payment is quarterly and I had forwarded the statement to him. His math skills are better than mine and let's face it, it's simple division and addition, so the part about letting him know if it was not right is interesting.
I'm trying not to read too much into this but it does feel different from the contacts we've had up till now. How is this for a response:
Thanks for letting me know about the deposit. You have better math skills than I do, so there's no need for me to check your work
S22 made the Dean's List! How great is that?
Feedback always appreciated.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I've also been thinking a lot about what keeping the road home paved and smooth really looks like in practice. I think in the beginning I was running a road crusher over it constantly and setting a few land mines, just for fun.
It's a good exercise to really think through some of these concepts that have become catch phrases.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
La how would you know that you have made changes? What will that look like? Sorry I just have more questions than Answers Congrats on him making dean's list
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Good morning labug! Catching up on some reading this morning and was going through your sitch. Thanks for all your insights and thoughts. Its been helpful. Its funny how I see either me or my W in the situations you mentions.
Comments that compare to my W: I had another realization yesterday...I've always carried a lot of anger which led to resentments. I played the rescuer, the fixer, and yes, sometimes the martyr, always seeking the approval and praise of others. When they didn't respond the way I wanted, the resentment came and I cared for, fed and nurtured it. I blamed others for my anger, "Couldn't they see how I had sacrificed for them? How I had fixed things for them?" Needless to say, they didn't ask for my sacrificing or fixing.
Comments that compare to me: I have always had difficulty with fun activities or other things that are "just for me." I was raised in an atmosphere of scarcity, so felt guilty spending money on me. (guilt and shame, huge motivators-?demotivators for me)
These just scratch the surface but wanted to give some examples.
Also, you said.."I guess this is all to say that I've changed and I'm happy with myself and my life. I'm OK and I will continue to be OK as long as I stay on this track."
Ditto on this. waiting for the "ok" feeling to be more consistent and not falling back on the misery around W's behaviors but all in time.
Take care and hope you have a great weekend.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
La how would you know that you have made changes? What will that look like? Sorry I just have more questions than Answers Congrats on him making dean's list
Hi Rick, thanks for the questions. Do you mean this in relation to my goals? If that's the case I think you're right, these aren't really goals but rather behaviors that would get me to a goal.
More thought needs to be put into this now that I have my full dose of caffeine for the day.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
ces, I find that the more I stop looking over my shoulder for H, the easier the path is to walk. Which only makes sense, I guess. You can't move forward when you keep looking back. That's why living in the present is so important.
I have to say that reading a lot of the threads here has been so instructive because if I keep reading the same advice over and over eventually it starts to sink in.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Some of my goals: -think before I speak -if I feel anger, really look at where that's coming from -don't react to other's emotions -awareness, acceptance, action -define, and live in tune with, my personal values -stay in the present (this will be a real stretch for me) -try a new activity every month -call friends more often, not just when things are in the crapper
labug, I like your goals. I think these will help you work toward creating a road home that's paved and smooth. I think some of too, would be doing the opposite of what you did when you were a land mine planting road crusher. I would say be as upbeat and positive as you can in any interaction with your H. It appears you are trying to to do that. You're not being demanding in your interactions either, and I think that helps.
I think your email is fine. I think it's to the point and it's positive at the end. There's no pursuing and there's definitely not any venom in there.
