We are on "vacation" right now together with the kids. We had a blow out on Christmas Eve night (I know, right?) and I told him I was done. I was going to be the one to pull out of this triangle. H said I am making him really mad by questioning him about his A.
Later that night, I went to talk to H and we ended up sleeping together and he said he still loves "me and the kids". I think we are a package deal.
Now we are on our ski trip. H stays up every night until 5 am because he can't sleep (or, he has told OW he isn't sleeping with me or something). Our interactions seem very shallow/superficial.
I am trying to get us into counseling and H seems agreeable. However, having a hard time getting a session scheduled before H leaves town again.
I'm very much in a place where this either needs to change dramatically (H splits from OW) or we separate.
Ugh.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
H has now been with the family for 6 days...sadly, I think that may be a record in the past 6 months since he started his A. He agreed to go to a counseling session with me next Tuesday. I am not really very optimistic about it, but at least it may allow us to start communicating about our situation.
I am also somewhat hopeful that OW will get upset when he's gone for 10+ days. When we had our blowout on Christmas Eve, H said she wasn't happy about things either. (You can imagine how sad I felt for her) It really took a lot of strength for me not to send an "F you" email to her on Christmas Eve night.
Anyway, I guess I'm trying to be as upbeat as possible but I also believe I am just treading water until we go to counseling. At counseling, I believe H will struggle to say he's willing to give up his A and do what he'd need to do to prove to me that it's done. It'll be interesting if our counselor has ideas for how to move forward. I feel very ultimatum-ish.
Hang in there everyone. I think there are several of us reaching our breaking points and I'm not sure that's a bad thing.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
I know its hard to be optemistic N..so i will be for you..:) Im happy for you that he has agreed to go, you never know what will happen in a C session...i hope you have better luck then i did.
Im feeling some of us at breaking points also..for me, im thinking about time!!! I want to be rid of this pain and missing him so badly...i saw some girls laughing the other day and i thought..gawd, i miss that.
Hope you are able to enjoy your trip...have some fun and relax k??
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
H and I went out with another family last night for the early part of New Years Eve. H said it was fun and I thought it went okay. The other couple was kissing each other and being affectionate during dinner...I felt sad that H and I haven't been like that for a long time. We got home and H said he felt sick (seemed legit..our family has had a bug this week) and went to bed at 11:15. I started getting teary eyed because I think I'd had hopes that we might have a funner night. H asked what was wrong and offered to stay up until midnight if I wanted him to. I said he didn't have to. I then said I felt bad because one of his issues with me is that I am not fun. I said that I knew if he was in OW's city...he wouldn't be going to bed at 11:15 on New Years Eve. H said, "you are fun". I then went to bed with him and I said Happy New Year to him at midnight. He kissed me on the top of the head. I felt okay about that and I am realizing as I type this that it was a pretty nice night compared to a lot of people on this board.
Today though, H was texting like crazy and being secretive...so I assume it was with OW. He hasn't told me his travel plans yet for this week...so I'm not sure when he is leaving. He's committed to staying until our counseling session on Tuesday.
I'm glad we are going to counseling, but I am also dreading it. I really don't think H is ready to give up his A. His heart is with OW and she's getting all of his emotional energy. I really believe I need to stay strong and tell him we need to separate if he isn't willing to give up the A. I think H will do what he can to stay on his beloved fence and keep eating his cake. Hopefully, the counselor can help us move forward in some way.
Also, I found clear evidence that H went on a trip the week before Christmas and lied about it to me. From what I've read, his lying and covering up is not a good sign...it's a sign he's more aligned to the A than he is to me. But, at least I know what I am dealing with. I haven't called him out yet on the lie because I don't want him to get even more deceptive about what he is doing.
I also need to recognize that this is the longest that H has been home and not with OW. I think some of the bad feelings I'm having just haven't really had the chance to surface before because he usually left. Hopefully OW Is getting mad that he's not around...but I also don't trust he isn't promising her vacations, etc. to make her feel better.
Our ski trip was pretty fun. The kids had a great time and H had a good time with them. It's just the piece between us that is totally missing.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
Been in your shoes and never want to go back. Oh NB...<<<HUG>>>
FWIW- When I was at your point, I told him I loved him, wanted him to stay, wanted our M, or family, but felt that he must go to her and explore the R or he'd always wonder. That would require we separate. I said it calmly. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I got "real" clear in my mind that if he wanted her, I didn't want him. I was not going to play 2nd fiddle. I knew I would hurt, but that someday I would recover....some how.....some way. What he was doing was killing me.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
We talked more last night. H believes he has an emotional connection with OW that he has never had with me and isn't sure we could ever have. I think that also flows into the sex. He's still not quite sure he wants to leave...but I also don't think he's at all ready to give up the affair.
I would not be surprised if the outcome of tomorrow's counseling session is that we head towards separation. I am just tired of this and there's no way I am going to become a fun, intimate wife for him when he gives me so little time/energy and he is involved in a full blown A.
If we go down that path, it'll be painful to tell the kids and I don't think H is prepared for what that means for our family. I think he still wants to think he can leave his stuff here and basically drop in a couple weekends a month to pick up the kids and do fun things.
H also claims he hasn't seen enough warmth and connection from me during his A...so he feels like nothing will ever change. I also talk to my DB coach tomorrow...I do think giving him some space was helpful, but too much LRT may have backfired on me....who knows.
I do realize something has to change...this is crazy.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
This man's A (he doesn't deserve the title of man) will most likely end on it's own, if it ends at all.
Just don't enable him to have his cake and eat it too. That's why it's so comfortable on that fence. Take it from someone who made all the mistakes fighting for a M in the throes of an A. Don't be a doormat and don't enable them.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
