Retrouvaille means change

[angel61]

Hopefull,

My advice: Just take it as part of your journey. Think of it this way: you have nothing to lose. It can't make things worse, there's a chance it will be better. I was so anxious when we were going, but it turned out to be a miracle for us.

You will not be talking to anybody about your situation. THERE IS NO SHARING!

There is no brainwashing either! Let your husband know about this, as shared by someone who has gone through it.

It is all about facing what you really feel. Retrouvaille means discovery.....

Just trust the process.

My advice: On your way there, do not talk about emotional things, about your R, or about your son, especially if it will seem like you are guilting him about his role (or lack of it) as a dad. It will close off his mind to whatever is going to happen in Retrouvaille. The least you will need in order to gain something from it is an open mind.

I will be praying for you. Good luck, and trust the Lord.

[hopefull79]

LOL, sorry Angel, I couldn't help but giggle at your comment on the lack of fatherly roles with our son. Since it is true, he hasn't made much of an effort to get close to him until we moved out.
I did speak with H yesterday though, he called me at work, and he sounded very nervous, stressed, and distraught about the idea of spending a weekend together. I'm not sure if he's stressed because OW might be telling him not to, or if he's scared that it will ignite something between us again to want to put the effort into saving our family then having us fall back into old ways, or distraught over the possible torment he'll get at work about it. The OW is someone he works with, and he has friends at work, but I was never allowed toh ang out with him and his work friends.
He did at least say he'll go in with a positive attitude, and an open mind to communication only, and couldn't guarantee that he could go in with an open heart since he had no feelings left for me at all.
However, he does get extremely angry when I tell him that I want to try again. I told him that he can't fault me for wanting to put another attempt at our family, at our relationship. Which he agreed and said he couldn't fault me, but he could be angry about it since I was saying these things to little to late. So I'm just confused, that even though he says he doesn't love me or care about me in any fashion at all anymore, then why would he be angry about me wanting to try and work things out? If he's feeling that strongly to where he reaches his boiling point at the idea of me wanting to try and work together to save our marriage, does anyone else think it might be possible that there is still a small part of him (even though he denies it) that he wants to make our family whole again? Unless I'm mis-reading the anger piece of it. Just because I know in the past, I've had exes tell me that they want to try again, and I had nothing left for them in my heart, it didn't anger me in the least bit, nor trigger any other feelings since I truly didn't care anymore at that time.

[angel61]

They say that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

Stop talking about your marriage to your H. Obviously, he will defend his choices. His choice is to leave the family. That is what makes him angry. The more you say things, the more it will drive him away. he does not want you to choose for him to stay for the family. he knows all the reasons why or why not. YOur trying to guilt him or force him into considering staying wwill just make him leave faster. Have your read the divorce remedy book? Everything is explained there. Did you know that actually letting go will bring him back more than hanging on?

Do not try to mind read, that is one of the number one rules here. Most probably you will be misinterpreting things either towards the negative, which will just make you angry and act it, or towards believing something positive, which will give you false hope and raise your expectations.

Stop trying to make sense of what he says or does. Focus on yourself. No amount of talking on your part can replace doing.

It is natural for everyone to be apprehensive about doing something like Retrouvaille. Please stop talking to him about it as well, just listen to what he has to say. You are also nervous, for your own reasons.

Stop even trying to convince him that he has to go with an open mind (I gather from your post that you did). let the process take over. They will ask you guys to have one. It is better to hear it from them than from you. Try to think of your husband as a rebellious teenager, and you as the mom. Anything you say will be taken as a negative. See, he already put barriers in his mind by saying he can't open his heart. If you never talked about it, he would not conscioussly put one. Now you are minus one weapon because he has already set it up.

I know its hard, but just trust me on this: zip your lips!

[hopefull79]

LOL, I was trying to not talk to him about it, he engaged the conversation with me. He wanted me to tel him that I understood that this was merely for communication for our son, and that the divorce was stil going through, and didn't want me to go into the weekend with false hope.
All I asked him was that letting go was one of the options after this weekend, I have 2, we either reconnect and decide to work hard to repair what we've broken, or we meet on the court date in 3 weeks to finalize the D. Myself, his mother and grandmother have all asked him to at least humor the option of reconciling through the weekend and that it's never too late for anything.
Hopefully he won't bring it up again with me. I told him if it would make him feel better to talk to one of the mentor couples that we had contact information for, and he said he wouldn't do that because he felt like he was being force fed purple kool aide

[angel61]

Got it. When we went, my H also said it was just for us to be able to communicate better and keep the atmosphere at home livable. More like survival. For us, my H had decided at that point that although he felt hopeless about love ever being in our M, we were going to stay together for our D.

My take there: If it makes him happy to use that as an excuse, then OK, so be it.

I don't think the mentor couples would really divulge anything because part of Retrouvaille is not knowing whats next. All they would assure you is that there is no sharing. I could assure you that they will not ram anuything down your throat.

There were some topics that my H was not ready to discuss and he simply did not participate, and that was OK with me. In the end, I think it still made himself face his own issues.

[hopefull79]

So tomorrow we're leaving for Retrouvaille. I'm on pins and needles just worried about the car ride after we drop off our son.
I printed out a few chapters that I would like my husband to read in The Divorce Remedy, but I'm not sure if I should or not. I also have other articles that I would like him to read as well.
Yesterday I called his mom again, just for a little more reassurance about if he's really going in with an open mind, and she told me his grandmother just heard she had to go in for heart surgery tommorrow. They're not sure what exactly needs worked on though as of yet, and she told me they wouldn't know until they had her under the knife, which didn't make sense to me, but whatever.
Then I talked to my husband about it, and he told me we'd be on call all weekend in case something happened with his grandmother, which I totally understand since I love his grandmother a lot. But while talking to him, I heard a baby laughing in the back ground, and another womans voice, and I didn't say anything but, "sounds like you have the tv going pretty loud" and he just responded with a, "yeah" So, of course my fears kick in that the OW, who just finalized her own divorce was there, in the marital home, with her 2 year old child.
I'm just so afraid that he'll choose to start a new life with the newly divorced, and leave our family in shambles. He's always been the type to want nothing other than to start with a clean slate. His answer to all of our conflicts was to just forget that it ever happened and start over. Like hitting the reset button on a video game or something.
I also spoke with one of the Retrouvaille people again last night for additional encouragement. It is slightly comforting knowing I'm not the only one calling in tears, and uncertainty, and of course fear of impending doom. I just know my worst fear is the drive back home, if he decides that he truly doesn't want to try and help rebuild our family. I'm wondering if I can just have him take a taxi to the nearest bus station for him to get home on his own if that were the case.
Hopefully we'll come back in the same car, and that I'll come back with good news on Monday.

[TrentC]

So tomorrow we're leaving for Retrouvaille. I'm on pins and needles just worried about the car ride after we drop off our son.
I printed out a few chapters that I would like my husband to read in The Divorce Remedy, but I'm not sure if I should or not. I also have other articles that I would like him to read as well.

Honestly? You're not going to have much time for extra reading. They pack a lot of stuff into that weekend.

And I would not be trying to get him to read stuff about working on the marriage right now. That can come across as pressuring or controlling, and undo the work that you're going to try to do this weekend.

Then I talked to my husband about it, and he told me we'd be on call all weekend in case something happened with his grandmother, which I totally understand since I love his grandmother a lot.

It sounds like he's trying to give himself an out. While I understand that family is important to the both of you, don't let yourself be distracted from what you need to do this weekend.

But while talking to him, I heard a baby laughing in the back ground, and another womans voice, and I didn't say anything but, "sounds like you have the tv going pretty loud" and he just responded with a, "yeah" So, of course my fears kick in that the OW, who just finalized her own divorce was there, in the marital home, with her 2 year old child.

That's a big red flag: when you sign up for the weekend they ask you if either spouse is involved with someone else, and if they are, they are asked to bring the relationship to a close.

If he is still spending time with OW, then in my opinion he's breaking the trust that both of you are going to go in with an open mind and a willingness to try to work things out.

Why did you let him pretend that he wasn't there with OW? (Assuming that's what was going on.) You should be able to ask him where he is and what he is doing, and have him answer honestly. It won't be forever; just until you can be reassured that he's not lying or cheating.

If he was unfaithful, that is a betrayal of the trust that you put in him. If he wants to reconcile, that means he has to accept that you are going to have questions, doubts, and fears, and he has to take positive action to prove that he wants to be trustworthy again.

I'm just so afraid that he'll choose to start a new life with the newly divorced, and leave our family in shambles. He's always been the type to want nothing other than to start with a clean slate. His answer to all of our conflicts was to just forget that it ever happened and start over. Like hitting the reset button on a video game or something.

And that attitude will basically guarantee that if he does and up leaving for another woman, that relationship will fare about as well as yours did. You don't get to just pretend that arguments and hurtful behaviors never happened.

I also spoke with one of the Retrouvaille people again last night for additional encouragement. It is slightly comforting knowing I'm not the only one calling in tears, and uncertainty, and of course fear of impending doom. I just know my worst fear is the drive back home, if he decides that he truly doesn't want to try and help rebuild our family. I'm wondering if I can just have him take a taxi to the nearest bus station for him to get home on his own if that were the case.

You're engaging in unproductive negative meditation (aka "worrying"). Don't try to predict his reaction to this weekend. If he wants to leave or decides it's not worth the effort, let him find his own way home.

You will be in good hands at Retrouvaille. The presenting couples, and the couples you will be attending with, are all in the same place that you are. No one will be judging you OR your husband. They have all made mistakes; many of them have had affairs; some have probably been convinced that the marriage was beyond saving. But they all went to Retrouvaille, and they all committed to working things out.

[angel61]

"If he is still spending time with OW, then in my opinion he's breaking the trust that both of you are going to go in with an open mind and a willingness to try to work things out."

In their case I think the willingness is only to learn to communicate. I think though that Retrouvaille has loosened up they don't even ask that anymore. All they ask for is the willingness to go through the weekend. And regarding OP's, they only asked that the OP not be contacted during the time that Retrouvaille is being conducted.

In my case, my H went in seemingly unwilling to work things out, but came out of it a changed person.

Miracles can happen, and for me , as long as the person is willing to go in there, I would say go for it.

[TrentC]

In their case I think the willingness is only to learn to communicate. I think though that Retrouvaille has loosened up they don't even ask that anymore. All they ask for is the willingness to go through the weekend. And regarding OP's, they only asked that the OP not be contacted during the time that Retrouvaille is being conducted.

It's also possible that Retrouvaille groups vary slightly in what they ask or require.

In my case, my H went in seemingly unwilling to work things out, but came out of it a changed person.

Miracles can happen, and for me , as long as the person is willing to go in there, I would say go for it.

I agree. You really have nothing to lose by trying.

[25yearsmlc]

So tomorrow we're leaving for Retrouvaille. I'm on pins and needles just worried about the car ride after we drop off our son.

did you read my long posts to you about NOT freaking out and how your fears only hurt your cause?? Read them again.


I printed out a few chapters that I would like my husband to read in The Divorce Remedy, but I'm not sure if I should or not.

YOU SHOULD NOT DO THIS^^^^ No way..First the books themselves say this is for the LBSer NOT the WAS and not to share it with them so how could you ask if you have read them?

It will only come on as pressure and pursuit which IT IS

and that makes him NOT TRUST you b/c it undermine the claims you have made that you are detaching and just seeing what this brings and learning to communicate better, blah blah blah


YOU ARE MAKING IT SO OBVIOUS that all your hopes and dreams are on him staying now...back off like you promised or he will bolt at the first chance he has.

I say get a comedy CD or some music you both like for the car ride and don't make the trip about "working on the m" but about having some relaxed time in the car, where it is EASY GOING and [i]easy & relaxing to be around YOU...
[/i]
BACK OFF...I don't know another way to say this.

The Retro people are not idiots. They have a program that helps troubled m's. Your manipulations and machinations and freaking out trying to control this weekend

will HURT YOUR CAUSE not help it.

back off and trust their process...

I also have other articles that I would like him to read as well.


see comments above which means NO do not do this. Back off and leave him alone. He is going to the weekend and he will leave if you tip one more brick in the wagon so back off, back way off and be glad he's going and learn to show that you can shelve all your fears and anger and worries for the car ride down or you will not be fun company....lighten up b/c The Retro people will he.lp you do the heavy lifting when you are there...learn to relax around your h so he can learn to be comfortable round you. I said this 10 different ways before so you have to listen and heed when we post to you or it gets frustrating.


Yesterday I called his mom again, just for a little more reassurance about if he's really going in with an open mind,




and she told me his grandmother just heard she had to go in for heart surgery tommorrow. They're not sure what exactly needs worked on though as of yet, and she told me they wouldn't know until they had her under the knife, which didn't make sense to me, but whatever.
Then I talked to my husband about it, and he told me we'd be on call all weekend in case something happened with his grandmother, which I totally understand since I love his grandmother a lot. But while talking to him, I heard a baby laughing in the back ground, and another womans voice, and I didn't say anything but, "sounds like you have the tv going pretty loud" and he just responded with a, "yeah" So, of course my fears kick in that the OW, who just finalized her own divorce was there, in the marital home, with her 2 year old child.
I'm just so afraid that he'll choose to start a new life with the newly divorced, and leave our family in shambles. He's always been the type to want nothing other than to start with a clean slate. His answer to all of our conflicts was to just forget that it ever happened and start over. Like hitting the reset button on a video game or something.

too bad you didn't work on resolving the conflicts sooner...but you still need to learn how to, so go to Retrovaille & get those tools.


I also spoke with one of the Retrouvaille people again last night for additional encouragement. It is slightly comforting knowing I'm not the only one calling in tears, and uncertainty, and of course fear of impending doom. I just know my worst fear is the drive back home, if he decides that he truly doesn't want to try and help rebuild our family. I'm wondering if I can just have him take a taxi to the nearest bus station for him to get home on his own if that were the case.
Hopefully we'll come back in the same car, and that I'll come back with good news on Monday.

don't borrow trouble from tomorrow. Stop futurizing and catastrophizing b/c it can be a self fulfilling prophecy. Go with the idea you both will be better communicators IF you listen to them

and stay the weekend. Stop assuming he's leaving and back off so he doesn't feel he has to.

trust their process and that you will be alright anyhow...