LB that song brings back great memories for me!!! I used to bartend and we had someone that came in and sang every Friday night. One night I requested Your So Vain and from that point on she sang it to me every week for a couple of years.
M:(f) 35 W: 45 3 dogs and 2 cats T: 9 years 9/30/11 I love you, but I'm not in love with you OW confirmed 12/23/11
I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking and have come to a deeper understanding of detachment. Detachment Does Not mean worrying abut whether every little thing I might do or say will in some way affect the R, either positively or negatively. Detachment DOES NOT mean that I obsess about what H may be doing or thinking.
Detachment DOES MEAN that we are each on our own path; H has opted out of relationship with me. I need to accept that and live MY life, my life without the spectre of him. My life without parsing every little fiddle-fartin' thing. I want peace and serenity and all this angst is certainly not conducive to that.
I have written a lot about detachment here and every day I think I get closer to actually living it. It ain't easy.
Now I'm thinking what my next step should be. I think I need to re-read Coach's old thread.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hey LB, I am in the exact same boat. I too am trying to figure out what my next step should be. All of this thinking is completely exhausting. I wonder if our spouses are driving themselves crazy thinking?? Considering my W is on the phone with the OW as we speak I am going to go ahead and assume that in my sitch she is not going crazy thinking about our R.
I want peace and serenity and all this angst is certainly not conducive to that.
So true!!!
Hang in there and thanks for posting on my thread today. I am just trying to figure out what to do so I haven't updated it.
M:(f) 35 W: 45 3 dogs and 2 cats T: 9 years 9/30/11 I love you, but I'm not in love with you OW confirmed 12/23/11
More on Detaching, this is really helping me, because I am being the best ME I can be and that is in no way based on what he thinks of me.
Originally Posted By: Kettricken post #1852679
I think a necessary facet of detachment is the process of disconnecting one's own sense of self-worth and even *basic identity* from the opinions/actions of one's spouse. "Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do" is only the first step. You can't successfully detach while your self-image is still in any way in their keeping.
This is NOT the same thing as "not giving a sh*t what they think". It's not asserting that you are great the way you are and might not have productive changes to make. It's refusing to let them decide FOR YOU whether or not you're a decent caring, spouse/parent/sexual partner/friend. It's caring about their needs and emotions while simultaneously realizing that you are a perfectly valid (not perfect; valid) human being with or without them, their love, their, cooperation, or their approval.
Classic Schnarchian differentiation, IOW.
The thread his was taken from is good for the soul.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Journaling: Had an interesting talk with S22 yesterday. He's been home since the 19th and during that time he's seen his dad once. That was on Christmas Day for maybe 3-4 hours. That surprised me and I just asked him why. His answer: "because it's a pain." Now, I don't doubt his love for his dad, or H's love for them but H doesn't invite them to do things or try to have fun with them. They did go shooting a few times in the past but haven't for a while. He could invite them down for chili (one of his specialties) but he doesn't.
So what this means is that over the holidays, H has been alone except for a few hours on Christmas day. His mom was out of town so he didn't even have that family connection. Is this solitary life really what he was hoping to get? Not my business but I am curious. Is he depressed? Maybe, but nothing I can do about that.
As I've made changes over the past months I have wondered, "How will H know if we never see each other." In fact I asked him that early on (pre-DB), "If we don't see each other, how will you know I've changed?" As time goes on I find that that matters less and less because I'm happy with me and have been able to salvage and improve my R with my sons. They've seen and appreciate my changes and we have been able to move to a more adult R. We can have talks about emotions, boundaries, anger. We have fun, we've played Wii, cooked together, they've cooked for me, we went out to our favorite Mexican restaurant last night and laughed a lot. We stopped at Culvers for frozen custard (better get on my bike today!)
I guess this is all to say that I've changed and I'm happy with myself and my life. I'm OK and I will continue to be OK as long as I stay on this track.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I needed your 'upbeat' nature this morning I'm so happy for you that you've come to develop a new R with your sons. It is too bad that your H is choosing to let his R with them go downhill, but like you said- it's nothing you can do anything about. It does sound like H might be depressed- probably why S doesn't like to be around him.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
