Ok, while still struggling with figuring out dbing within my kid framework let me through another one out there for some help (though any help with kids would help also). Here's my next hurtle.
We're leaving for 5 days on trip (flying), just the two of us. It has to both with business and pleasure and has been the works since before she dropped the bomb. Throughout everything she hasn't wavered on me going. This has been surprising especially the day she reminded me to buy the tickets was just hours after one our worst fights to date. I feel like this is another opportunity for me to do some real DBing, but I don't have my head wrapped around it yet. How to act, be, etc. One thing I did do was set up a little side trip for me and a buddy on one of the free days we have. It came up yesterday when she mentioned some stuff we'll have to do that day. I said I think it won't take too long because I'm going to the coast with my friend (we'll also be staying with him some of those days). She seemed a bit dejected. I don't know if I should have ignored that or not but I didn't. I said I figured she had already made plans with her friends in the area. She said she hadn't but figured she could. I didn't ask her to go with us and she didn't ask if she could. So I think that is all pretty good. Just not sure how to be on this trip during our time together.
I don't know sometimes how to just ignore the feelings that make me want to scream. I just cannot believe that she can justify hurting the kids to any extent because of what she feels she needs to do. It's overwhelming and I can't get it out of my head.
I could sure use some advice for dealing with this upcoming trip together. It feels like our close proximity for several days provides a fine line between an opportunity for success or risk of failure when itcomes to DBing.
My advice would be keep DB and do your thing. If you want, you could ask her to go, but don't act like a couple. Act more like friends. No pursuing!!!
When my H and I go out with our D, we act more like friends instead of a couple. And I have noticed by me doing this, he is walking towards me instead of away from me.
Yesterday was fairly succesful I think. Discovered our event is black tie, so we rented me a tux and went dress shopping for her. This has always bben fun for us with me encouraging things that she wouldn't pick out only to find she really likes it. Yesterday was no different. Good times driving around the valley, having lunch, etc. There is a lot of good feelings here for us from days gone by. By evening she was pulling away, she went to see an old friend and I stayed. Some small talk when she returned but I kept my distance and stayed on the couch in another room (staying with a friend). It was a great day, which has me feeling down a bit about the whole thing once again. I hope I'm as successful today as I was yesterday.
Listen, 25 is giving you amazing advice, and for the most part you seem to skim and ignore her posts to you.
Your anger is palatable. If we can feel it here, how do you think your W feels?
Frankly ... there is no justification or rationalization that is going to satisfy you. How and why can she make decisions that are going to hurt your kids etc...
Simply, because she is an adult with the right to do so. Stop trying to figure out how she has rationalized it and start working on seeing/figuring out your part in what got you guys here ... THAT is the gift of the situation. You aren't helpless here, there are mistakes you made that you can learn from. The trick is though, you have to learn from them because YOU believe they were mistakes and you want to be a better person for YOU, not because it's only a tactic to bring her back.
You can not protect your children from all the hurt this world is going to throw at them. Nor should you. If you shelter them from pain their whole lives they won't learn the skills and strength to cope with disappointments and hurt later on. Don't get me wrong ... I'm a mom with claws like a polar bear when my cubs are threatened (you can see it in my own threads!) ... so I fully understand your WANTING to fix this for them. I tried too. When I finally let go of trying to manipulate my now ex into staying, out of guilt about what it would do to our kids, I was scared. But I knew my job was to teach them strength, and that sometimes life throws curveballs and that sometimes life hurts, but that we are going to be ok. This is not the end of the world ... sorry, I know that's not a popular sentiment in these parts, but it just isn't. It's different, and not what was planned ... but they will handle it based on the example that is set for them. My kids are thriving. We talk openly about their feelings and missing each other and how it's different. Conflict and anger and poison environments are far more damaging.
Redefine success. Detach. Lose the codependant streak (you seriously referred to her going to an xmas party without as a "bomb") - there is a great book out there, you'll find it if you google it.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
"when she's being nice, opening up conversations, it's hard not to reply."
"Some small talk when she returned but I kept my distance"
I don't get why you're doing this. You know this isn't DBing. If you keep distancing yourself, your W will stop talking to you because she'll feel you're distant.
The point of detaching from your W isn't to shut her out. It's to emotionally disengage from the drama your W is currently in. You don't overly throw yourself into everything she says. You keep things friendly. If she is actively coming towards you, increase the positive interaction. If she backs off, then you back off.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I have to admit, I'm really really confused. I've read DB, and am half way through DR. I feel like I'm doing everything pretty good. I wonder if I'm just not usung the forum the right way, or if I'm not expressing myself very well or if I really don't get it at all. Whatever the case, I really want to improve and learn what I need to do.
I have been talking every other week to a db coach and though I'm certainly not perfect I'm doing pretty well implementing her advice.
My discussion of anger on the forum is just that. I do not show my w any anger. I thought that the forum was a place to vent for just that reason. I read all kinds of venting in many of the posts.
Knowing you need to detach and doing it are not the same thing. Detaching seems to be a result of doing other things which I apparently have yet to master, because I do not know how to 'detach' even as much as I tell myself everyday to do just that.
Relative to the kids. I know that I cannot save them from every hurt that is coming their way. Not sure the point of this. Does that mean I shouldn't try? it's my opinion that I'm letting them down if I don't give it my all, which I believe DBing is a part of.
So, please, any advice on what I'm missing here would be greatly appreciated.
Then one more item i'd like advice on. She just told me a little while ago that when we get back she wants me to move out. What am I supposed to do here? Just leave my kids because she wants me to? I'm stumped on this one.
