It's a bit counter to DB, but I liked the notion that her H was going to have to explain to the kids why he was leaving.....and not her.
I also liked how she explained to ow that she would always be a part of him.
I don't think it's counter to DB at all. This doesn't constitute confronting H, whining, or anything of that sort. H must take responsibility for his actions. Nblost doesn't have to actively participate in anything that runs counter to her beliefs. If she were to do so, she’d be taking responsibility for his actions. Nblost only has to take responsibity for her actions. I think that’s why MynameisMZ “likes the notion.”
Dunno about talking to OW, though. It may have felt good to say it, and it probably didn’t do any harm, but I think I’d avoid making a habit of it. If you engage her, then it could bring them closer together as a team.
A are such conundrums and it is hard to get your mind around all the info that is out there. Nobody has been able to effectively explain it to me.
One of the things I don't understand is the secrecy aspect. There is a lot of literature that advises you to not tell....in case your WAS and you decide to reunite. I understand that aspect of it. However, I think keeping it under wraps in a way keeps the mystery and clandestine aspect of it going.
I view cheating on your spouse as breaking a law, committing a sin. In the legal and religious sectors you pay restitution or penance. There has to be some sort of exposure and accountability for what you have done if you break the law or commit a sin.... but not here, not in these situations.
Sometimes I am resentful of how my H has basically taken us to the $h!ts and has come out smelling like a rose. He did not lose his job despite many people having strong suspicions to actually knowing about it. He did not lose me or our M and his idea of earning back my trust is coming home every night and NOT having an A. Our friends who do know do one of the following: they don't want to know about it, they want me to "just get over it" and/or say things like, "These things happen." Even in cx, our MC wanted to focus on the future, not rehash things. Because I am the most injured party, I'm constantly in pain. Oh, but don't whimper or show your pain. My God! It's like every time they cheat, you lose an appendage. H says it is like a cut that eventually heals and you can barely see the scar. I said, "Really?....REALLY?! It's more like every time you did it with her I lost a hand, then the other, then my feet, then my legs and arms....it's not just a cut." Wish Stehen King would write a novel like that. Maybe I'll write him with my idea.
He never had to tell MC himself the things he said, allowed ow to do to me, or to look introspectively. It would have been VERY healing to have to sit there while he told her details of what he did. A sort of confession.
ow is gone, but she had ONE friend who is around. I've known this guy from HS and we worked together for a few years during HS. He knows me, knows my kids, works with my H, so I find myself baffled by his friendship with a woman who would trash me, risk our family, screw my H. Why didn't he say anything? I want to know that. I've asked my H to arrange a meeting with him. I've been asking for about 6 months now. I think it may happen. I just need to bear witness to my H telling another accessory to the crime what he did wrong.....how much it hurt me.
I think we have an obligation as human beings to tell anyone that an A is wrong and will only hurt others badly. I wonder how our boys will fare in the future with what has happened to our family. #1 is completely and utterly wrapped up in a new girlfriend, #2 has avoided a R as has #3 who had a girlfriend sort of but felt she was too clingy. Are these young men going to think it is a man's right to have an A?
No, nobody wants to be around a hurting person. In primitive societies they take an injured person away from the tribe. I've lost a few "friends" because THEY felt rejected by my absence. I tried to make them understand that I needed to make my world small so that I could mange it. ....oh...I could go on and on.
I'm going for a walk with a fellow LBS.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
MZ, the book Torn Asunder gets at some of this. In order to heal, your H has to understand the feel the pain you endured as the betrayed spouse.
In my opinion (which is just opinion since I haven't gone through a recovery and am not sure I will)...it seems like the LBS needs to have a chance to fully get all their questions answered about the A and fully express their anger. The cheater needs to tell them what they need to know and acknowledge/feel the pain. Seems like "ideally", you'd go through several months of rough counseling sessions to process all that.
Your perspectives on other people's reactions are interesting. So far, the only people who know about H's affair are girlfriends of mine. They have all been supportive of me and great sets of ears. I can imagine as others find out though...there's a big variety in how people think you should react.
I am assuming H and I will separate. On Monday, we meet with our MC to talk about telling the kids, etc. I think it's important we agree to a story so we have some consistency and the kids don't overhear things from various people. I think from DB and other things, I don't want the world to know that my H had an affair (seems like it makes the road back more rocky). However, I don't feel like I can say we've tried everything and this is a mutual decision.
I think our story for now may need to be, "we're taking a break and H needs some time".
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
I also agree on breaking through the secrecy. I've told H that if we separate, he can start introducing OW to his friends and family. I act like I think he'll be excited about that...because after all, he's found someone he thinks is better than me and so since everyone likes me...they'll really like OW!
However, I also say that I don't want her to meet our kids until we are officially divorced.
I think it gives him some pause both from the perspective that introducing her would tell the world what he's done (which he isn't at all comfortable with) AND, I'm not convinced OW is going to be that impressed with his friends/family. His parents are pretty odd and OW comes from a very wealthy/public family.
Again, not sure anything gets through his fog...but I kind of like acting upbeat when I can about his future (while reminding him I wish we could work on our marriage and keep our family intact)
Let's hope these cheaters eventually get a conscience!
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
Let's hope these cheaters eventually get a conscience!
Yeah. We can't force it, and to be honest, society is so averse to pointing fingers when it comes to marital problems ("no fault divorce"... What a crock!)
We now live in a society that doesn't reward personal responsibility....the schools are too hard, everybody is a winner, and hard work isn't rewarded but almost frowned upon. So why should it be different in a failed marriage...it is always the other spouses fault. I am not a religious man, but they had it right when they said he who hasn't sinned can throw the first stone. Hence in our world the biggest step we can make is not blaming the runaway spouse, but instead looking in the mirror and say "What could I have done differently?". Now that doesn't mean you are the cause of his actions....just taking ownership in our part of what has happened.
One just hopes that something deep down inside "tweaks" and the cheater's conscience wakes up.
And ANS, if they don't ever wake up...I don't want to be married to one of them! I keep reminding myself of that.
For me, my H's "craziness" makes me feel like he may eventually pop out of this. (For example, this weekend, he is gone and can't tell me or the kids when he'll be home...the kids have an event with him tomorrow morning and he "doesn't know" if he'll go with them...he is 2,000 miles away and needs to buy an airline ticket...how can you not know? If the answer is "no", why can't you just say that to the kids?)
If he was truly in a good place with OW and his life, I believe I'd be seeing different behavior.
I need more and until he's ready to give it...I need to detach!
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
I do think living this and feeling the pain will make us stronger and better either in our renewed relationships with our spouses or new ones.
I don't know about stronger. I suppose so. Other than my M, I've had a lot of pain in my life. My parents were D when I was young. My brother was schizophrenic. My mother died when I was 15. My youngest son is autistic. Did all of this make me stronger? Well, I suppose it did, but it didn't make me happy ;-} I sometimes think "strong" is overrated.
