New Here; Husband left

[Coyote]

"I must be doing EVERYTHING wrong. H is gone and hasn't looked back..."

Yes, I know that sometimes it seems that your efforts are not paying out. We've talked about this before, perhaps we need to go over this again. The way your H is right now there really is 'nothing' you can do to change H. I've seen this played out many times before. When a WAS is like this, guy or gal, they're going to do their own thing for a time and it has to be allowed to play itself out. Your H is not well right now but unfortunately there is no chicken soup for your H.

Your H is a brick wall that you're not going to be able to go through right now. It's not going to change any time soon. If that changes down the road, fine. For now, you need to look at what you can control and that's you and only you. Those are changes you can trust.

At that, maybe list some more of these changes you've been trying for yourself. Let us know what's been working for you and what hasn't. If anything you've been doing for you has been met with limited or no success, and you need new ideas, ask here. There's plenty of folks here who will have 'oodles' of new ideas you can try! (Amidst what you are are going through right now, it can be easy to forget about this.)

Speaking of positive changes you can do for you,

"I havn't iniated any contact, I have lost weight (27 lbs), gone through FPU (finance class at church), got a full time job with a 5% raise, found child care by myself, and started making time for friends. I have tried to be nice, understanding, and neutral with my now xh..."

Stop for a moment and give yourself a Pat on the back. If you drink beer stop reading for a minute or three and open one up. If you don't drink beer, stop and partake in your favourite no no, ice cream perhaps, and then come back and continue.

All done now? Good...to continue...way to go! Under very difficult, and screwed up circumstances you have refused to give up and have picked yourself up and have definitely been putting one foot in front of the other. I have personally seen those that have rolled over and have given up. That was nasty. You have not. I'm really proud of you, keep it up! (Perhaps you should stop again and partake in another helping of your favourite no no...)

Let's play a game. Imagine what would have happened if you had done nothing. Continually begged H to come back. Rolled over. Given in to H's demands. Tried to fix everything that H demanded. Then when you fixed those, H demands more and you try to fix those. H bullies you some more. You plead to H even more to come back.

I know this may not be pleasant but stop and take a little time to imagine where would you be if you had gone down this route instead of the one you are taking right now. How would you be compared to now? In the future? How would you be with your child? If H comes through this, would you be more prepared to talk to H as a mature, solid lady who is much more at peace with herself? I'm going to leave this with you,

Coyote