Can we figure out a way to write this in the sky? Or maybe Leonardo DiCaprio can put it into our WAS brains? I wish there was a way for them to read this and see that there are other possibilities for our R other than to give up and walk away.
"If you're going to bridge those choppy waters, you'll have to come to terms with the dimunition of everything that once seemed so thrilling or easy when you were courting."
Should we rename "DB" to "Divorce Bridge"?
Thank you so much for sharing this excerpt. It's given me something to look forward to... if I can just build my bridge carefully enough.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I have both books and read part of Not "Just Friends". Guess I need to buckle down and read a chapter a day. Maybe it would help me with my motivation. I seem to have none.
Sometimes I wonder if my detachment is just another form of depression. Whatever it is it is working with dealing with my H.
And another song line goes through my head: Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose.
Okay, A chapter a day! Thanks for the inspiration!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
I think we all understand and agree with the ideas in that excerpt. The problem is spouses who don't understand, or don't want this kind of love. They believe in the butterflies and excitement, the WAHs are dreaming of hot young chicks just waiting to try new sexual positions with them.
As my IC likes to remind me, you can't MAKE them understand anything. You can't MAKE them want anything. You can't MAKE them do anything.
Debbie Downer, OUT!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
They also believe in the idea that with a new person comes a clean slate. Everything will be perfect! All of their problems will disappear magically!
What they don't understand is that EVERY R has its own special package of problems. The affair R might very well have even more problems that the one with the LBS did.
What they don't understand is that EVERY R has its own special package of problems. The affair R might very well have even more problems that the one with the LBS did.
From what I've read, it's guaranteed to have more problems. This is because the problems with the LBS don't go away, the LBS will always be a presence. Their unresolved personal issues don't go away, they now have to deal with those in the context of the LBS AND the new person, and finally, the new "lover" brings their own bag of goods to the party that will eventually surface and make things difficult.
There is no escape from "doing the work" if you want a long term relationship. You can either do it now with your spouse, or later with your lover, but sooner or later you have to do it or be alone.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Very good post. I remember discussing this with my w before she left. While she did (she said), understand that r go through phases, and it is possible to fall out of love, she did not agree that you can also fall back into love. She seemed to feel that we were in a permanent down cycle, and that while recent counseling we had gone through had actually helped, it had not brought back her love for me. We went for 7 sessions!
It was clear to me, no matter what, she had to "get out of Dodge",
The sad thing is that I have read in a couple of different books, that couples who at one point described themselves as extremely unhappy in their m, if asked 5 years later their thoughts, 8of10 described themselves as now happy. When asked what changed they said time had shown them that things generally work out, things that really bothered them at one time had faded in significance. To me this is an incredible stat. It tells me that if couples could just somehow hold on, and make it through the "neutral zone" their marriages could enter the contentment stage. Wow!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
That is reassuring, and another reason why detaching and working on yourself makes so much sense.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
That IS good to hear! I'm sitting here fighting my urge to say something I want to say to my H. So this gives me reason to just let it go and not worry.
So I am going to just keep being Switzerland and hope eventually my "neutrality" pays off.
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
