Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[Abbey]

The problem with the perception of being strong,... is that often we get swept under the rug when it comes to our feelings. Other people assume we can "take it". Or at the least, it becomes convenient to simply ignore pain that is being inflicted upon us.

As for the secrecy... I'm convinced now more than ever that popping the lid off of it DOES take the shine off the new penny. It by itself, isn't always enough to kill the affair, but it helps put the right dents in the fenders of the thing.

Doing my "invasion" a few months back DID something I didn't anticipate... H saw a side of me I rarely show... an angry, AND very determined individual. I think part of the trick is pouring cold water on it, then going back to being calm.

Secrecy and I suspect over the top emotions are part of the draw to affairs. Pulling the covers back, taking that clandestine draw away from it, CAN be helpful.

I think that the "don't tell" advise is vastly wrong. A lot of people NEED to know they weren't going crazy, with the suspicions. I know I did. I needed that admission from H. If for no other reason than to say: You want to try this again... I WILL catch you.

Abs

[ANS]

The problem with the perception of being strong,... is that often we get swept under the rug when it comes to our feelings. Other people assume we can "take it". Or at the least, it becomes convenient to simply ignore pain that is being inflicted upon us.

So true, Abbey.

It brings to mind something that happened to me when I was 15 years old. My mother died very suddenly. I put on a brave face for my younger brother and sister. I overheard someone ask a friend of my mom's how I was "taking it." Her answer... "very well."

Does that make any sense to anyone?

Same thing happens when we're DB-ing our hearts out. It can be eating us alive, but we cannot let anyone know about it.

Except here, of course.

[Nblost]

Yeah, you are right...I guess there's not a lot of advantage to being "strong". Although, I do think having people see you handle situations with grace/strength and take the high road.

Definitely not great timing, but I met a very nice man last night. He is also going through a divorce, so there are warning lights flashing over both of our heads. However, I think he may have been sent to me for a reason--knowing there are other fish in the sea (and he seems like a man with great values, etc) is helping me have the strength to do the separation with H. If H won't get out of his affair (this weekend's behavior was again ridiculous)...I need to start moving on and I would love to develop a formal schedule with H so I have opportunities for doing things with friends and meeting new people.

Tomorrow we go to the MC to figure out how to tell the kids, plan the separation, etc.

By the way, H got home this morning (I had no idea he was coming)...he's doing all of his usual "nice" things but I'm just starting to see them for what they are...lame attempts to keep himself on his fence and make me happy enough for another week to put up with this crap.

I guess I've had enough...

[kml]

It does help to know that there are other fish in the sea. Just be careful not to jump into anything too quickly - you DO need to have worked through your feelings for ex before you embark on another relationship - it's not really fair to the new guy otherwise. PLUS - it's tempting to try to pave over the bad feelings with the bandaid of a new relationship, when really you need to figure yourself out.

That being said - I DID start a relationship just a few months after my ex left - BUT I'd been all through DB with him several years before when he had an affair, with a successful recovery that lasted a few years. When he started to go south again, he spent about 2 years treating me crummy, and I knew 6 months before he moved out that that was where we were heading (kind of like you). A couple months after he left I was well and truly ready to let go, and had peace in my heart that I had done everything possible to save my marriage. At that point, a new relationship was very healing for me.

But many others here have regretted jumping too soon - so be careful.

[Lostforwords]

N,

As for dating you will know when it is the right time...kind of like a light bulb moment. You will just know. During the first part of my journey I was being pursued by a nice woman...had a lot of things in common and yes I was very attracted to her. In the end though, there was no way I was going to be unfair to her and drag her into my life as that would have been very unfair to her. Like KML though, during the last affair I was ready to move on and my mindset was totally different....there was no question for me at that point on whether to date or not....I just knew it was time to move on.

As for the secrecy...there are many thoughts on the topic. For me I kept it as secret as possible because I didn't want the pressure from friends to express how I was doing. I was good and that was the end of it. The things I did learn though is that the same friends who will sit there supporting you telling you how bad your spouse is will also being telling the spouse that they need to do what their heart tells them to....a double sided situation to say the least. For me in the end...keeping it a secret was a blessing in that I was able to stand completely under my own convictions without the outside influence. In the end secrecy is really to protect you....as for the secrecy of the affair.....That isn't your burden to carry. By letting it out of the box, for the most part you will in the end be criticized for it by pretty much everyone...even though you are hurting, the affair is out of your control, not your mess, and to be left alone. Control the things you control, yourself, and let the things you don't control follow their own path. It works a lot better in the end and that is experience talking.

As for this weekend N, seeing through his deception is very good. You know it is a game he is playing and making the choice to stop playing it with him will be hard, but it also another step towards protecting yourself.

As for leaving the board because you are "over it"....working this board correctly will keep your here. One is to help others and the other is in the end....we are all brothers and sisters of a war. There are friends you will make on here that will be friends for a long time.

[Nblost]

Okay, true confessions. I don't know if I've blown it or not. (or if I care)

Saturday night, I didn't just meet a nice guy...I had gone to meet a guy from match.com who is also going through a divorce for a drink. I told my kids and the sitter I was going to meet one of my work friends. I told the kids I'd be home by their bedtime (thinking there was no way I would stay that long). Well, I ended up hitting it off with "the nice guy" and we stayed out until midnight talking and drinking wine. I texted the sitter to let her know and I thought everything was fine. D10 tried to call at one point, but I missed her call. Turns out, she called H and reported that I was supposed to be home, but wasn't. I ended up kissing the guy when we said goodbye.

H came home Sunday and I think noticed a big change in me. I was very detached and he did things by himself with the kids. We went to bed and H started to ask me questions about Saturday night. I told him I had gone out with a work friend for dinner. He knew more had happened and drilled me with questions (which I tried to refuse to answer) until he found out I had gone out with a guy and we had kissed. (He attacked me around how long I had been out and accused me that something more must have happened).

I lashed back out at H to say that I knew this was wrong but I had only gone to try to meet a guy as a friend. I pointed out to H that for 6 months, he's been lying to me every day and week and it's ridiculous that he is drilling me over one night. He refused to answer any questions while the affair was a secret, and he's been avoiding answering anything since I found out. I told him I knew he'd gone on vacation before Christmas and he admitted he had.

H said he was happy I had gone out and I deserved to find happiness. Although, he then went on to ask me a lot more questions about the night--many of which I just said were irrelevant. I told him...bottomline, I only went out because he was out with OW and he had basically told me three times last week that we were going to separate. H wanted to look at my phone to see my text messages. I asked if I could see his iphone (which has been in his grasp for six months straight) and he said, "sure".

H then stayed up the entire night pacing around.

Today, we had counseling and discussed separation. We will tell the kids in a couple weeks. The counseling session was "fine". I did find out that OW sounds like she is getting frustrated. H does not want a divorce. He wants a temporary separation. I told him I am not sure I want to wait around a long time to be his second choice. But, we will work out a schedule and a separation is the right decision.

We then left and were in the parking lot talking. H told me he is leaving for 10 days, he can't handle being home anymore. He has our schedule figured out for the next month or so (without asking me or mentioning it in counseling) I told him that was crazy and why does he need to leave home so badly. He may go on vacation again with OW, he's not sure. I asked if this was related to Saturday night and he said it wasn't..but as we talked, I think it is.

H is also trying to turn everything on me and I told him I'm tired of being manipulated. He is saying he knows he has been bad, but I told him I wasn't ready to date and I wouldn't lie to him...and now I've done both of those things. I told him I would call the guy I met and tell him I'd never see him again if H wanted to work on the marriage. I told him I am not ready to date...that wasn't a lie. And, the only reason I lied was because I didn't think this one meeting with this guy had any bearing on our marriage.

H also said I've been apathetic through his whole affair and our marriage hasn't improved. I told him that maybe if he had wanted to be affectionate with me, showered me with attention like OW, taken me on a vacation, given me some emotional energy...I'd be able to show him how things could be different.

It was a pretty ugly conversation. When H got home later, he said "you should take that conversation with a grain of salt". ???

Also, he is lying to OW. She somehow believes he can be gone and it doesn't impact his kids. I think she believes we are officialy separated or something. He said he is the evil one.

Just a huge mess. The good news is I am much more detached/confident and I am speaking my mind to H.

The bad news...pretty sure all my DB-ing flew out the window. Although, I'm definitely not begging and pleading him to come back.

I am definitely staying on this board...if I'm not kicked off for being a disaster!

NB "just got really lost"

[kml]

Actually - that might have been one of the better things that occurred.

You got some nice male attention that helped you feel that you are worth more than what your H is giving you right now.

Your H had to confront the reality that if he doesn't want you, some other man will - and predictably, his jealousy kicked in big time.

Now - this IS why I usually suggest just giving the IMPRESSION that you MIGHT be going out, rather than living the reality - so that you can get the jealousy reaction but with complete innocent deniability on your part.

And I don't think I would have admitted to the kissing - it would have been fine to say you went out with a male friend who is also going through a divorce, to cry on each other's shoulders.

But it's done - and your H doesn't sound like he liked the dose of reality he got. And I liked your response that if he put the energy into YOU that he's put into the OW< things would be different.

Let's face it - he's an idiot. He wants to have his affair, have his "fun separation", and then just come back to the marriage like nothing ever happened. Wonder what OW would think if she heard that nonsense.

[Nblost]

kml,
I agree. I seriously did not think I would hit it off with this guy...I wasn't in the mood to meet him at all and I had told him we could meet but I'm not sure I'm in a place where I'd want to date.

I'm not sure I should have admitted anything to H, but he thought much more may have happened, so in the moment...the kiss sounded innocent. (H then said, "so you were making out with some guy in the parking lot?" I said, "no, he kissed me good night...that is it". H said, "so, you have an emotional and physical relationship with him". I said, "I don't have any relationship! We went out for drinks one time!")

I don't know...but I think I agree that my sitch had approached the ridiculous and this "date" has given me more strength. I told H that I shouldn't have done what I did...we are still married and hadn't officially agreed to separate. He knows he can't really criticize me given his affair.

I am a cautious, analytical person so I am not going to jump into a crazy new relationship. I don't think it is a good idea. I am also going to be honest with this new guy about where things stand with my H (we have a temporary separation, but haven't decided to divorce).

In reality, if this guy is so great...he'll still be around in 3-6 months. He is still working through divorce stuff too. And, if he is great...I don't want to drag him through the muck that I'm going through.

H left this morning. He gave me a kiss on the head and said he was sorry we are in this situation. That's his usual goodbye, so not sure it means anything.

Selfishly, I think I deserve a momentary feeling that I will date again and someone cares about me. The past 6 months have been hell.

I'm also not sure much gets through to my H at this point anyway...

[kml]

Selfishly, I think I deserve a momentary feeling that I will date again and someone cares about me. The past 6 months have been hell.

You totally DO deserve that. Really, at this point, you would be completely justified if you wanted to chuck him and take him to the cleaners in divorce court.

I understand why you haven't - trying to save our marriages for the sake of the kids, and for the sake of the guy our H's used to be, is a powerful force. And your H, despite being such a fantastic jerk, is certainly still on the fence.

Nonetheless, only you can decide when enough is enough.

Meanwhile, if this guy you met is actually a good guy, he'll be content to just be friends until you both work through your marital issues.

Nice to know, though, that there are other fish in the sea, huh?

[Nblost]

H called from OW's city yesterday and was "friendly". I had written him an email before he left for his 10-day trip to express some of my feelings. He said he appreciated the note and would respond.

I am feeling "extremely" detached. Probably detached to the point where it isn't really how I feel. My H believes we turned a corner last weekend and I have changed. I think that is true.

I feel like I would still work on our marriage and I want to keep our family together...but H would need to completely end the affair and beg me to try again. I agree...given how long his affair has gone on and how ridiculous he's been...I think this is how I should feel.

I was honest with "the other guy" about my H's ambivalence and the mess we're in. We talked on the phone last night and may have dinner again some time. But, definitely taking it slow and keeping this a friendship. I'm still feeling like I need a break from the anxiety.