La Bug-Clouds in my Coffee

[labug]

We interrupt this program....

I need a root canal, really, as if this sitch hasn't been as painful as a root canal.

Accuray, I'll respond to your post when I can think clearly.

[labug]

We interrupt this program....

I need a root canal, really, as if this sitch hasn't been as painful as a root canal.

Accuray, I'll respond to your post when I can think clearly.

[labug]

DB Friends,

I need help with my response to this email from H. This is in response to our discussion about mortgage/house expenses. My possible responses/explanations are in red.

We are not legally separated and there has been no talk of divorce. He does pay healthcare for the sons, insurance on the car they drive, a set amt for groceries as S19 lives with me and 50% of interest on S22 PLUS (school) loan.

This is a WAH with no OW, a true WA who was done with my controlling ways. He is a non-confrontational "Mr Nice Guy" until he blows and then it's all over.

I think that it would be best to file taxes as married. We did okay last year.
If you'll get a large envelope and collect the statements as they come in, mortgage, bank, W2's, registration on your car, property tax and anything else that's year end. It will all come by the end of this month.
It would be good to have last years return, that way I can package it up for [tax prep]. I will sort and collate, for submission to them, I will also pay the preparation fee. I may need a blank check for the fee, but I will pay it. Can you write a check from your acct? It will, as always be electronically deposited into the [bank] account.
I would like to have this by the first week of Feb. as this is the less busy time and the refund will come sooner. It is also nice to have it done, no stress and no hurrying.
I think they do a better job in the "down time". Will do. And thanks for taking charge on this.

As for the house, If I have the truck and the trailer,...I do want my tools,(he has a lot of $$tools but he does not make a living with these)... I imagine that would be close to a wash. [I had given him a list of things that would allow him to meet his house obligation, one of them was relinquish his claim to the house]Unless of course the housing market has made a great rebound that I don't know about. I realize that I owe something for what you've paid and I haven't on the house this past year. Hopefully the tax refund will take care of some of that. Help me understand this. I'm not clear on what you mean about the house.
I'm not prepared to talk about any thing other than the house at this time.

What are your thought's ,...ideas?

You have some personal stuff in the garage. If you let me know when you'll pick it up, I can have it on the garage apron.

Please change your address and phone number with everyone you regularly receive mail/calls from.

I worry because control is so much a part of me, I sometimes don't even realize I'm doing it although I'm getting much better at it.

Thanks, all.

[labug]

Bumping cause I want some input.

[Mach1]

How do you want to be ????

How would you have responded in the past ?

You have some personal stuff in the garage. If you let me know when you'll pick it up, I can have it on the garage apron.

A little of the old you ?

Anytime one uses the words "I" or "you" , there is a chance of placing blame , or guilt onto the WAS. Choose your words carefully in those situations.

Please change your address and phone number with everyone you regularly receive mail/calls from.

Ouch....

Your fix, for his problem....

Will do. And thanks for taking charge on this.

Sounds pretty good, as long as it is true to what you really feel....

[labug]

Thank you!! I need jump-started, this behavior is so new for me. I want to be non-judgmental, open, thoughtful, fun, a listener more than a talker.

I don't want to be a free storage and mail drop but I don't want to shame him. That's how I got to be a LBS.

There is some of your personal stuff in the garage. Also your mail still comes to this address. Suggestions on how we might handle these things?

I am beyond grateful that he is taking over the taxes. I was dreading that like the plague (or root canal).

[labug]

I don't want to shame him. That's how I got to be a LBS.

I have to expand on this, I don't want to shame him because that's not who I want to be. My controlling, judgmental behavior affects all areas of my life and all my relationships. I want to file off those parts of me that chafe others.

[Accuray]

I may need a blank check for the fee, but I will pay it. Can you write a check from your acct?

Are you concerned he won't pay it? Otherwise give him the benefit of the doubt. You can have the conversation after he disappoints you versus implying that you know he will.

[i]As for the house, If I have the truck and the trailer,...I do want my tools,(he has a lot of $$tools but he does not make a living with these)... I imagine that would be close to a wash. [I had given him a list of things that would allow him to meet his house obligation, one of them was relinquish his claim to the house]Unless of course the housing market has made a great rebound that I don't know about. I realize that I owe something for what you've paid and I haven't on the house this past year. Hopefully the tax refund will take care of some of that. Help me understand this. I'm not clear on what you mean about the house.
I'm not prepared to talk about any thing other than the house at this time.

You lost me here. Versus saying "I'm not prepared" (controlling), say "Let's discuss"

You have some personal stuff in the garage. If you let me know when you'll pick it up, I can have it on the garage apron.

Please change your address and phone number with everyone you regularly receive mail/calls from.

Change to: "I am currently receiving your mail and phone calls, please think about how we should handle that. Also, how would you like to handle your personal stuff in the garage?"

--Accuray

[labug]

Good stuff to think about Accuray. Thanks.

[WenikiTiki]

Hope you are feeling better after the root canal.