I have been so busy that I've only just browsed your current situation. Am I reading that your ex BF has a new GF and he takes her to your church? How uncomfortable is that?
After DBing a cheating spouse unsuccessfully (me) - I am inclined to go along with my counsellor who told me when ex was involved with OW that a R with 3 people in it can't be saved unless he dropped her. And I know we were all told differently when we came here but I saw very little evidence of saved relationships after major cheating.
Anyway - I read your painful situation and it brought back a flood of horrible memories of that time in my life when my ex took his ow to church and tried introducing her to my friends etc. Just as he is doing now with my disabled son (who can't say NO like his siblings) and my son's nurses who hate that.
All I can say is - sorry for your pain. There will be someone much better on your horizon and I think the new year brings good change with it.
Yes, my exBF has a "friend" that he brought to church on Sunday. I've been attending the same church as him since we met about 4.5 years ago.
I don't blame everything on him because I have a lot of fault in this current situation. I'll be back later on and I will post a quick recap so you don't have to go back and read it all. Let me spare you that pain! lol
I also DB'd a cheating spouse unsuccessfully, and he and OW are now married. I'm very experienced in facing challenging situations because of the ones they put me through in family and work events (me, ex, and OW all work for the same company). We also share some of the same friends, although I have distanced myself from most of them.
Through it all I became much stronger and better person than I ever knew I could be.
But even with all that experience, going to church on Sunday was not any easier. Although it helped me know that I'd make it through the experience and be okay.
I also know that a lot of what I felt on Sunday was me re-hashing a lot of painful memories from my ex and OW. I think RC knows that too.
The difference this time is that I get to see RC and we talk often. I didn't have that with my ex - once he was gone, encounters and conversations were rare, and often very ugly. And my ex wouldn't lift a finger to do anything for me or our kids, even if I asked. A great example was when I developed gall bladder disease and was very sick. I had surgery to have it removed and he wouldn't do anything for me or the kids. My coworkers, friends, and family helped with meals, groceries, and laundry. That was the last straw for me, because it showed me what kind of man he had become.
Conversations with RC are great and we never fight. I could call him right now and ask for something, and I know he'd be there. When I received some somewhat scary medical news two weeks ago, RC saw it on Facebook and texted me immediately after. He was very comforting.
It is apparent that we love each other very much.
But like you said, when there is a 3rd person involved, there can be no relationship. I kind of wonder if it's the same way on the other end too. If RC is questioning his feelings for me, then the relationship with his new friend, J, can't be too healthy either. In some ways I could easily be the OW in this situation...what a kicker huh? SIGH
Whatever happens, I think we will always be friends. That sounds like a good thing, but it's hard being friends when you love someone. Talk about painful.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
"In some ways I could easily be the OW in this situation..."
Ding ding ding. How does this feel? What needs to change for the situation to feel good/OK for you? Listen to yourself.
It feels pretty crappy, to be blunt.
When I first started talking to him again, it was something I know that I needed to do. I didn't know where the other R was (it was still new). So it was all innocent, with us talking, trying to fix some things between us. We needed to do that. We found some forgiveness too.
Then I noticed that he seemed to want to talk to me, and enjoyed my company. I enjoyed talking to him too.
It hadn’t really been that long apart (just 4 months) and we clearly had feelings for each other still. We never fought and things ended on good terms. Looking back he also made some last minute attempts at fixing things, but being a poor communicator he didn’t come right out and say what he felt or wanted. And I didn’t pick up on them. I realized it later, and I could kick myself. It didn’t come in a pretty package with a big bright bow, but he tried in the only way he could (communication was a huge issue in our R). But even if he had tried to talk to me at that time, I don’t know that I would have listened. I was running away by then.
During that 4 months we still talked, texted sometimes, and we saw each other here and there, but just as friends. Contact was not the same. I also wasn’t attending church regularly because I felt so lost and out of place.
After I got up the nerve to talk to him, I could see we still had a strong connection. I wanted to see where things would lead. Could we rekindle what we had? I was okay with everything.
Now fast forward to this past weekend.
I am not okay with it anymore.
I deserve someone who wants to be with me and invest in me. He was THAT guy, just a few months ago. He is not that guy right now.
I don’t want someone who is confused and isn’t sure that he wants to be with me. I honestly don't want to be with someone who gives only a portion of his heart. I also don’t want to be the reason he only gives part of his heart to someone else. If this other person is where he wants to be, and he wants to see where that will go, then that is where he needs to put his thoughts – not with me.
He may own some of the issues that caused our break-up. And maybe he moved on too quickly with someone new (4 years with someone who you thought you’d marry is a long time). But he still deserves to be happy.
It’s hard saying that. But I know he is a great person, and I don’t want to be the one who makes him anything less. He is better than that, and so am I.
After all the pain I experienced with my ex and OW, I cannot be the person to hurt someone that way. I already carry enough regret over the break-up with RC, and I don’t need another burden.
No matter how you slice it, this is not a good situation. Even if he decides that the other R is not what he wants, I’m just a rebound. He’ll be floundering trying to fill a void, and that doesn’t necessarily need to be me. I am not a “void filler.”
And he doesn’t need to be a “void filler” for me either!
So you asked what do I need to do to make this situation feel good for me?
I need to find a way to be his friend now – however I need to balance it. Besides, I don’t really have a choice here. I am going to find some things to keep me busy and keep my mind off of RC and where he is. That sounds like GAL and detaching to me. Who would have thought I’d be back to this DB stuff after all this time?
That is why I came here. It’s clear that I still have some fixing to do in me.
It’s a shame I didn’t swallow my pride and come here earlier this year when I saw things going south for RC and me. I wonder if it would have made a difference – at least I would know that I tried. 4 years with someone isn’t something to easily throw away.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Here is a recap of my situation. This is still long, but I think it provides just about everything that is of importance.
I dated RC for 4 years. We met on eHarmony and it seemed to be a great match. In no time at all, we fell in love. We were best friends through it all - I’ve missed my friend... I eventually joined RC’s church because it felt like family to me, and it still does. I love it there and the people love me.
We broke up in early July, just before a trip to Israel with my son. RC was also going on a mission trip, so the timing for the break sounded good.
I was the one who initiated because I snapped over several things that were going on at the time. We talked on the phone and came to a mutual agreement. I think he’d been feeling some of the same things but couldn’t express them. We decided we needed a break and agreed that if God wanted us to be together, He would find a way.
I told him that I wasn’t looking to date anyone and really just needed to focus on changes in my job, getting my son to college, and finishing college for myself. I think they were mostly excuses for not wanting to work hard at the R anymore. I told him that I loved him and that had not changed, but we had become more like friends than a couple. He agreed.
There were some key ingredients to what didn’t go well in our relationship: 1. Communication on both parts
2. Some intimacy/sexual issues (I am more HD on most days and he seemed more LD). He is also very strong in his Christian faith in that way. I was willing to work with that, but even then he didn’t give me what I needed and asked for. It seemed like he became less interested in me, although he would say he was. I eventually stopped asking. Again communication. That is something we would need to fix IF we ever had a chance at being happy. I think some of that would have been worked out when we got married, but I didn’t have enough faith to take a chance on it. We had conversations about his relationship with his former wife (he lost her to cancer), and it seemed that sex was not an issue in their relationship.
3. There were times when I needed him and he couldn’t figure it out on his own. Memories of my ex-H would flood back, of him not being there. And I feared that RC wouldn’t be there for me. I guess I still had some healing to do. I did try to express this to RC, but sometimes he needed to be smacked upside the head as a reminder. Communication AGAIN.
4. I had a fear of another failed marriage and didn’t want to settle with someone who wasn’t listening to me or meeting all my needs. I don’t think I ever really gave my heart to anyone since my divorce, even though I have been in some relationships. (The talk with RC in early November is probably the first REAL risk I have taken in years. And you can imagine how much courage that took to put my heart out there for it to be broken.)
5. RC had needs too, and I know I didn’t always meet them. But he didn’t always tell me what they were. One was to be with someone who had a strong faith and attended church regularly. I floundered there at times. But I was juggling college, being a mom, and a tough career. I put in a lot of hours, and sometimes I was tired or sick on Sundays and thought sleeping in was a better option. I also didn’t have extra time for things like choir or time to go out with our friends. Time with us was pretty special and we rarely shared it with others. We did see each other every week, but there were many times when I was involved with other things, stressed out about work, college, etc…that I wasn’t the best partner for him. He rarely complained about it, but would often tell people how much he worried about me. I also didn't show interest in things he enjoyed. You bet I've been paying attention in the past couple of months!
I could list other things, but in the scheme of things, they are just plain silly. And I am embarrassed that I even saw them as important back then.
I made a list the other day in my head, a list of all the things about him that I don’t like. That way I could make a decision that I’m just nuts and I would never be happy with him. I was convinced that if I made the list, I would see that I would have been “settling” and would not be happy. Well, that list was pretty daggone short. What a bonehead I was! Ugh!
Like I said, some things had been lingering, unresolved, and then a bunch of things came up at once and SNAP! I gave up!
We always thought we would get married so giving up was very hard. I also felt like I failed again.
I didn’t know what to do with myself at first, but thankfully I had the trip to Israel. I immediately started dating after that (big mistake). While I was floundering around, he was too. He got very lonely during August, and sometime in September or early October, he turned to an old friend he had met on Facebook (someone from high school).
The ironic thing is that I did the same. One of the people I went out with was also a friend from high school. I figured out pretty quickly that he wasn’t the guy for me and was a rebound. He was persistent but I eventually cut it off. I haven’t really been talking to anyone seriously since then. And I don’t plan to get involved with anyone anytime soon – hard to do that when you don’t have your heart to give.
After the trip to Israel I did a lot of reflecting about life. That included my career, my spiritual walk, and what I wanted on a relationship. Once I had some time to just be with myself and think clearly, God started working on me.
I came back from Israel and never really stopped being on “vacation time.” Something really changed in me. I now work less but have had the best year in my career. I am back in church and now I am in the choir and attend Wednesday Bible study (something I always wanted to do). Then I started thinking about what I wanted out of a relationship – not just today, but 20-30 years from now. When I was with RC , I couldn’t see past today. I couldn’t see past my frustrations with him and what wasn’t working well with us. Having the break gave me a lot of clarity about what I wanted out of life. God started working on me, and one day I just blurted it out to a friend, “I can see me with RC when I’m old.” It came as a complete shock (and a lot of dread too). She just looked at me in shock.
It hit me. OMG! What did we do????
It took some time but I finally got up the nerve to talk to him.
We talked about our R and what went wrong. I think we learned a lot just from talking to each other. We’ve talked more in the past couple months than we talked in the last year of our R. We forgave each other for things we did wrong. We shared some of our regrets. We realized we still had feelings for each other. Mostly we know that we still have a very strong connection and no matter what we still have a friendship that we can salvage.
I learned that he had been “talking” to someone (that is the phrase he uses). Her name is J. I have tried to be respectful when I talk about her, and call her by name as much as I can now. She didn’t do anything wrong and I don’t need to be disrespectful to her.
This is what I know about J….
J went to high school with RC. They found each other on Facebook a couple years ago. She also lost her husband, similar to RC who lost his wife, so they have a connection there. I knew that he was friends with her, but I never got any impression that there was any kind of EA going on with her.
J lives 5 hours away. That is why I only saw her for the first time last Sunday. She has been here to visit at least 2 times now. He has been there at least once.
J and RC have different religious beliefs. RC is a strong Baptist and has been in the same church all of his life. RC’s mom is also the leader of the Deacons at our church. J is Mormon and also appears to be strong in her faith. I bet the conversations about religion are interesting, and I’m sure his mom is about to blow a gasket over it all. SMILE
I don’t hold any grudges toward J. RC had every right to start dating again and if he was lonely and found a connection there, then I understand.
I just don’t want to live with regrets and wondering “what if” I got up enough nerve and took a risk and told him how I feel. So when I talked to him, I laid it all out there. He will know how I feel and I can try my best to move forward knowing that I tried.
In one of our very deep conversations, RC told me that J deserved a chance and he felt like he needed to see where that R would go. Then he asked “Since you are putting yourself out there, I’m going to take a chance and put myself out there. If I find out that J and I are just friends, and I asked you to spend some time with me, would you say no?”
From that conversation forward, I could tell he was different. He initiated contact, wanted to sit beside me, and it felt like we were more than friends. I think he was confused on what to do.
He would text me several times a day. One text complimented me on a sweater I wore the night before. He even texted me over Christmas when he was away at his sister’s farm. By then I had stopped initiating texts, but he continued. The texts have died off now and I am trying not to initiate.
He would linger when we would see each other, almost like he was dragging it out and making excuses to stay longer. After church events, we would stand out in the parking lot and talk for a couple of hours. One night we were there until almost 11pm.
We even exchanged some ILY’s, but I stopped doing that because it felt wrong.
Once I figured out that J was coming for a visit, I knew I’d have some serious heartache on my hands and would have to make a decision. I wanted to hold off until I knew for sure she came for a visit (I figured it out before RC told me on Saturday). I’m there now. She came.
Some people said that the visit was probably preplanned before RC and I started talking and he didn’t know how to get out of it. That may be right or maybe not.
Some people said he is probably confused. He thought it was over and after 4 months, learned it isn’t over. But he doesn’t know how to get out of the other thing, and being a good man, he wants to see that through. That may be right or wrong as well.
Either way, I’m still in the same place. I can’t be an OW.
I have made several changes in my life, which I will talk about in another post. One of them includes physical fitness and losing weight. RC has been helping me with working out at the Rec Center. I do go even when he is not there, but there are some machines that I am not comfortable using without him. I am also not going to do any weight-lifting without a partner. So I am still going to go to the Rec Center on Tuesday and Thursday each week. If he is there, I’ll work out with him. He is and will always be my friend.
I will also see RC in church on Sundays and at church events. There are also the get-togethers with mutual friends and lunches after church.
Unless I change churches, I am going to see him on a regular basis. So balancing the friendship with a broken heart and moving on….that will be the trick! I guess I will figure it out in time.
I sure do wish my Magic MAL Wand wasn’t in the shop!
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Just dropped by to thank you for visiting my thread.
Maybe I'll even post to it myself some day What does one say (post) when nothing has changed in ten years?
Oh well.
As for you.... I don't think you split from RC for long enough that you should feel like (or even close to) "the OW in this situation.." You also said
Originally Posted By: MAL
I don't blame everything on him because I have a lot of fault in this current situation.
IMHO, it's really not a matter of blame. It is what it is. When my second daughter was real little, she said something that I'll never forget. It was in French (her mother tongue), but it translates to something like: "That (thing) is like that because that's what it's like. That's all!"
You do deserve better than a rebound relationship. And RC does too. Just like you said. But how confused is RC, really? Are you just assuming that he'll only give you a portion of his heart? I don't know. You're probably the best judge of that.
Originally Posted By: MAL
Whatever happens, I think we will always be friends. That sounds like a good thing, but it's hard being friends when you love someone. Talk about painful.
Just dropped by to thank you for visiting my thread.
Maybe I'll even post to it myself some day What does one say (post) when nothing has changed in ten years?
Oh well.
At least you still have your sense of humor!
Originally Posted By: ANS
You do deserve better than a rebound relationship. And RC does too. Just like you said. But how confused is RC, really? Are you just assuming that he'll only give you a portion of his heart? I don't know. You're probably the best judge of that.
I don't know if he is confused now or not. Sometimes I think he knows how he feels, but he is also not going to do something he would regret. I am guessing he might be a little scared too - I know I would be. I feel like he will stick with this other R, wherever it leads, and he will invest in our friendship along the way.
As for giving me a portion of his heart....I just don't think he can do more if he is investing time with J. If that were over, then maybe, but for now, as your delightful daughter would have said "That (thing) is like that because that's what it's like. That's all!"
Sorry my French accent is rusty.
For now (and maybe for always), he will give me the parts of his heart that he can, but I think it will be in friendship.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
I had my first encounter with RC at the Rec Center. I did the Tuesday text like I said I would and we decided to meet there. We tried one of the machines that I had never used before, and I am glad he was there. Sometimes it helps just having someone get you set up. He also spotted me on the weights.
I can now bench press 60 pounds, woo hoo! (It's the little things in life.)
He gave me fist bumps when I pushed and got through a tough routine. There were also several times when he wanted to touch me but I could tell he didn’t know exactly what to do. So he would do a simple squeeze on my arm or on my shoulder. It was sweet. I know he must feel really out of place, but we CAN do this! I know we can. We genuinely care about each other, so why not?
After all, toward the end of our R, we were friends more than a couple, so this is possible.
It was a nice time. He joked me about how I laugh with some of the machines (I am so clumsy and it cracks me up sometimes), and I said that life is too short to be so serious and it's good to laugh at myself sometimes. He agreed. We talked about lots of things, and friends and family. And a few times he literally just stopped at the machine and would talk to me for a few minutes. That was new.
None of the conversation was about us and he didn’t mention J’s name. The closest he got to that was talking about some things he did over the weekend. They apparently took some of the teens from church down to the game room at the beach on Sunday after church (which I didn’t see because of my quick exit). Darn, that was something RC and I had done a couple of times. Blah.
When we were done, he walked me to my car like he usually does, and we stood and talked for a few minutes. Basically, I let him lead tonight like I’ve been doing in all of our interactions. If I’m going to be his friend, then I need to learn how to do this.
We didn’t stand by the car and talk as long this time, but that’s because it was bitter cold. There was a time when I would have asked him to sit in the car for a few minutes and warm up – but we are not in that R anymore and I knew better. But focusing on what we ARE and what we are NOT, he walked me to my car and stood there to talk to me even though he was freezing. He didn't have to do that. (Maybe I have learned a few things.)
We hugged when we said goodbye as usual.
When I got home, I sent the usual text to let him know I got home okay. And he replied with a thank you.
I’d call the interaction a success. I will not lie and say it didn't hurt a little. I tried not to dwell too much on what we are NOT and tried to focus on what we ARE. It will take practice I am sure.
The workout was good for me. I haven’t been talking about that too much here, but I’ve been focusing a lot more on my health and I’ve lost about 20 pounds in the past couple of months. I’ve done that by eating less, smaller meals, and through exercise (working out, walking, and bike). It’s been pretty easy so far and I’ve managed the loss at a healthy rate. We’ll see if I can keep going because I have a long way to go.
Well, my vacation is over, and I go back to work tomorrow. Yuck!
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
I just feel your pain. I would never want to go to that place again. But obviously you love him.
I am not a believer in lovers becoming friends. There is just so much raw emotion there. But none of us are the same or have the same experiences.
In my humble opinion - I think you should totally let go and move on. He has. He is with someone new. And you should not accept any crumbs from him. Although you are comfortable at his church and with his friends - I also think you should remove yourself from that group. Because clearly you are NOT comfortable there with J attending with him. That should be sending you a very loud message from him.
I remember when I was at that stage with ex and every little thing he did - I took as a sign that he wanted me back. And it was like ripping off a scab. I had begun healing but seeing him made me bleed all over again. It was only when I totally let go and stopped seeing him that the true healing began.
I am just sorry to see you hurting and having unreasonable expectations. If he wants to be with you - he will be.
I also remember what I told myself when I was in a similar situation. "If it's meant to be - it will all work out. If it doesn't - it wasn't"
Refocus. Build your life with others. Don't go to places you are likely to see him without her around. If he wants to see you - he has to be the one making that effort.
What does one say (post) when nothing has changed in ten years?
(It's the little things in life.)