Wife Has Finally Decided to Walk Away

[labug]

So sorry you'r feeling so down. It is hard watching them walk away.

[Greg1971]

On a positive note since she is stuck using a walker, I get to do 180's by helping her load the car and even offered to go to the new place and unload it too. Funny how much my helping her has made her feel bad. Not my intention but she feels horrible to as me for any type of help right now. Another bright side is that with less of her stuff in the home, there will be more room and I can hopefully get over this claustrophobic feeling I get in here due to all the crap we own. Two adults, two kids and a dog in a 1700sf home filled with a ton of belongings really makes it difficult to live. We can never have friends over because the place was such a disaster area.

[Greg1971]

Took some of her stuff to her her new place she is sharing with two married friends. Things went well and then we picked up kids from sitters. Kids fell asleep on the way home and when we arrived home I told her I need to get out for a bit. When I came home the kids were still asleep so they wont see mom until tomorrow. I called her to see what we are going to tell them and she said she didn't know. I am of the opinion we tell them the truth that mommy doesn't love daddy anymore and is leaving to live somewhere else. Any thoughts on this approach? How do you tell the kids their Mom is leaving because she feels nothing for daddy?

[sandi2]

I remember studying material that showed stress points that a person could experience in life. The things your W faced in just a couple of years were at the top of the chart as extreme stress levels. I don't know how she coped!

People grieve in different ways. How did your W get through her grief?

Wife has told me she feels nothing towards me.

How does her emotions seem regarding the kids and other family members? What I'm asking, does her emotions seem cut off toward everyone....or is it just you?

Through all of this I have been there and tried my best to be there for her.

Could you explain what you mean by "been there" and "to be there for her"? How did you show support for her during the death of dad & brother? What about her Lupus? Have you taken an active part in learning about this disease and what ways you can help her?

She has told everyone what a change I have made with my children

How were you with the kids before you changed?

Let me try to figure some things up. In less than three years she got married, gave birth to two babies, (and doctors say it takes two years for a woman's body to get back to normal after giving birth), and she lost the two people she was probably the closest to while growing up. BTW, was her father or brother ill with some disease or was the death sudden and unexpected?

So help me out here.
First Year: got married..........had first baby

Second Year: father died..........brother died
Week that brother died......had sex(was that her initiating or you? Was it before the actual day he died or before? I'll follow up with my reason for asking later.)......became pregnant with second baby.

Next Year: Two babies under age 2 or 3? .....and somewhere in this time slot she starts contact with old BF?

Diagnosed with Lupus(life threatening disease).....which year? Was it the same year as serious leg injury?

I know that for the past four years she has been in contact with an old boyfriend and some other guys

So was that about the time her brother died?

The physical part of our relationship started to dwindle which made me bitter and I started to shut down emotionally.

When did that happen? Was it during the first three years or this past year? What reason did she give you for the sex dwindling? Was it after her brother died, or are you talking about last year?

I know if she would lower that emotional wall I could be what she has always wanted

And what has she always wanted? If you have always known, then why weren't you?

Okay, so now you are focusing on the kids first in your life, but she's staying out late. How long have you been putting the kids first? Did that start after she gave you the bomb on 12/8? When you are working late or are out of town, does she focus on the kids pretty good?

She goes out with friends and comes home late (430am etc..) and our kids wake up looking for mommy. I can't deal with that any longer.

Did the kids ever wake up asking for you? B/c if I understand correctly, your job has kept you from being home quite a bit. I believe you said you didn't go to the funeral when W's brother died b/c you were out of town. That's one reason I wondered if his death was very sudden. I didn't think any man would leave his W at such a time. And if you resent her for staying out late and having male friends or old BF's, you don't know what resentment is until you choose work over being there for her when grief stricken.

I didn't know what to do during the deaths so i just gave her space to do her thing but I was present and available for her if she needed me.

No you weren't! She needed you the day she buried her brother! Did you ever tell her that you didn't know how to help her? If not, then you sure came across looking like a total jerk!

Went to dinner with W and had one of the most heartfelt talks we have had in years

Do you mean a heartfelt talk since she's had to deal with a terminal disease while raising two small children and going to school?

The deaths are so long ago 3 & 4 years

She is planning on moving out Monday so things are moving forward for us. I actually feel better tonight than I have in a long time which is probably due to the amount of communication we had tonight

How is her moving out moving you forward?? Why would that make you feel better?

On a positive note since she is stuck using a walker, I get to do 180's by helping her load the car and even offered to go to the new place and unload it too.

You surely don't mean this like it sounds! Is she having to use a walker, due to her serious leg injury or her Lupus?

Why have you not talked about how the Lupus has affected her? I would think it would affect a great deal of her life.

I do believe the deaths and her Lupus and leg injury have colored her world a bit gray when it comes to our R. She tells me she worked on our marriage for three years but all I saw was her focusing on the kids, work and going back to school to get her Masters degree which has led her to working on her doctoral degree currently.

You think?

Listen, one of your first steps right now should be to quit using that therapist who isn't even pro-marriage! Why would you go to somebody who wasn't? I think your W needs a therapist alright, but not as a MC. This poor girl has been through so much "negative" stuff that I don't know how she gets out of bed every morning. Based on the information you've given, I can't see where much help was offered to her.

Did this therapist ever discuss how all these things could affect your W's outlook on life? How her health might affect your children's lives? How much time has your W been in the hospital due to Lupus? The strong meds she's probably taking for Lupus would have effects on her emotions and sexual desire, I would think. Some AD's keep a person from feeling depressed, but it also keeps a person from feeling anything. No love nor hate.